Bits and Pieces

I love my father's older sister's household, so much. They all had dogs before back in Vietnam, so they all loved Buck, and he liked them! He warmed up to my cousin, who reminds me of my father, immediately.

I should be coding and finishing pagination, since there has been some suggestions on PHP Coding Help. But I just want to read Catching Fire. So good. Love her.

Because I felt inspired enough to go all out with this custom that I'm spending lots of time inking it. As I was zooming in and out, this section seemed so dramatic I figured it's good to capture it.

ETA:

The problem with this piece is that if he's flying in the sky, at this angle there would be no shadows. I would need to take the shadows from the side, preferably the right hand side so that the hair's shadow doesn't fall into the only showing side of his face. But if lighting comes from the right, what do I do with the left wing?

ETA: Dear Elenxji,
Your character design fucking sucks. He is Mary Sue to the max, his coloration is impossible, and you would never draw this character more than once. Describing him in any story would take a chapter. Your spelling is atrocious, and I damn well hate working on this commission.

Please take your Mary Sure Lucifer character and shove him up your ass where he belongs.

Best,
Tei

ETA: I managed to write a very civil PM asking her advice to make my work a little easier. She responded enthusiastically (like her original requesting PM) and has a few pointers for me. Whew.

Wow, I like this girl and her remixes

So if we want to be on the subject on original Youtube artists:

Haha, I want this life, skeletons and all.

it's my own cacoethes by ~hira-geco on deviant ART

Oh, yup, I feel the carpal tunnel coming back. There it is. Let's get drawing, shall we?

Last night did get worse, but it didn't escalate into a self-destructive explosion of angst. At least, if it did, I handled it better than I've done in the past. I skipped dinner, and curled up for bed with Buck around 8pm. He had his yearly check-up at the vet and got two vaccinations, and he's always exhausted after shots so we just slept. I left him standing on my bed while I went to brush my teeth and found him standing terrified. Poor thing, he must have thought I was leaving him again, to be tormented by cooing strangers injecting him. I want to teach him how to be brave, but learning true bravery is a very difficult thing.

When I think about it, I don't have just one set of parents: the parents of my friends care for me more than I would ever expect of non-blood related people. Either I'm assured of their fondness by their children, or they assure me through their kind words and actions. One pair post Facebook encouragements throughout my Finals week, others a pat on the back or words of wisdom. It's like my friends are also siblings, because I always feel treated as part of a family whenever I visit. The fact that I'm such a troubled child despite all this support is troubling.

Whenever I feel bad and need inspiration for art (that commission), I browse dA, today for big feline art. They always make me feel calmer somehow, the way lighting a candle makes me feel. Here are some favorites today.

What a long morning today was!

After going to bed at 10pm last night, I woke up at 4am this morning and hitched a ride to school with Mother when she went to work. I borrowed the car and drove to the LGBT-CRC, planning to use their awesomely strong computers to work on Elenxji's commission, only to find that they've shut down the campus. Most of the school-owned buildings are closed. I briefly attempted breaking into the LGBT-CRC, but that failed and I was force to call a friend to take me home while Mom works until 1pm. It was really interesting sneaking around campus at 4am, then watching the sunrise. It's bizarre to come home and start up the computer as though the day has just started, when I've been running around since the wee hour.

But now I don't want to work on that commission. I just want to learn PHP object oriented programming (which makes up the bits of Silvanon's code that I need, but don't understand). I'm going to have a look at the code again and see if I can't make the pagination code work today. Buck has a vet appointment later today, and Father wants me to help him call someone (that's no surprise: he wants help with something every day since I've been here). My pinky's acting up again, but I'm just going to bandage it up and work.

I lit a candle to test methods of extinguishing the flame without producing smoke (cover it with cup and trap smoke until it seeps into the wax? it has to go away at some point), and accidentally got my sleeve too close. The entire sleeve lit on fire briefly then burned itself out in a few seconds, which was momentarily scary and still fascinating. I wonder if the fuzz on the outer parts of the fabric was what burned away, and the thicker weave underneath needed a stronger flame in order to catch fire. I shouldn't experiment, but I'm really tempted.

I'm also strangely depressed today. After an initial violent fit of despair over not being able to work on that commission, reading distressing reviews about Bio42 (my life is going to suck worse than Bio41), reading mediocre artist applications, and not feeling the desire to work on a commission I've been delaying for 2~3 months now, I'm just settling down to code. I refuse to let the depression prevent me from being productive today.

http://www.vbulletin.com/forum/showthread.php/37641-A-couple-of-php%5CmySQL-questions?s=
http://www.evolt.org/node/19340

I've been working on the Felishorn directory (search engine), teaching myself enough PHP to make a MySQL database and create a functional search. But with 2000+ entries in our database, I have to figure out how to paginate large queries. It's difficult, and the links above lead to two tutorials I've tried to implement without much success. Before I was stuck figuring out how to make empty fields search as 'all' as oppose to 'missing', and there were tutorials for it that I couldn't get working, so I made my own solution. Doubtlessly un-elegant, but it works, and now I'm starting to think I'll have to do the same for this pagination problem. Yikes.

It's fascinating. I think I'm more inclined for programming after taking Stats141, since I can make sense of the programming logic.

My right pinky hurts from having to reach for the shift key so much.

ETA: Argh! I don't get this! I even started looking at Silvanon's code for the pages because nothing I tried was working. I think she and I have the same idea: redirects the page to itself, but so that the result shown differ each time you load the page. But the theoretical doesn't work! And now all I want to do is play with the electric mixer Sister gave back. Cooking is so much easier, faster, and comes out much better, with the mixer! But there's just already, too much food in the house, and I have no one else to feed beside the family, that I can't make anymore. So I'm watching Annie, instead.

There is so much food in my house right now. And there will be more!

Parents are becoming bossy, demanding, and jerks. Last night was fun, but this morning I just want to be left alone.

Here's something I found in an email:

    What Love means to a 4-8 yr old

        A group of psycholists posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, 'What does love mean?'

        The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined See what you think:

I think I'm going to go to school with Mother in the morning more and use the LGBT-CRC's equipment. My little laptop can't take the strain anymore :(

Ready?

Remember that impossible commission? Here's the sketch I've sent for her approval. Maybe I'll get it done by tomorrow?

The right hand side large wing (folded) needs to be a little bit bigger to proportion with the left hand wing.

ETA: commissioner requests that hair be longer, and eyes looking at viewer.

Fashion after the cut! Still browsing around actresses I know (preferably those who are close to my age) and picking out what I love!

Also, I wonder if it would work to look at outfits from anime/manga art and pick from there? Show you what I mean, after the cut.

P.S. Image heavy.
http://aquafeles.deviantart.com/

It actually didn't turn out too badly. I got a ride from a very charismatic, friendly and warm neighbor (her parents are the same), and was saved from making conversation by two other guests hitching a ride. Not seeing everyone for nearly a year gave me enough to ask about, and new updates to share. But most of the time was spent dancing anyway, and only the first half hour was devoted to formal dancing. The rest whittled away to apple cider drunkenness. And the Dr. Horrible sing-a-longs. I had fun, but I was itching to go by the end, so it's a good idea not to do this too often. The ride back home was filled with more meaningful conversation, but we had to drive someone home who lives an hour away, so I was struggling to stifle yawns.

When I hug someone, I hold their heart as though it's the most precious thing in the world to me in that moment. Every heart should be cherished, because no doubt it's gone through a lot and is still beating. I've been complimented on my hugs, and it's something I feel genuinely accomplished in. I may not know the worth of many things, but I know the worth of hugs, a hand to hold, and smiles.

P.S. Hummus and veggie appetizers for Christmas dinner? I think so.

ETA: Finished! And, I got all the excel sheet for research done, too. I feel so productive today! But I still can't get started on that damn commission.

Suddenly the idea of not going to the Waltz seems like a bad one. I'm not certain I can handle groups of people today, and the thought of having to think up things to talk about (socializing?!?) makes me just want to bake a cake, curl up on the couch and be fat. Not get fat, be fat. Why can't I enjoy socializing like everybody else? I reap the same mental health benefits of socializing as everybody else, but the extraction seems so much harder. Eww. Blegh.

ETA: Well, I called for a ride. Here goes. Let's see how well I last at a social event with people I haven't seen for a year.

Recipes after the cut.

Can anything make you feel better than Planet Earth on Animal Planet and browsing through food blogs for holiday dinner ideas?

I've been in a terrible life slump. Getting that C in Biology is enough to make me want to spend my entire break in bed. I have no Christmas cheer this year, which means that I don't buy gifts or attend social events. With the exception of a small get-together between VV, EJ and JG, I am done with organizing get-togethers for the season. VV has been going through hard times, struggling with depression, anxiety and side-effects of medication, and with her birthday on the 21st, it seems right to make an exception for her. But that's it! I feel like I'm always the one to arrange friends getting together, and this season, I just want to sit it out and let somebody else do the work. Will anyone? Maybe, maybe not, and if not, I'll just rest and recuperate in prepration for Winter Quarter. I'm tired thinking about it.

On Thanksgiving I spent a few days arguing and haranging my Mother to let me make a few recipes for our dinner: sweet potato coins with salad toppings, a harvest salad, and a craneberry cake. Up to the last hour of cooking she was still giving me a hard time, repeating over and over again that I had just wasted $40 on an experiment that was too American to taste good. End result? Everyone loved every single bite, and my sister and her husband came back the next day to pick up some of that craneberry cake (which my father and I brought to a cafe for our morning rituals before I returned to school, and left the entire container there). As they congratulated me I mentally raged at my Mother for being unsupportive, for never having faith in me, ever. Ever. Not only do I have to fight my self-doubts, I have to fight her's, too. A few days later I got an apology, which may be the first I can remember, and now everyone is praising me as some amazing cook and want my contributions to the Christmas dinner. Thinking back, I'm still ready to wring some necks, but I'm surfing food blogs for holiday ideas.

This Christmas the main dish will be garu, a stew heavy in chicken, carrots and potatos, accompanied by slices of french bread. This is actually pretty standard dinner fare that my Mother makes year round, and it's my job to figure out what to make around it. There's a yule log cake for dessert, so no need there. With my family, I have to decrease the cholesterol, carbohydrates and citrus, while increasing the greens and flavors. Since it's winter, I'll be looking for warm, mushy stuff (buttered, boiled spinach? Quiches (eggs = cholesterol)?), and diversify my family's palate. Suddenly I'm yearning for more pomegranates and carrots. And leeks. I've been meaning to try something with leeks.

Let's watch Black Swan and do more looking tomorrow.

Custom Posed
Name: Lucifer
Owner: Elenxji
Gender: Male
Breed: Felimentia
Body colour: White
Mane colour: White, with a lot of single golden streaks in them.
Eye colour: White iris, black background. I'll leave a reff. Pic.
Horn colour: Also white

Mutation(s): Oh all the mutations! Your going to have this nice and hard time making this 8D

First - the easyest - if possible i would love if you could make the hair a little longer and more smooth. Long, white and in general very "Perfect" to the point it's beautiful but seems fake. "Long and smooth strokes, like a river" - a quote he once got about his hair.

Second - horns! I would love if you could give him a pair of mixmatched horns. Considering that i cannot explain anything for the life of me, i'll reff. a picture i've drawn that's probably the best picture of Lucifer that i have.

Third mutation - Angelic wings. Feathery wings with a near golden shine about them. Think about the most angelic colours - generally a white, eggshell colour - and throw some glitter on them xD

Fourth - if you can get his hips into view with the pose im gonna throw at you, i would love if you could draw a pair of wings on either side. Smaller wings then the angel ones. On the right hip it should be a bat wing and on the left side, a feathery angel wing. Very devil/angel like.

Fifth - *Oh i can go on 8D* The hind legs should have both claws and be much more.. Uhm.. Boy are my english lacking.. The refrence drawing should show it well.

Sixth - and last - Crystalisation on left shoulder. A broken crystal is growing from his left shoulder. Broken as the three spikes have gone loose and is now hovering over their base with a slight purple glow. The crystals themselfs are a very, very light violet.

Design/Pose: If possible, he should look like he's looking down open everyone. With a shoulder tucked somewhat close to his cheek, so the mane puffs up. Looks arrogant and lovely.
Oh and some body design would also be lovely. I will leave two reffrence pictures to show a little on where im heading. They should be of a light colour. Light enough to nearly seem like its glowing, but dark enough that you can see it.

Items: (if applicable) Aaah the items. I could not let you go lightly could i? The items are easyer then the mutations tho ~

1. Fishnet gloves on the right leg. From top to base.

2. A golden snake circlet around his left leg. It may look painful, but some places of the snake should look like it's under the skin. As had the snake bitten holes in the skin to get in and out all the way around. Reff. Pic should show this a little.

3. What mostly resembles golden neckleces should be wrapped around both horns, glimmering slightly as if light was on them at all times.

4. Several gold pieces of jewelry around his tail. Your allowed to go nuts and use whatever your imagination tells you to as long as it seems to follow the demonic/angelic theme. Im sure you have more imagination with jewelry then i do xD

References: (if needed) I only actually have about one refrence pictures about him, but it should really show nearly everything. It shows the eyes, horns, the shoulder, the wings on the hips, the hind legs and some of the jewelry. Oh and as you can see he has this one long, pretty strand of hair in his face that goes that speciel way. If you can, i would love for you to add that :3
- http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o185/Elenxji/lucy2-Page-1.jpg

And the design ideas:
- http://rodrigoelven.deviantart.com/art/Weird-Pattern-s-125457730?q=boost%3Apopular+angel+pattern&qo=7
http://jocker9.deviantart.com/art/Demonic-Cartouche-115470202?q=boost%3Apopular+demonic+design&qo=5
I love the first one the most. Expecially the fishies down the right corner. I hope you get the basic idea of some body design for these :3

I...don't even know how to respond to this. The dread and horror on my face does not seem to adequately relay my fear.

ETA: It's official: I'm too scared to work on this commission so I'm going to sit around and vegetate to Ally McBeal and making lots of money on Harvest Moon: It's a Wonderful Life. Yep. Good thing I'm not a professional artist, huh? I might starve to death.

Ignore the fact that it's Porta de Rossi and Francesca Gregorini for a moment and pay attention to that striped hand on her arm, and the way their hair hides their faces. Bodies are not touching but that hand is enough. This was one of the many photographs snapped that day when the two had and argument and made up in an alley, outing Portia to the world. I feel sad for celebrities and the paparazzi that stalk them.

There's no Christmas cheer in me this year. I always try to find the best gift for everyone, family and beyond, but this year Buck gets a nail grinder, Sister and brother in law get socks, Mother gets a Michaels gift card, and Father gets refunded for what he spent fixing my bike. The lack of inspiration is appalling, but I find myself lacking the patience to shop this season.

Today I'm sick, and I can't bring myself to do anything unless I'm dragged into it. I can't even bring myself to the bookstore to read because I've done that too much this week, and sitting in those leather chairs feeling my legs go numb is getting old.

My smile changes over time. A few years ago, it was like Lena Headey in Imagine me and You, with the corners of your mouth turned down even though you were smiling. Sometime in pictures I would consciously pull down my lower lip when smiling to make sure that I got a nice smile. Those always turned out fake. This summer I smiled with the muscles on the side of my head. One day I realized that I could wriggle my ears doing that. Now my smile's all upper jaw. I feel like I'm all teeth when I'm smiling.

But at least I'm smiling.

We're celebrating VV's birthday tomorrow, and I don't know what to get her :( I don't know what to get the rest of my family for Christmas, either...For my father? My mother, sister and brother-in-law? Ack. I feel like I'm the one with no spirit this holiday. I use to get everybody presents, and now I'm not sure anyone will get any.

I want to be like Ellen DeGeneres. Not because she ends up with someone like Portia de Rossi, but because she's spent so much of her life laughing and making others laugh. She and Portia got together about 6 years ago, right? Ellen's 53. I want to spend my entire career laughing and living life like Ellen did, even before she met Portia. If I don't meet someone by 50, or ever, that would be fine: I'd have laughed throughout my life.

So anyway, I love this:

P.S. I'm in love with my new numeric keypad.

Guess what came in my PI mailbox today?

My online birthday is December 17th, and Taliba was so nice to take the time to draw something for me! I know how long a piece of art takes, and because we rarely talk, it was such a nice gesture! People never think to give me art as presents because since I'm an artist, they must figure I have all the art I need. That's not true! The reason I became an artist is because I love art! (duh, right?) That, or my artist friends think that I'm so much better than them that their art isn't worthy for me, which is ridiculous.

Meet Pico, the wonder dog!

A little encouragement for the day. Getting those grades have only lit a fire under my bum, so I've decided to spend my break training myself for a 11-5 (or 12-6) sleeping regimen. My father told me in college he slept 8pm-4am, which is a good eight hours of sleep. He said he works better in the morning. Since we're related, I'm going to see if the same studying habits won't work for me, but I have problems with sleeping at 8pm. And sleeping eight hours a day.

This quarter's line-up:
Bio 136 (4) Evolutionary Paleobiology
Bio42 (5) Cell Biology and Animal Physiology
~~Humbio 148 (4) Kinship and Marriage~~
Physics 23 (3) Electricity and Optics
Physics 24 (1) Electricity and Optics Lab

Humbio 148 covers two GERs. This quarter I will also be researching. But mostly, I need to make sure I do everything humanely possible to raise my GPA, which now hovers dangerously close to 3.0. Holy crap, I'm almost halfway through my undergraduate career. How am I going to get into graduate school with these grades?

P.S. I bought Portia de Rossi's Unbearable Lightness on Amazon Kindle for iPod touch so that I can get rid of any delusions her interviews have left me.
P.P.S. I think I see a kid running late to school past my window.
P.P.P.S. For some reason, even though I only have one dog, I have four leashes, five if I count the one Auntie gave me, which is lost somewhere in my backyard.

Hah, I finished the male and female roe templates today and sent them out to colorists.

Check out the finished undead female! There's no male ones yet. This one is by Wren.

Mother and Auntie likes Ellen Degeneres. Who knew?

Tomorrow is customs and hiring new colorist, buying the numeric keypad and research, checking grades and starting on applications. I think I'll try to go to the bookstore and read Rick Riordan some more.

Take me back. I love my dog, and I love free time. I might even love my parents. But don't make me live with them anymore. Let me go back to being super stressed doing homework and failing tests.

--------------------

Ok, I get one rant a day while I'm on break. Let's see if there might be days when I skip ranting.

I'm spending the day working on the new roe line-arts, but I'm also happy that I sketched the new star breed. I'm hoping to surprise Jean with them on Christmas. And I actually got the male roe almost done, and am working on the female roe now. I want to get mostly through the female roe, and send out the male roe templates out tonight so that colorists can work on them tomorrow, and we can reveal them this weekend. I want Jean to get her stars next week.

But halfway through the day I also took a leg stretch and went to the mall where I picked up Rick Riordan's new installment in the Camp Half-Blood series. I forgot how much I love his writing. They take me on adventures, and I think my goal in life is to do work that allows me to have adventures in the wilderness. I'm not sure if it's not a dream that everyone has and must eventually grow out of, but that's my dream, and one worth fighting for.

Now shower, let Shall We Dance load, and resume. I'm going to work like a maniac on Felishorn line-arts this break, but also spend a lot of time thinking and working out who I want to be, what I want to do, and what's my motivation going to be when I come back for Winter Quarter. I'm angry thinking about it right now.

I just want to be able to look back at the beginning of this video and remember how I sometimes feel about my intellectual capacity. Portia de Rossi worries about her weight because her career path demanded that of her. My career path demands a certain intellectual capacity that I can't seem to meet, and I remember the days when I felt as much self-loathing as she does in her book. I've just never been able to express it as eloquently. Right in this moment, having just seen this video, I feel that even though I've reached out to people and have received support and love, I never successfully dealt with my inadequacies as she did. Even though she crashed and came to another conclusion at the lowest part of her turmoil (and this is where I hate not being able to finish this interview), it did get her down along the road she wanted to walk, because acting was what she wanted to do.

So how can I do this? How can I take myself to where I want to be without losing myself? Or can I risk losing myself now in order to get started, and then believe that someday I will be happier if I can just get myself through right now, no matter what? Can I undo the last few months' worth of work and start again at that beginning of the end, and push myself a little farther before rescuing myself?

I want to stop thinking about this, but I can't, because I need a solution. I need to do something effective.

I think this is enough to think about for tonight. Time for bed.

Asexual: Someone who does not experience sexual attraction.
Aromantic: Someone who has no desire for emotional relationships.

One of the artists I follow on Deviantart.com is working on an interesting information 'packet' on the term asexual and aromatic, specifically with regards to herself. Until lately I hadn't realized that such a term existed. Check out her data-gathering journal here: http://arborish.deviantart.com/journal/36863239/. I believe she is planning to write a full journal with her thoughts on the subject.

I hope I'll only ever do one post of this. It's break: I spend a lot of time on Youtube.

Justin Bieber
Pro: lesbian Biebers. 'nough said.
Con: his voice cracks, and creaks, and screeches.
Pro: maybe he's in-between growth stages where his voice breaks. He could sing the high notes when he was younger, and right now his talking voice sounds alright. Maybe when he gets older, his voice will get smoother.
Con: screaming fangirls who really should be doing something better with their time than screaming over him. Plus, their screams are annoying.
Pro: his mom spies on him with a camera and posts stuff on Youtube.
Pro: he's done way more with his life than I have.
Pro: he might use his influence and money for good?
Pro: awesome piano rendering of his songs, which are addictive in general.
Pro: awesome dancing.
Con: "Bieber-fever", "Biebian", "Belieber", "Biebermania"

Moving some notes over from FB to here, so that I can keep them (and remember the dark times in my life?) but clear out some gunk.

Empire Point of View IV by ~mhzdsgn on deviant ART
A little something to say, "Breathe!" Above all this turmoil there is air, and color. While the turmoil feels terrible, sometimes you have to admire its immensity and complexity, and realize that you only live in it. You can't control it.

Well, first quarter's finals' are over and done with. I think I bonded with some great people over it, when we were all in the computer cluster cramming. I live in a big dorm year that houses most of this year's transfers, and I really like the bunch of them. They've mostly bonded with each other, so there's this group of friends who all seem to be as likable as the other. They're hilarious people with such an optimistic outlook on life, so different from the average student's buckle down and grind attitude, even though they too work hard and excel.

Speaking of excelling, I didn't do so hot on my finals. Here's the breakdown:
Physics21: B+ (final: 126/200, mean 140)
Chem35: B-
Bio41: C
Stats141: B

ETA: Well, look at that. The two classes I studied least for got the two highest grades, and vice versa. Life's sense of humor is tragic. But I did beat the mean on my Bio41 final. I think it was the first midterm (55/100, mean ~70) that took me down. Let's not forget to submit the homework for Bio42 this quarter! And make flashcards throughout the quarter, and schedule to go to office hours.

Remember that homework where I thought myself an awesome programmer?

Check out the solutions:

I find it's not that I am not smart enough to do chemistry problems (that may be the case with physics problems, however), but I'm just so darn bored with it all that I enjoy looking through art like this:

OM- by *super-tuler on deviant ART

FYI.

LIIIIIICKKK by *super-tuler on deviant ART

Nothing serious now.

Well aren't chu cute by *super-tuler on deviant ART

It's December!
It's the last day of class!
Finals are next week!
Break is the week after!

That's a lot of good news, and stress, all wrapped up in one bundle :) Life is running on adrenaline, information is being processed at breakneck speed, and I'm amazed at how much I've learned this quarter.

This photograph has been high on favorites this week.

The Redhead by ~solucha on deviant ART
Something mesmerizing, something cold, something warm.

Friday, December 31, 2010

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Monday, December 27, 2010

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Friday, December 24, 2010

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Monday, December 20, 2010

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Monday, December 13, 2010

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Friday, December 10, 2010

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Friday, December 3, 2010