Sunday, February 28, 2010
2. Love
Today I mistook the farmer’s market to be at 8am when it’s truly at 9am. Jessica doesn’t want to go until 10am, but I’m not sure I want to go that late since it gets in the middle of really prime working time. By the way, I’d really like to start working with Google SketchUp to build the Felishorn world and to learn how to create houses for myself.
And I keep forgetting that I should use this space for my morning writeup practices. So here, today's topic is love.
Halle gazed at the child with mixed feelings. The pains of birthing had exhausted her, but she was a strong and able felishorn, and so shortly after she was able to breathe regularly, sit up, and examine the kit. The white bundle squirmed in distress when her warmth left, and his mews cut through the air. Strong voice, she thought, and energetic. Her mind flashed back to four months ago, when she would have first conceived him. It was her time, and so the wandering lust overcame her and she took to the mountains and found the snow, who embraced her as though she was an old friend. Then together they created a second life within her, and remnants of that same snow now lay next to her in the wet grass. If the child had been female, Halle would have seen a place for her within the clan and would have trained the kit herself to understand the sentinel's ways. But since he was male, she knew one day he would leave her, forever.
"You're my first son, you know..." she mused aloud to the kit. "and I don't know the first thing about sons." In reply he wriggled towards her, determined now to reclaim the warmth. Halle ran a slow tongue over his shivering frame and that calmed him, then with a sigh she lay down in the grass next to him, flicking him with her tail to move him to sleep. The sun peaked over the horizon and illuminated mother and child, and Halle let out a misty sigh. We'll take it one step at a time.
Love thoughts! Now back to Primavera.
Simple Chair
I'm not opposed to a room like this - I just don't think I'll be very productive in the evenings with it, when there aren't sunlight shining through. When the world is dark, I'd like my surroundings to be comfortable.
PAD 2007 - 285: Office Chaos
I do wonder sometimes if an office is my favorite place to be, especially if it's my own office. A little refurnishing would be in order to make the space a bit more homely, but otherwise the productive essences that shimmers from the space is lovely.
Spaces
Noise pervades the world, so much of it, and becomes disturbing. I need people to stop, or I need to get out of here.
Don't mind me as pictures of spaces come along. I'd like to build an archive of spaces I like to have someday.
Don't mind me as pictures of spaces come along. I'd like to build an archive of spaces I like to have someday.
Will Self's Writing Room
Deep desks are wonderful. I love to spread my work out and work with everything at the same time without fear of dropping or losing stuff.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Take a Hike
http://www.womentowomen.com/insulinresistance/sugarcravings.aspx
http://www.judyofthewoods.net/easel.html
Lol, get to these when you can. Time for a walk before my paper.
http://www.judyofthewoods.net/easel.html
Lol, get to these when you can. Time for a walk before my paper.
Vietnamese Summer Teaching Assistantship
Just to be considered for future summers. This time I am not eligible as a freshman, but will be as a sophomore.
http://www.ivce.org/education.php?educationid=0000000006
$200-$300 monthly stipend; money for travel and living expenses must be raised through grants and scholarships from Stanford.
Also, study abroad in Vietnam through Loyola Phoenix
http://www.loyolaphoenix.com/2.541/news/loyola-offers-study-abroad-program-in-vietnam-1.1170817
http://www.ivce.org/education.php?educationid=0000000006
$200-$300 monthly stipend; money for travel and living expenses must be raised through grants and scholarships from Stanford.
Also, study abroad in Vietnam through Loyola Phoenix
http://www.loyolaphoenix.com/2.541/news/loyola-offers-study-abroad-program-in-vietnam-1.1170817
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Locke Sucks - Majorly
Ran into Holly and went with her to see Crossing the Line, an autobiographical movie about a woman raped in Jerusalem. I think it's a bad idea to make an autobiography of such a story, since it makes it almost impossible to discuss what suddenly becomes a very sensitive subject to the filmmaker. A little distance is good. But better that she sat next to me and our feet almost touched. She's a wild child wrapped up in a fashion statement.
I couldn't decide, so two today.
New friend by *ymefreak on deviantART
Gorman's Rabbit II by `ursulav on deviantART
I couldn't decide, so two today.
New friend by *ymefreak on deviantART
Gorman's Rabbit II by `ursulav on deviantART
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Running on Three and a Half Hours...
...of sleep.
I'm waiting to see when I'll crash.
It rained today...I'm very grateful for residential classes.
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I wonder if there's something to be had about not sleeping enough. It seems to push your body into high-strung, focus gear that's great for productivity. If only I can be sure that I am not doing permanent damage to my body, I feel that being sleep-deprived might help me be successful in college. Hm. Maybe I should have taken that class on sleep.
Terra child by *shideh on deviantART
I'm waiting to see when I'll crash.
It rained today...I'm very grateful for residential classes.
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I wonder if there's something to be had about not sleeping enough. It seems to push your body into high-strung, focus gear that's great for productivity. If only I can be sure that I am not doing permanent damage to my body, I feel that being sleep-deprived might help me be successful in college. Hm. Maybe I should have taken that class on sleep.
Terra child by *shideh on deviantART
Monday, February 22, 2010
Crossing the Line
It's really hard to say no to Julia Feinberg when she looks at you as though her father just died, and she wants a hug. It's very needy and sad, and entirely justified.
I'll let you know how things went, but after this event, I have to start and finish a draft for the art paper.
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Hmm, now they're going to make me miss them when summer comes around. Crap.
I'll let you know how things went, but after this event, I have to start and finish a draft for the art paper.
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Hmm, now they're going to make me miss them when summer comes around. Crap.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Off-Hand Phrases
"That's what I thought"
Most annoying phrase in the world if you're the listener, because it makes you wonder why they bothered asking you to double-check if they were so sure of their answers. Especially hurtful if you're really sensitive and have low self-esteem.
It's useful as a way to assert yourself over others by showing that you have a mastery over the skill. You believe you have the answer, you just wanted to double check.
Most annoying phrase in the world if you're the listener, because it makes you wonder why they bothered asking you to double-check if they were so sure of their answers. Especially hurtful if you're really sensitive and have low self-esteem.
It's useful as a way to assert yourself over others by showing that you have a mastery over the skill. You believe you have the answer, you just wanted to double check.
Working All The Time and Being Efficient
Despite my qualms with Maia, I think there is something to learn from her. I need to learn how to just work, all the time, how to say, "Sorry, but I have a lot of reading to do and I'm going to feel really guilty if I go out and play tonight," and then stay in all morning/day/night and just get work done. She has the same amount of work as I do, but a more time-demanding job, and she's more diligent in her work than me. I need to pick that up from her, and work harder. I just need to do it without picking up the negative attitude she has when she's stressed out about her work.
Basic point, take her diligence and leave her stress. Work as hard as she does, but enjoy it.
I like being able to point out qualities in people to model after. It makes me feel guided and strengthened, and that I'm not alone. Also, once I've recognized that someone is superior to me, I don't feel so miserable when I fail to pass them. Sometimes, it feels great when I can convince myself to be humble. I do think I get too competitive sometimes.
She is a problem, and I need to solve that problem soon. My gut instinct, and everything I'm learning about her, tells me she's trouble. But there's this irresistible desire to get to know her better, and to get closer. This problem needs resolution, and it needs one soon, so that I can get on with my life. To start with, I need to stop discussing her with other people, since they're liable to just push me towards trouble in the attempt for my happiness.
Ovo was great today. Beautifully talented people. Wonderful costumes. Ok lighting; loved the glowing eggs, but everything else seems simplistic and not ambitious. But he's a new lighting designer for Cirque du Soleil.
Gotta get back to work now! I will finish reading Second Treatise of Government and Descartes, Discourse on Method (pp. 1-44) and Meditations I, II, and V (pp. 59-69, 87-92).
Basic point, take her diligence and leave her stress. Work as hard as she does, but enjoy it.
I like being able to point out qualities in people to model after. It makes me feel guided and strengthened, and that I'm not alone. Also, once I've recognized that someone is superior to me, I don't feel so miserable when I fail to pass them. Sometimes, it feels great when I can convince myself to be humble. I do think I get too competitive sometimes.
She is a problem, and I need to solve that problem soon. My gut instinct, and everything I'm learning about her, tells me she's trouble. But there's this irresistible desire to get to know her better, and to get closer. This problem needs resolution, and it needs one soon, so that I can get on with my life. To start with, I need to stop discussing her with other people, since they're liable to just push me towards trouble in the attempt for my happiness.
Ovo was great today. Beautifully talented people. Wonderful costumes. Ok lighting; loved the glowing eggs, but everything else seems simplistic and not ambitious. But he's a new lighting designer for Cirque du Soleil.
Gotta get back to work now! I will finish reading Second Treatise of Government and Descartes, Discourse on Method (pp. 1-44) and Meditations I, II, and V (pp. 59-69, 87-92).
Friday, February 19, 2010
Origami 2 by ~undoMeds on deviantART
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Maia Mosse
I feel used, by Maia. She always just wants to get her homework done, just wants the right answer, that she wrenches it out of me, and when she proves me wrong, she does so just so that she can get the right answer, and the moves on, while I'm left behind pondering over the new upturn she has just given me. She doesn't offer any guidance on finding the right answer, she doesn't give me help. She only takes.
It hurts, a little.
I took my chem midterm 2 again today, under an hour limit. I always fail to judge what concepts they're trying to test me on, and believe it or not, I think the time limit does put a pressure on me. Funny, I didn't think I had test-anxiety problems, but apparently, I do? So now I guess I'll just have to simulate the test taking environment as much as I can, starting with the math 20 midterm 2 next Monday.
Jennifer was wearing jeans today - I've never seen her wear jeans before. I was at a near empty office hours, so it wasn't as helpful, but at least it was relaxed. I need to learn how to phrase my questions to be more general and conceptual than specific and about detailed problems. I need to get her to talk, or because when I ask really specific questions, we spend a good chunk of time staring at each other while she tries to understand my question and put it into context. Ooops...that's not helpful.
It hurts, a little.
I took my chem midterm 2 again today, under an hour limit. I always fail to judge what concepts they're trying to test me on, and believe it or not, I think the time limit does put a pressure on me. Funny, I didn't think I had test-anxiety problems, but apparently, I do? So now I guess I'll just have to simulate the test taking environment as much as I can, starting with the math 20 midterm 2 next Monday.
Jennifer was wearing jeans today - I've never seen her wear jeans before. I was at a near empty office hours, so it wasn't as helpful, but at least it was relaxed. I need to learn how to phrase my questions to be more general and conceptual than specific and about detailed problems. I need to get her to talk, or because when I ask really specific questions, we spend a good chunk of time staring at each other while she tries to understand my question and put it into context. Ooops...that's not helpful.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Foggy Morning
Today started out foggy, though not that foggy, since I couldn't get up until 7:30am. I'm sure it would have been much soupier before. I love the way the birds sing in the morning.
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I don't like Sceth anymore, and I know it's an incredibly little of me to say and feel this way, but I can't help but feel challenged by his very presence. We have such similar interests and goals that, when he does them all better than I can, I am reminded of my failures and insignificance whenever I am around him. It's as though the rays of sunlight that radiates off of him makes it unbearable to be around him.
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I don't like Sceth anymore, and I know it's an incredibly little of me to say and feel this way, but I can't help but feel challenged by his very presence. We have such similar interests and goals that, when he does them all better than I can, I am reminded of my failures and insignificance whenever I am around him. It's as though the rays of sunlight that radiates off of him makes it unbearable to be around him.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Happy Valentine's Day
Today the FloMo staff woke everybody up with pink carnations and lots of pounding. Then they lured us down to the Cardinal lounge with donuts and juice. Then they entertained us with an A Capella group. Which was nice, at 8am.
Although I should have been awake earlier. I think yesterday's comfort eating and the previous week's tiredness made me crash for a good nine hours last night. Which is pretty good.
There's a lot of good feelings going around right now, so I may stay in today. Hopefully I can get work done.
I wonder if there's anybody I'd like to be sweet to today. Not Alyssa, because that might suggest and urge other things. Not H, because that would make awkward what we have now, if we have anything. Not Alison.
No, I think today I'd better love me. Happy Valentine's Day!
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I think there's a part of me that yearns to make art. If we're on the theme of being happy and loving ourselves, my heart and mind are yearning for the chance to create and embellish without reason, deadlines, or restraints. I think this summer, if all plans fall through, that I could spend three months depicting the world. That's a promise.
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This summer, I would really like to take some classes here at Stanford, explore the surrounding neighborhood and sketch the houses, pick and press flowers to start a collage book, and decorate my parent's house with bottles, lights, and candle lights. I think it would make things beautiful. And oh, if I could maintain a garden! The sad thing is that during the school year, it would go to waste...
Classes to take during the summer:
- horse riding
- piano
- chemistry
- math 51
- studio art
- crafts working? there must be something like that here...
This summer, too, I need to buy a pair of sandals with which I can have my adventures.
And the guy in the LGBT center with me is annoying...he dropped something and made such a big deal out of it, in the most annoying voice possible. Time to go.
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Although I should have been awake earlier. I think yesterday's comfort eating and the previous week's tiredness made me crash for a good nine hours last night. Which is pretty good.
There's a lot of good feelings going around right now, so I may stay in today. Hopefully I can get work done.
I wonder if there's anybody I'd like to be sweet to today. Not Alyssa, because that might suggest and urge other things. Not H, because that would make awkward what we have now, if we have anything. Not Alison.
No, I think today I'd better love me. Happy Valentine's Day!
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I think there's a part of me that yearns to make art. If we're on the theme of being happy and loving ourselves, my heart and mind are yearning for the chance to create and embellish without reason, deadlines, or restraints. I think this summer, if all plans fall through, that I could spend three months depicting the world. That's a promise.
==================================================================
This summer, I would really like to take some classes here at Stanford, explore the surrounding neighborhood and sketch the houses, pick and press flowers to start a collage book, and decorate my parent's house with bottles, lights, and candle lights. I think it would make things beautiful. And oh, if I could maintain a garden! The sad thing is that during the school year, it would go to waste...
Classes to take during the summer:
- horse riding
- piano
- chemistry
- math 51
- studio art
- crafts working? there must be something like that here...
This summer, too, I need to buy a pair of sandals with which I can have my adventures.
And the guy in the LGBT center with me is annoying...he dropped something and made such a big deal out of it, in the most annoying voice possible. Time to go.
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Saturday, February 13, 2010
Helping Others
Today I helped a friend who broke down a cried when the thing she had been anticipating for a month and a half didn't happen because others didn't plan well. Apparently, the planners got drunk and forgot to make the arrangement. So she didn't go bowling - she ran out of the room trying to hold back tears, and cried next to me for the next few hours. I wasn't very helpful with my words, since I'm never good at knowing what to say, but she's a talker anyway, so it was alright. She knows how to fill the air with words so that there's never uncomfortable silence. But she cried until her nose bled and she got a headache, so I was very concerned and gave her lots of hugs and snuggles.
I'm a doer, not a talker.
Then we went and I had a run in with spicy buffalo wings, whose fumes nauseated me before I could even taste it. The French fries were pretty good though. Earlier that day I had also eaten way too much; today was a comfort food day. So I didn't get as much work done as I wanted to.
When we got back to the dorm, we baked a cake for Jeremy Cook, whose birthday it is today. How nice when people are born around or near Valentines Day; I think it must have been a wonderful gift for their mothers. Then, I texted Dan and asked him to come make Mac and Cheese with Layne, so I think she's much better now. I'm glad I thought of it.
I'm a doer. I like to make things happen, but I kinda fail when it comes to comforting people with words.
I wish I knew how to take care of myself better.
I'm a doer, not a talker.
Then we went and I had a run in with spicy buffalo wings, whose fumes nauseated me before I could even taste it. The French fries were pretty good though. Earlier that day I had also eaten way too much; today was a comfort food day. So I didn't get as much work done as I wanted to.
When we got back to the dorm, we baked a cake for Jeremy Cook, whose birthday it is today. How nice when people are born around or near Valentines Day; I think it must have been a wonderful gift for their mothers. Then, I texted Dan and asked him to come make Mac and Cheese with Layne, so I think she's much better now. I'm glad I thought of it.
I'm a doer. I like to make things happen, but I kinda fail when it comes to comforting people with words.
I wish I knew how to take care of myself better.
Bright New Day
Today I'm feeling better. The goals must remain the same, but the bright morning sun and mild weather makes it bearable. Or unbearable, since I'd want to be outside in that weather. Still, no distractions.
Let's get to work.
Let's get to work.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Tears in a Bathroom
Today I received a 58% on my Chem31B midterm, and I took myself to the PHE's bathroom and I cried. I cried for my stupidity, for my ignorance, for my arrogance, for my love of chemistry.
How dare I love chemistry when it should be respected, feared, and when it is my absolute master?
How dare I love something that has no emotion, and that doesn't care whether I love it or not, because it's judgement is absolute?
How dare I not study, how dare I not spend every waking moment of my life learning, relearning, and studying and reviewing chemistry?
I don't know what to do, I don't know how to stop crying, how to stop being emotional, how to stop hating myself. I don't know how I can be t better at this.
there's nothing anyone else can say that eases the wretchedness within my heart. I've never gone into a public bathroom, sit, and cry myself sick before. and i know that after this i will go back to work, to study, and to not play, and i will still fail and find myslef back here in the bathroom, crying my heart to the floor.
so what more can i do than just leat the torrents flow, and flow, and flow, until there's none left? how do i save myself without giving up on something that's hard? how can i maintain my dignity in front of others when i know inside that i am a complete failure?
Get up, keep moving. Keep working.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Furiosity
I hate it when things make me rant twice. I really, really, really do.
Seriously.
I am convinced that the world hates me. It must, what other explanations can there be? Because I have no other explanation for why some guy who wants to be a humanities major procrastinates on his problem set until 1am the day it's due, who skips lectures and procrastinates on his readings, who never attends outreach or office hours, scores perfect on the tests. I have no other explanation for why I, who study for hours daily and never break, never party or socialize or drink, and spend countless hours in the chemistry building working out problems after problems, and get C's on my test.
The universe hates me; there's no other explanation.
And what I want to know is when it will stop. When will I be given some acknowledge that I had enough intelligence to get in here, and that I should have the intelligence to succeed. TELL ME WHAT MORE I CAN DO, and I'll do it. Tell me how angry I have to get, how frustrated, how sleepless, I must be in order to get that A on a test.
Tell me, when will I get it? Because I'm waiting, and I'm reaching as hard and running as fast as I can, and apparently, I'm still worthless.
Seriously.
I am convinced that the world hates me. It must, what other explanations can there be? Because I have no other explanation for why some guy who wants to be a humanities major procrastinates on his problem set until 1am the day it's due, who skips lectures and procrastinates on his readings, who never attends outreach or office hours, scores perfect on the tests. I have no other explanation for why I, who study for hours daily and never break, never party or socialize or drink, and spend countless hours in the chemistry building working out problems after problems, and get C's on my test.
The universe hates me; there's no other explanation.
And what I want to know is when it will stop. When will I be given some acknowledge that I had enough intelligence to get in here, and that I should have the intelligence to succeed. TELL ME WHAT MORE I CAN DO, and I'll do it. Tell me how angry I have to get, how frustrated, how sleepless, I must be in order to get that A on a test.
Tell me, when will I get it? Because I'm waiting, and I'm reaching as hard and running as fast as I can, and apparently, I'm still worthless.