I just want to be able to look back at the beginning of this video and remember how I sometimes feel about my intellectual capacity.  Portia de Rossi worries about her weight because her career path demanded that of her.  My career path demands a certain intellectual capacity that I can't seem to meet, and I remember the days when I felt as much self-loathing as she does in her book.  I've just never been able to express it as eloquently.  Right in this moment, having just seen this video, I feel that even though I've reached out to people and have received support and love, I never successfully dealt with my inadequacies as she did.  Even though she crashed and came to another conclusion at the lowest part of her turmoil (and this is where I hate not being able to finish this interview), it did get her down along the road she wanted to walk, because acting was what she wanted to do.

So how can I do this?  How can I take myself to where I want to be without losing myself?  Or can I risk losing myself now in order to get started, and then believe that someday I will be happier if I can just get myself through right now, no matter what?  Can I undo the last few months' worth of work and start again at that beginning of the end, and push myself a little farther before rescuing myself?

I want to stop thinking about this, but I can't, because I need a solution.  I need to do something effective.

I think this is enough to think about for tonight.  Time for bed.