Today I received a 58% on my Chem31B midterm, and I took myself to the PHE's bathroom and I cried. I cried for my stupidity, for my ignorance, for my arrogance, for my love of chemistry.
How dare I love chemistry when it should be respected, feared, and when it is my absolute master?
How dare I love something that has no emotion, and that doesn't care whether I love it or not, because it's judgement is absolute?
How dare I not study, how dare I not spend every waking moment of my life learning, relearning, and studying and reviewing chemistry?
I don't know what to do, I don't know how to stop crying, how to stop being emotional, how to stop hating myself. I don't know how I can be t better at this.
there's nothing anyone else can say that eases the wretchedness within my heart. I've never gone into a public bathroom, sit, and cry myself sick before. and i know that after this i will go back to work, to study, and to not play, and i will still fail and find myslef back here in the bathroom, crying my heart to the floor.
so what more can i do than just leat the torrents flow, and flow, and flow, until there's none left? how do i save myself without giving up on something that's hard? how can i maintain my dignity in front of others when i know inside that i am a complete failure?
Get up, keep moving. Keep working.
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