Today's just one of those days where I have strange cravings for tomatoes and don't give a damn about anybody else.
I'm also on my monthlies, but that's beside the point.
Australia has been amazing so far. The work hasn't started in earnest, so we've just had time to ourselves for a week getting to know the campus, our homestays, TRP projects and introductory lectures.
(by the way, this library study room was perfectly warm before they remembered to turn on the AC. you're killing the planet and ME people.)
(yeah, i really should be staying away from people today.)
I've been reading a lot, lately, I've been feeling a craving for words. But I'm reading fanfiction, stories about Quinn Fabray in various universes (mostly loving Rachel, but in some stories that's not so important) because these writers have a habit of portraying her as someone I recognize to be very similar to myself. She gets lost in words, too, and the little things that to both of us really mean big ideas. No matter how rebellious she's portrayed, Quinn is always softer, gentler, quieter on the inside. And maybe I'm reading so much into her because I'm trying to figure out how to make a life of dreams and imagination work.
Right now I'm a little lost in the words to write very well, but very soon I'm going to have to dig myself out of this hole and read facts rather than dreams, write words rather than eat them. And the whole thing makes me very sad. I'm not ready yet.
So I can't write about Australia properly yet because I'm still stuck in a different country. Never fear that I am in fact having a good time, paying attention to the world around me, but walking through it nonetheless in a rather misted state. Dreaming's a big part of the aboriginal culture here, and dreaming I've been, searching for something. And I apologize if the term was used incorrectly.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Maybe with her, it wouldn't be so bad.
(Um...what happened to Blogger? Google bought it out? Because I can't navigate anything anymore.)
Sometimes, I marvel at life's ability to sort itself into chapters. Or perhaps it is my ability to draw conclusions as my writing skills improve, but lately it feels as though a chapter has closed in my life. I'll start from the beginning.
I met Ari (name changed) the Wednesday of my first week here. She's an intern for the NMNH, attends Hamilton College, and originates from Seattle. It was customary to attend your first Wednesday coffee break with the mammals department so that introductions could be made, so I showed up shyly behind Eric, wondering what the heck I was going to talk about. I stood around awkwardly for the first bit, enjoying my coffee and ducking my head when I was introduced to the room at large. As people trickled out, I sidled over to Ari and Lea, two girls my age who worked together in the Rodent Range, and attempted conversation. When I noticed the "Seattle Pride" rainbow wristband Ari wore, I'd figured.
Sometimes, I marvel at life's ability to sort itself into chapters. Or perhaps it is my ability to draw conclusions as my writing skills improve, but lately it feels as though a chapter has closed in my life. I'll start from the beginning.
I met Ari (name changed) the Wednesday of my first week here. She's an intern for the NMNH, attends Hamilton College, and originates from Seattle. It was customary to attend your first Wednesday coffee break with the mammals department so that introductions could be made, so I showed up shyly behind Eric, wondering what the heck I was going to talk about. I stood around awkwardly for the first bit, enjoying my coffee and ducking my head when I was introduced to the room at large. As people trickled out, I sidled over to Ari and Lea, two girls my age who worked together in the Rodent Range, and attempted conversation. When I noticed the "Seattle Pride" rainbow wristband Ari wore, I'd figured.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
I'm trying to work here, people!
Here's how my room search has gone down:
- Move in with Uncle T and his three young children and wife.
- Realize I'll be sleeping on the floor, in the middle of the living room, on a mat.
- Realize the family doesn't go to bed until midnight.
- Realize commute requires getting up at 6am.
- Live there for 2 weeks, go to work each day sleep-deprived and grumpy, sit at a local Starbucks until 10pm each night before commuting home in order to avoid having to take care of the kids and zero privacy.
- Finally realizing that poor mental peace leads to poor quality thinking and no creativity.
- Ask for help to re-locate. Nobody comes up with anything. Uncle can't think of anybody.
- Start looking at Craigslist for a new place.
- Visit a super sketchy neighborhood to view a room. Talk to police officer afterwards about sketchiness of neighborhood. Reject.
- Visit a mildly sketchy neighborhood to view a room. Shake on it, visit the neighbors and arrange for renting furniture.
- Tell Uncle about it, and suddenly EVERYBODY PANICS and gets on his phone to reach a contact because "area is not safe".
- Sit here at work unable to work because people and their priorities and demands suck.
I understand and very much appreciate their concerns for my safety, but they should realize that this 19-year-old poor student in a strange city is not going to have connections to safe, convenient areas. I fully understand that whatever I pull up on Craigslist is going to be sketchy, and I am aware of that and have been looking at mildly sketchy places.
- Move in with Uncle T and his three young children and wife.
- Realize I'll be sleeping on the floor, in the middle of the living room, on a mat.
- Realize the family doesn't go to bed until midnight.
- Realize commute requires getting up at 6am.
- Live there for 2 weeks, go to work each day sleep-deprived and grumpy, sit at a local Starbucks until 10pm each night before commuting home in order to avoid having to take care of the kids and zero privacy.
- Finally realizing that poor mental peace leads to poor quality thinking and no creativity.
- Ask for help to re-locate. Nobody comes up with anything. Uncle can't think of anybody.
- Start looking at Craigslist for a new place.
- Visit a super sketchy neighborhood to view a room. Talk to police officer afterwards about sketchiness of neighborhood. Reject.
- Visit a mildly sketchy neighborhood to view a room. Shake on it, visit the neighbors and arrange for renting furniture.
- Tell Uncle about it, and suddenly EVERYBODY PANICS and gets on his phone to reach a contact because "area is not safe".
- Sit here at work unable to work because people and their priorities and demands suck.
I understand and very much appreciate their concerns for my safety, but they should realize that this 19-year-old poor student in a strange city is not going to have connections to safe, convenient areas. I fully understand that whatever I pull up on Craigslist is going to be sketchy, and I am aware of that and have been looking at mildly sketchy places.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Summer Starts
Almost forever this time, but I'm only starting my second week of a summer internship at the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History.
The spring quarter at Hopkins ended really well: 2 A's and 2 B's. It was a relief to know that I could do well in biology lab and statistics, since I think those are the two classes that indicate I might be a good scientist. The more test-reliant classes, BioCore43 and Ecological and Environmental Physiology, again dragged B's, but at least not C's. I can forgive myself for EEP (I even disagree with the grading/teacher, a little), since I wasn't quite ready for that class. BioCore43 was an improvement, so I can't complain. I just dread having to take BioCore41 and 42 again, though. I don't know how to get better at testing.
Work at the NMNH is good. I like what I'm doing, although I admit it is dull. I'm in a foul mood today because the skull measurements aren't turning out right. Our numbers don't match, and until they do we can't go on gathering data. It's frustrating that my training period is stretching into a second week when there's only ten weeks in the internship - I may have to stay an extra week in order to feel satisfied with my experience here. But Eric is being patient, and I'm really grateful.
Part of my present agitation comes from the living situation. I'm living rent-free with an uncle, his wife and three young daughters, sleeping on the living room floor. I'm very lucky to have found a free place to stay, and they even feed me dinners and let me take leftovers for lunch, but the chaos of the household unsettles my mind frame and leaves me in a really bad mood, which makes facing my daily responsibilities difficult. My uncle and his wife share philosophies that I don't agree with. He talks a lot about being open-minded like the Americans, about listening to one's children and networking for success, but he doesn't do a lot of listening and thinking. When he talks, his voice is so commanding that it invades my own thoughts, which makes me uncomfortable and does not encourage me to think and respond. So I sit in repressed silence, biting my tongue to be polite, and by now it's become exhausting.
He seems to have some control over his wife, too, despite what he declares. He wants her to be a full-time mother while only he works. Perhaps it's good in some household, but I think in this one the children have become repressed. Their mother believes in learning instigated by fear, and uses a harsh, loud tone to command her children to eat, brush their teeth, and go through an insane routine of nose cleaning, vitamin supplements and mouth washes before bed. She means well in her heart because her children do not cry when she yells while I struggle to hold back tears as if my own mother were yelling at me. I think they know she loves them, but it is such a chaotic way to run a household. They murmur compliance but drag their feet, unmotivated to action. She also believes that students need to fear their teachers in order to learn, and demands her children hold their highest grades in their classes in true Chinese mother fashion. Unfortunately, she sometimes go as far as completing, in part, her daughters' assignments. I understand her motivations, but her actions churn my stomach.
Her children are sweet, but like all children under 15 they drain your energy. The youngest is entering second grade, and she waits for me to come home each night to play card games with her, even though the wait often lasts until 10pm or later. Like her middle sister, she is one of those children who linger over their dinner, forced to finish a given food quota and eating spoonfuls by sluggish spoonfuls. I try to help by dangling a game of cards if she finishes her dinner promptly, and she complies. We brush our teeth together each night so that she would finish that too in a timely manner. What her mother commands by threats I learned to tease out with games, and for me she hurries, for me she waits. This, as one can imagine, is incredibly touching, and I love the little one dearly. We would go through her grammar book together at dinner under her mother's stern eyes and under my insistence she would go over her answers twice - I hope it's a lesson she'll remember, because I'm certainly struggling with that now! But all this rebuilding, brick by brick, drains my energy after a long day at work. Today I'm hesitant to leave my bookstore sanctuary and take the train home, because the moment I walk into that condo I feel responsible for this little girl.
Her sisters are slowly growing into their parents. I'm at a loss for words when they mock and tease the youngest and I as we play cards, or as I urge her to finish eating. "Take a bite," I would say, dangling a card move over her nose with a smile. "Yeah, take a bite," her sisters would jab, turning my encouragements into a demeaning command one would give a dog. They would peak at both our cards and spill our secrets, jabbering random card names as we struggle to hear each other ask for the next card in Goldfish. It's infuriating, and although I am older, I can't think of a reprimand that would make me unlike their mother. They are too old to be encouraged by games and too mean-spirited for honest words, but also too young for a hard talk. Plus, I only seem to be capable of managing one girl at a time. The three of them together confuses my intentions, so thus far I've focused all my energies on the youngest while the other two run wild. It's exhausting, and I'm tired, and frustrated into redundancy.
And by now I know I write most when life is frustrating.
This weekend a friend was kind enough to let me live in her apartment. She needed paid help for a day, which I was more than happy to offer, but extended the hospitality of her couch for the weekend once I confessed my frustrations with my uncle's household. After a long day of work and an evening with the girls, dinner comes at 10pm and unpeaceful quiet at midnight. I sleep until 6am, when it's time to take the long commute into the city for work. Both the lack of sleep and peace exhausts me and make each work day doubly frustrating. As the week drew closer, I begged for repeats and offered to split the groceries and cleaning duties - to which she agrees and I am eternally grateful. But right now, on the immediate Monday pending my commute back to McLean, VA, I dread the return and know that's not enough. Perhaps it's that time of the month when my patience cuts short, but it's not enough to endure half the week at my uncle's place and recuperate in the second half at my friends' apartment. I may have lasted the first week, but thus far I have no energy for this week. I've confessed this to my mother and aunt, begging them to help me find another contact in the city since it was them who found me this uncle. I can't spend very much at all on rent, and it's difficult to find much better than free rent at my uncle's, but I feel a change is necessary if I want a successful summer.
The spring quarter at Hopkins ended really well: 2 A's and 2 B's. It was a relief to know that I could do well in biology lab and statistics, since I think those are the two classes that indicate I might be a good scientist. The more test-reliant classes, BioCore43 and Ecological and Environmental Physiology, again dragged B's, but at least not C's. I can forgive myself for EEP (I even disagree with the grading/teacher, a little), since I wasn't quite ready for that class. BioCore43 was an improvement, so I can't complain. I just dread having to take BioCore41 and 42 again, though. I don't know how to get better at testing.
Work at the NMNH is good. I like what I'm doing, although I admit it is dull. I'm in a foul mood today because the skull measurements aren't turning out right. Our numbers don't match, and until they do we can't go on gathering data. It's frustrating that my training period is stretching into a second week when there's only ten weeks in the internship - I may have to stay an extra week in order to feel satisfied with my experience here. But Eric is being patient, and I'm really grateful.
Part of my present agitation comes from the living situation. I'm living rent-free with an uncle, his wife and three young daughters, sleeping on the living room floor. I'm very lucky to have found a free place to stay, and they even feed me dinners and let me take leftovers for lunch, but the chaos of the household unsettles my mind frame and leaves me in a really bad mood, which makes facing my daily responsibilities difficult. My uncle and his wife share philosophies that I don't agree with. He talks a lot about being open-minded like the Americans, about listening to one's children and networking for success, but he doesn't do a lot of listening and thinking. When he talks, his voice is so commanding that it invades my own thoughts, which makes me uncomfortable and does not encourage me to think and respond. So I sit in repressed silence, biting my tongue to be polite, and by now it's become exhausting.
He seems to have some control over his wife, too, despite what he declares. He wants her to be a full-time mother while only he works. Perhaps it's good in some household, but I think in this one the children have become repressed. Their mother believes in learning instigated by fear, and uses a harsh, loud tone to command her children to eat, brush their teeth, and go through an insane routine of nose cleaning, vitamin supplements and mouth washes before bed. She means well in her heart because her children do not cry when she yells while I struggle to hold back tears as if my own mother were yelling at me. I think they know she loves them, but it is such a chaotic way to run a household. They murmur compliance but drag their feet, unmotivated to action. She also believes that students need to fear their teachers in order to learn, and demands her children hold their highest grades in their classes in true Chinese mother fashion. Unfortunately, she sometimes go as far as completing, in part, her daughters' assignments. I understand her motivations, but her actions churn my stomach.
Her children are sweet, but like all children under 15 they drain your energy. The youngest is entering second grade, and she waits for me to come home each night to play card games with her, even though the wait often lasts until 10pm or later. Like her middle sister, she is one of those children who linger over their dinner, forced to finish a given food quota and eating spoonfuls by sluggish spoonfuls. I try to help by dangling a game of cards if she finishes her dinner promptly, and she complies. We brush our teeth together each night so that she would finish that too in a timely manner. What her mother commands by threats I learned to tease out with games, and for me she hurries, for me she waits. This, as one can imagine, is incredibly touching, and I love the little one dearly. We would go through her grammar book together at dinner under her mother's stern eyes and under my insistence she would go over her answers twice - I hope it's a lesson she'll remember, because I'm certainly struggling with that now! But all this rebuilding, brick by brick, drains my energy after a long day at work. Today I'm hesitant to leave my bookstore sanctuary and take the train home, because the moment I walk into that condo I feel responsible for this little girl.
Her sisters are slowly growing into their parents. I'm at a loss for words when they mock and tease the youngest and I as we play cards, or as I urge her to finish eating. "Take a bite," I would say, dangling a card move over her nose with a smile. "Yeah, take a bite," her sisters would jab, turning my encouragements into a demeaning command one would give a dog. They would peak at both our cards and spill our secrets, jabbering random card names as we struggle to hear each other ask for the next card in Goldfish. It's infuriating, and although I am older, I can't think of a reprimand that would make me unlike their mother. They are too old to be encouraged by games and too mean-spirited for honest words, but also too young for a hard talk. Plus, I only seem to be capable of managing one girl at a time. The three of them together confuses my intentions, so thus far I've focused all my energies on the youngest while the other two run wild. It's exhausting, and I'm tired, and frustrated into redundancy.
And by now I know I write most when life is frustrating.
This weekend a friend was kind enough to let me live in her apartment. She needed paid help for a day, which I was more than happy to offer, but extended the hospitality of her couch for the weekend once I confessed my frustrations with my uncle's household. After a long day of work and an evening with the girls, dinner comes at 10pm and unpeaceful quiet at midnight. I sleep until 6am, when it's time to take the long commute into the city for work. Both the lack of sleep and peace exhausts me and make each work day doubly frustrating. As the week drew closer, I begged for repeats and offered to split the groceries and cleaning duties - to which she agrees and I am eternally grateful. But right now, on the immediate Monday pending my commute back to McLean, VA, I dread the return and know that's not enough. Perhaps it's that time of the month when my patience cuts short, but it's not enough to endure half the week at my uncle's place and recuperate in the second half at my friends' apartment. I may have lasted the first week, but thus far I have no energy for this week. I've confessed this to my mother and aunt, begging them to help me find another contact in the city since it was them who found me this uncle. I can't spend very much at all on rent, and it's difficult to find much better than free rent at my uncle's, but I feel a change is necessary if I want a successful summer.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Whoa, it's been forever!
Hopkins Marine Station at the Monterey Stanford branch has been a blast, and it's almost over! One terrible final to go, one rough final behind me, and a stats final to turn in. It'll be ok. I've got pictures.
And a Tumblr.
And a twitter.
The first thanks to a friend. The second thanks to the Glee cast. They're keeping their fans updated throughout their live tour, so even though I missed them in SJ a few weeks ago, I'm keeping up with all the fun as they travel across the country. I love good fan service.
So this blog should be used for longer posts now that media can be kept to Tumblr, and social interactions to Twitter. Did my life just get triply more complicated?
Hopkins Marine Station at the Monterey Stanford branch has been a blast, and it's almost over! One terrible final to go, one rough final behind me, and a stats final to turn in. It'll be ok. I've got pictures.
And a Tumblr.
And a twitter.
The first thanks to a friend. The second thanks to the Glee cast. They're keeping their fans updated throughout their live tour, so even though I missed them in SJ a few weeks ago, I'm keeping up with all the fun as they travel across the country. I love good fan service.
So this blog should be used for longer posts now that media can be kept to Tumblr, and social interactions to Twitter. Did my life just get triply more complicated?
Friday, April 29, 2011
Baker Josef's Light n' Fluffy Pancakes
Light n' Fluffy Pancakes
1.5 cups AP
3.5 tsp baking powder
3/4 tsp salt
1 tsp baking soda
1 tbs granulated sugar
1.25 cups milk
1 egg
3 tbs butter, melted
For slight sweeter pancakes, add 1 tsp of vanilla extract
1) In a large bowl, sift together the flour, baking powder, salt and sugar. Make a well in the center and pour in the milk, egg and melted butter; mix until smooth.
2) Heat a lightly oiled griddle or frying pan over medium high heat. Pour or scoop the batter onto the griddle, using approximately 1/4 cup for each pancake. Brown on both sides and serve hot. Yields about 6-8 pancakes.
1.5 cups AP
3.5 tsp baking powder
3/4 tsp salt
1 tsp baking soda
1 tbs granulated sugar
1.25 cups milk
1 egg
3 tbs butter, melted
For slight sweeter pancakes, add 1 tsp of vanilla extract
1) In a large bowl, sift together the flour, baking powder, salt and sugar. Make a well in the center and pour in the milk, egg and melted butter; mix until smooth.
2) Heat a lightly oiled griddle or frying pan over medium high heat. Pour or scoop the batter onto the griddle, using approximately 1/4 cup for each pancake. Brown on both sides and serve hot. Yields about 6-8 pancakes.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
Townies: Look at Me, I’m Crying
http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/04/20/look-at-me-im-crying/
Townies: Look at Me, I’m Crying
Slipping into privacy, in the most public of spaces.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Links on a Productive Day
I did modest amount of work, but I'm very proud of this modest amount because it was done in a productive timespace. That is, I worked relatively undistracted for a long while before my brain went away again. And when it walked off, it encountered many beautiful things. Such as...
Inspiration on perfection
Oatmeal for Father
Donuts...for me
Glimpse into the life of The Makers
A pho recipe, and a wondering mind as to where we'll get 5-6 lbs of bones, and how to best share this recipe
Also, Mother called an uncle living in Virginia today, and I called him too. Looks like I might have housing this summer that makes everyone happy, including me, though I was happy before with my personal arrangements. I went to a farmer's market, made dinner, called Auntie, ate too much of a vegetarian sandwich which made me adamant to try more, caught up on BioHopk43, surfed the internet, and made plans for breakfast (rich plums from the market with borrowed yogurt, honey and either cheerios or borrowed crushed almonds).
Now, some Felishorns.
Inspiration on perfection
Oatmeal for Father
Donuts...for me
Glimpse into the life of The Makers
A pho recipe, and a wondering mind as to where we'll get 5-6 lbs of bones, and how to best share this recipe
Also, Mother called an uncle living in Virginia today, and I called him too. Looks like I might have housing this summer that makes everyone happy, including me, though I was happy before with my personal arrangements. I went to a farmer's market, made dinner, called Auntie, ate too much of a vegetarian sandwich which made me adamant to try more, caught up on BioHopk43, surfed the internet, and made plans for breakfast (rich plums from the market with borrowed yogurt, honey and either cheerios or borrowed crushed almonds).
Now, some Felishorns.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Perfume
Oh, and one more. Just what if, instead of empowering women through effeminate means we bring out the tension and rock and roll, and hold nothing back?
In any case, quite a few of these put the power in women's hands, and all the better.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Japanese Bakes
Here I go again. But first, some hair:
http://fuckyeahgirlswithshorthair.tumblr.com/
http://fuckyeahlesbianhaircuts.tumblr.com/
Starting a tumblr is starting to be come very tempting.
Potato-Apple Kugel: http://cookingwithchristina.tumblr.com/post/3708396634
Quick Tuna Casserole: http://cookingwithchristina.tumblr.com/post/3847981512
Dutch Stamppot: http://cookingwithchristina.tumblr.com/post/3670269783
Chili: http://cookingwithchristina.tumblr.com/post/3621612016
Apple Avocado Salad with Tangerine Dressing: http://cookingwithchristina.tumblr.com/post/3621867923
Winter Fruit Salad with Lemon Poppyseed Dressing: http://cookingwithchristina.tumblr.com/post/3622028516
Apples and Peanut Butter: why didn't I remember this?
Dandelion Pesto: http://www.davidlebovitz.com/2011/03/dandelion-pesto-recipe/#more-4910
Spinach and Strawberry Salad: http://cookingwithchristina.tumblr.com/post/3304193015
Orange Pancakes: http://cookingwithchristina.tumblr.com/post/3101985702
Chicken, Cheddar, and Apple Wraps: http://cookingwithchristina.tumblr.com/post/3052448781
A Japanese food blog filled with sweet things, bread and macaroons: http://coupefeti.exblog.jp/. A reminder to try things in small sizes and enjoy variety. Bread, my dear, bread, but also family
A recipe book: http://steamykitchen.com/recipes
A recipe search engine: http://www.foodily.com/
A food blog to give you diabetes: http://fuckyeahcutefood.tumblr.com
I think the next thing to invest for my little kitchen next week is mayonnaise.
http://fuckyeahgirlswithshorthair.tumblr.com/
http://fuckyeahlesbianhaircuts.tumblr.com/
Starting a tumblr is starting to be come very tempting.
Potato-Apple Kugel: http://cookingwithchristina.tumblr.com/post/3708396634
Quick Tuna Casserole: http://cookingwithchristina.tumblr.com/post/3847981512
Dutch Stamppot: http://cookingwithchristina.tumblr.com/post/3670269783
Chili: http://cookingwithchristina.tumblr.com/post/3621612016
Apple Avocado Salad with Tangerine Dressing: http://cookingwithchristina.tumblr.com/post/3621867923
Winter Fruit Salad with Lemon Poppyseed Dressing: http://cookingwithchristina.tumblr.com/post/3622028516
Apples and Peanut Butter: why didn't I remember this?
Dandelion Pesto: http://www.davidlebovitz.com/2011/03/dandelion-pesto-recipe/#more-4910
Spinach and Strawberry Salad: http://cookingwithchristina.tumblr.com/post/3304193015
Orange Pancakes: http://cookingwithchristina.tumblr.com/post/3101985702
Chicken, Cheddar, and Apple Wraps: http://cookingwithchristina.tumblr.com/post/3052448781
A Japanese food blog filled with sweet things, bread and macaroons: http://coupefeti.exblog.jp/. A reminder to try things in small sizes and enjoy variety. Bread, my dear, bread, but also family
A recipe book: http://steamykitchen.com/recipes
A recipe search engine: http://www.foodily.com/
A food blog to give you diabetes: http://fuckyeahcutefood.tumblr.com
I think the next thing to invest for my little kitchen next week is mayonnaise.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
One Last Time Guys
Are we ready for Hermione one last time? I can't wait for the movie. It's sad that I won't be able to see it with my best friend and her mother, who I've been seeing all the movies with as they come out since maybe the fifth one? Can't remember any more, but I just remember there's a lot of good memories.
Do I need to start a Tumblr just for pictures? I dunno yet.
 |
| via iheartwatson.net |
Natural Treatments for Depression
11 Natural Treatments for Depression
And some recipes to follow, since food is a natural treatment, after all.
5 Best Snacks To Boost Your Mood
Dark Chocolate Zucchini Cake: http://www.care2.com/greenliving/dark-chocolate-zucchini-cake.html
Mango Banana Soup With Cardamom: http://www.care2.com/greenliving/mango-banana-soup-with-cardamom.html
There's actually a good resource of recipe on that website. Check it out when you have the chance.
And some recipes to follow, since food is a natural treatment, after all.
5 Best Snacks To Boost Your Mood
Dark Chocolate Zucchini Cake: http://www.care2.com/greenliving/dark-chocolate-zucchini-cake.html
Mango Banana Soup With Cardamom: http://www.care2.com/greenliving/mango-banana-soup-with-cardamom.html
There's actually a good resource of recipe on that website. Check it out when you have the chance.
Recipes Tonight
Well, the night was meant for reading on Monterey Bay snails as research for my lab paper (due Saturday), and what to do when I start falling asleep? Browse food blogs for interesting recipes, desperately looking for a way to use up all the mixed greens I bought at the farmer's market today. Large leafy greens, what to do? I can work with spinach ('burning' them is my current favorite method), but the only thing I can think to do with large leaves is to roll them with some canned tuna mixture. In any case, peruse. I've become such a foodie lately that my academics might as well have gone down the drain as my belly swells.
http://scanwiches.com/
Homemade: Italian Sausage, Caramelized Onions, Roasted Red Peppers, On a Baguette
Homemade: Turkey, Ham, Lettuce, Tomato, Onion, Swiss, Mayo, Mustard, on Wheat Bread
Five Boro Bistro @ Google NYC: Ham, Turkey, Lettuce, Onions, Cheddar Cheese, On White Toast
Everyday Food Magazine Thanksgiving Leftover Sandwiches: Turkey, Mashed Potatoes, Cheddar, on a whole wheat bread (click here to read the article)
D&D Deli: Virginia Ham, Mixed Greens, Fresh Mozzarella, Sun-dried Tomatoes, Mustard, on wheat toast
General Store: Organic Peanut Butter, Honey, Banana, on whole grain bread
Rocket Joe’s: Meatballs, Marinara Sauce, Melted Mozzarella, On a hero
Crosby Connection: Chicken Pesto, Grilled Chicken, Fresh Mozzarella, Basil, Tomato, Pesto on a hero
Homemade: Canned Tuna Fish, Onions, Mayo, Fresh Ground Pepper, On Toasted Multigrain
Homemade: Nutella, Cream Cheese, Raspberry Jelly, Cinnamon Powder, On French Toast
Homemade: Fluffernutter: Peanut Butter, Marshmallow Fluff, on White Bread.
Homemade: Smoked Turkey, Lettuce, Tomato, Purple Onions, Mayo, On a Roll
May I never run out of a sandwich idea ever again.
Breakfast sandwich of the week: smoked mozzarella, roasted butternut squash, fried egg, and baby arugula tossed with a little olive oil + balsamic vinegar.
Oat Crepes: http://xobreakfast.com/post/4170610292/oat-crepes
Make your own Nutella: http://www.davidlebovitz.com/2011/02/homemade-nutella-recipe-chocolate-hazelnut-spread/
No knead bread: http://xobreakfast.com/post/3632281671/jim-laheys-no-knead-bread
Spinach Frittata: http://xobreakfast.com/post/3705668953/roasted-corn-garlic-baby-broccoli-and-spinach-frittata
French Toast Bread Pudding: http://xobreakfast.com/post/3338710020/french-toast-bread-pudding
Monkey Bread: http://xobreakfast.com/post/2763348078/monkey-bread (http://xobreakfast.com/post/2756878987/monkey-bread-in-the-making)
Creamed Spinach and Egg: http://xobreakfast.com/post/2612944024/fried-egg-with-creamed-spinach-roasted-mushrooms-and-pro
Pizza Dough: http://www.thewednesdaychef.com/the_wednesday_chef/2011/02/jamie-olivers-pizza-dough.html
Salmon Toast for Lunch: http://www.thewednesdaychef.com/the_wednesday_chef/2010/07/toast-and-a-summer-break.html
Ragu di Pesce: http://www.thewednesdaychef.com/the_wednesday_chef/2010/09/well-that-went-by-in-a-flash-didnt-it-i-hope-you-all-had-wonderful-augusts-full-of-fresh-corn-and-shooting-stars-and-mo.html
Marcella Hazan's Tomato Anchovy Sauce: http://www.thewednesdaychef.com/the_wednesday_chef/2010/10/marcella-hazans-tomato-anchovy-sauce.html
White beans with tuna and onion: http://racheleats.wordpress.com/2010/05/24/may-24th/
Each recipe is like a science experiment I'm dying to try. If only I had unlimited monetary resources, and the credibility to call myself a scientist.
http://scanwiches.com/
Homemade: Italian Sausage, Caramelized Onions, Roasted Red Peppers, On a Baguette
Homemade: Turkey, Ham, Lettuce, Tomato, Onion, Swiss, Mayo, Mustard, on Wheat Bread
Five Boro Bistro @ Google NYC: Ham, Turkey, Lettuce, Onions, Cheddar Cheese, On White Toast
Everyday Food Magazine Thanksgiving Leftover Sandwiches: Turkey, Mashed Potatoes, Cheddar, on a whole wheat bread (click here to read the article)
D&D Deli: Virginia Ham, Mixed Greens, Fresh Mozzarella, Sun-dried Tomatoes, Mustard, on wheat toast
General Store: Organic Peanut Butter, Honey, Banana, on whole grain bread
Rocket Joe’s: Meatballs, Marinara Sauce, Melted Mozzarella, On a hero
Crosby Connection: Chicken Pesto, Grilled Chicken, Fresh Mozzarella, Basil, Tomato, Pesto on a hero
Homemade: Canned Tuna Fish, Onions, Mayo, Fresh Ground Pepper, On Toasted Multigrain
Homemade: Nutella, Cream Cheese, Raspberry Jelly, Cinnamon Powder, On French Toast
Homemade: Fluffernutter: Peanut Butter, Marshmallow Fluff, on White Bread.
Homemade: Smoked Turkey, Lettuce, Tomato, Purple Onions, Mayo, On a Roll
May I never run out of a sandwich idea ever again.
Breakfast sandwich of the week: smoked mozzarella, roasted butternut squash, fried egg, and baby arugula tossed with a little olive oil + balsamic vinegar.
Oat Crepes: http://xobreakfast.com/post/4170610292/oat-crepes
Make your own Nutella: http://www.davidlebovitz.com/2011/02/homemade-nutella-recipe-chocolate-hazelnut-spread/
No knead bread: http://xobreakfast.com/post/3632281671/jim-laheys-no-knead-bread
Spinach Frittata: http://xobreakfast.com/post/3705668953/roasted-corn-garlic-baby-broccoli-and-spinach-frittata
French Toast Bread Pudding: http://xobreakfast.com/post/3338710020/french-toast-bread-pudding
Monkey Bread: http://xobreakfast.com/post/2763348078/monkey-bread (http://xobreakfast.com/post/2756878987/monkey-bread-in-the-making)
Creamed Spinach and Egg: http://xobreakfast.com/post/2612944024/fried-egg-with-creamed-spinach-roasted-mushrooms-and-pro
Pizza Dough: http://www.thewednesdaychef.com/the_wednesday_chef/2011/02/jamie-olivers-pizza-dough.html
Salmon Toast for Lunch: http://www.thewednesdaychef.com/the_wednesday_chef/2010/07/toast-and-a-summer-break.html
Ragu di Pesce: http://www.thewednesdaychef.com/the_wednesday_chef/2010/09/well-that-went-by-in-a-flash-didnt-it-i-hope-you-all-had-wonderful-augusts-full-of-fresh-corn-and-shooting-stars-and-mo.html
Marcella Hazan's Tomato Anchovy Sauce: http://www.thewednesdaychef.com/the_wednesday_chef/2010/10/marcella-hazans-tomato-anchovy-sauce.html
White beans with tuna and onion: http://racheleats.wordpress.com/2010/05/24/may-24th/
Each recipe is like a science experiment I'm dying to try. If only I had unlimited monetary resources, and the credibility to call myself a scientist.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Wheat and White Bread
I made this on Saturday with Acata and the others in the big blue house. It turned out really well, and I'm a little nervous that I might be reinforcing my carbohydrate binge, but this was a good recipe. Baking bread makes the house smell amazing.
Wheat Bread Recipe (make 2 loaves)
The Sponge
4 1/2 teaspoons active dry yeast
3/4 cup warm water
1 cup whole wheat flour
Mix the yeast and warm water and see if it merges together, signifying that it is still active. Mix in the 1 cup whole wheat flour. Cover with plastic wrap and let sit for 45 minutes, or until sponge has deflated into a concave shape.
The Dough
1 1/2 cups warm water
4 cups whole wheat flour
1 cup white flour
2 1/2 tablespoons vegetable oil1/3 cup honey
1 tablespoon salt
Optional: Add a tablespoon or two of ground flax seed or add up to 1/4 cup of ground oatmeal.
White Bread Recipe (make 2 loaves)
6 cups flour, more or less, divided
1 tablespoon sugar
2 1/2 teaspoons salt
1 envelope active dry yeast
2 cups very warm water, about 120°
2 tablespoons softened butter
Wheat Bread Recipe (make 2 loaves)
The Sponge
4 1/2 teaspoons active dry yeast
3/4 cup warm water
1 cup whole wheat flour
Mix the yeast and warm water and see if it merges together, signifying that it is still active. Mix in the 1 cup whole wheat flour. Cover with plastic wrap and let sit for 45 minutes, or until sponge has deflated into a concave shape.
The Dough
1 1/2 cups warm water
4 cups whole wheat flour
1 cup white flour
2 1/2 tablespoons vegetable oil1/3 cup honey
1 tablespoon salt
Optional: Add a tablespoon or two of ground flax seed or add up to 1/4 cup of ground oatmeal.
- Uncover the sponge and mix in 1.5 cups of water and 2 cups of whole wheat flour.
- Add 1/2 cup white flour, vegetable oil, honey and salt. Mix, then start adding the remainder flour 1/2 cup at a time until you're at 4 cups. When you're ready, put the dough onto the stable and start to knead in the remaining flour.
- Knead dough.
- Grease a non-metallic bowl and roll the dough in it for a little bit. Cover with plastic wrap and let sit in non-draft, room/warm temperature place for 1 - 1 1/2 hours, or until double in size. Poke a finger into it, and it should not refill.
- Once doubled in size, take out dough and gently squeeze out air bubbles. Flatten gently, and roll into shape and place into greased bread pan. Let rise again until double.
- Bake at 350 degrees for about 40 minutes.
White Bread Recipe (make 2 loaves)
6 cups flour, more or less, divided
1 tablespoon sugar
2 1/2 teaspoons salt
1 envelope active dry yeast
2 cups very warm water, about 120°
2 tablespoons softened butter
- Mix warm water and yeast first, as with wheat bread.
- Mix in 2 cups flour, sugar and salt.
- Add water and butter and mix.
- Add 3 1/2 cup flour in 1/2 increments and mix until ready to knead.
- Knead with remaining flour.
- Place in greased non-metallic bowl and let rise until double; poke a finger into it and it should not refill.
- Punch out air bubbles, roll into shape and place into greased bread pan. Let rise again until double.
- Bake at 400 degrees for about 25-30 minutes.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Cue The Depression
Like cuing the rain for Spring break. Although this time, it had the gall to dress itself in sheep's clothing. I figured it had something to do with taking that first step into the real world by stepping out into a relatively safe backyard pretending to have normal life style, of having roommates who seem to drink every night when I don't, and of having the recurring relationship desires when I know I'm not mature enough yet. I've been struggling over these few things lately, but when I was denied a ticket to Cirque du Soleil with my dorm the sudden negative downfall was unexpected and unrealistic. I'm definitely responding too negatively a small problem.
So why? Why, still, when I'm surrounded by a lot of good things? What about my diagnosis am I missing as I struggle to understand and heal myself? My depression doesn't control me; I do, and I have the power to control it when I'm not thinking I'm being swept away by it. The Cirque thing seems to reflect my insecurities over my new found friendships. Somehow, being told by the staff that I don't have priorities on tickets was like being told that all my friends at Kimball have turned their backs on me, that they reject me and no longer wants to spend time with me. That's why they're not letting me go on this trip, because I've been looking forward to seeing everyone again next weekend. But that's not true. I think it's entirely administrative and logistical. But the fact that I'm thrown into a fit by that email response hints at some insecurity about being forgotten, about me not being valuable enough to have a presence in their minds when I'm not physically there. It reflects on my current state of isolation because I don't feel connected to my housemates. There's currently no friendships here, and I don't feel worthy of other friends' attention when I'm not in their vicinity. Chances are likely that they're just like me, thinking about themselves right now and not about friends who are far away. These insecurities make it difficult to create new friendships and creates a negative feedback loop that I need to break.
I'm also panicking over my lack of academic focus as I'm struggling to learn new skills in human connections and self-care. My heart asks, "Why should I care about the rest of the world when taking care of myself and the people around me is already so difficult and time consuming? I could very well spend the rest of my life doing this." A major in science is my desire to help the natural world work together with the destructive human nature, and it's been the motivation behind a lot of hard work, or at least long nights. But because I throw myself so completely into what I do, focusing on the more global goals have been difficult as I struggle to understand how to connect and utilize the relationships around me to help me better understand myself, to undo all the knots I've accumulated in my life and then to give back and improve theirs. There is so much to learn, how am I going to learn it all? When I focus on one thing I drop the ball on another thing, and that sets me back some. I can't simplify my life because life cannot be simplified, and I'm too ambitious to take any less than slightly more than I can handle.
Much of the stress and anxiety has been manifesting itself through bad diet. I don't think I've eaten much more than plain carbs lately. There's cheerios for breakfast, PB&J sandwich for lunch, and pasta/noodles for dinner. I haven't had a vegetable beside basil in my spaghetti for a week! Perhaps the lack of green is throwing a kink in my physiology, but I had maxed out my money plan for the week, and then some, so I need to wait until Week 2 before I buy any more groceries. A lot of the money went into shared items like cleaning supplies and that spaghetti meal we all wanted, and I also reason that a lot of what I bought this week extends into this week and maybe even Week 3. Hopefully groceries for Week 2 will cost less, but I do need to prioritize the greens rather than the yellows. I've also been diving for the sugar because it's a cheap packet of energy, and it seems to be following me around everywhere. I bought a $0.79 Snapple can today before I realized that the one serving had a whopping 54g of sugar. That's way more than a Pepsi's ~35g. I couldn't finish it, and it was my fault for going cheap. As a result of the sugar and carbohydrate binge this past week I've added a fair amount of padding to my abdomen, and it's nice that I'm not being to harsh on myself for that. Last Christmas I read Unbearable Lightness by Portia DeGeneres, and it had some eating tips that has stuck in my mind. See, there are some things about my life I'm knowledgeable about and can control.
Speaking of friendships, there's been a girl I've been smiling at all day today. She's with the Stanford at Sea program and she has spent most of the day in the library, too. Every time she sees me she gives me a wide smile that I rather like, and we talk. It's nice to genuinely like person here. Everybody else is fine, but with each I haven't found something that clicked, and more often than not I've found something that snags. But if I had to guess, we might be on our way towards a friendship because I choose this. A little hope for the future as I work through this next step.
So why? Why, still, when I'm surrounded by a lot of good things? What about my diagnosis am I missing as I struggle to understand and heal myself? My depression doesn't control me; I do, and I have the power to control it when I'm not thinking I'm being swept away by it. The Cirque thing seems to reflect my insecurities over my new found friendships. Somehow, being told by the staff that I don't have priorities on tickets was like being told that all my friends at Kimball have turned their backs on me, that they reject me and no longer wants to spend time with me. That's why they're not letting me go on this trip, because I've been looking forward to seeing everyone again next weekend. But that's not true. I think it's entirely administrative and logistical. But the fact that I'm thrown into a fit by that email response hints at some insecurity about being forgotten, about me not being valuable enough to have a presence in their minds when I'm not physically there. It reflects on my current state of isolation because I don't feel connected to my housemates. There's currently no friendships here, and I don't feel worthy of other friends' attention when I'm not in their vicinity. Chances are likely that they're just like me, thinking about themselves right now and not about friends who are far away. These insecurities make it difficult to create new friendships and creates a negative feedback loop that I need to break.
I'm also panicking over my lack of academic focus as I'm struggling to learn new skills in human connections and self-care. My heart asks, "Why should I care about the rest of the world when taking care of myself and the people around me is already so difficult and time consuming? I could very well spend the rest of my life doing this." A major in science is my desire to help the natural world work together with the destructive human nature, and it's been the motivation behind a lot of hard work, or at least long nights. But because I throw myself so completely into what I do, focusing on the more global goals have been difficult as I struggle to understand how to connect and utilize the relationships around me to help me better understand myself, to undo all the knots I've accumulated in my life and then to give back and improve theirs. There is so much to learn, how am I going to learn it all? When I focus on one thing I drop the ball on another thing, and that sets me back some. I can't simplify my life because life cannot be simplified, and I'm too ambitious to take any less than slightly more than I can handle.
Much of the stress and anxiety has been manifesting itself through bad diet. I don't think I've eaten much more than plain carbs lately. There's cheerios for breakfast, PB&J sandwich for lunch, and pasta/noodles for dinner. I haven't had a vegetable beside basil in my spaghetti for a week! Perhaps the lack of green is throwing a kink in my physiology, but I had maxed out my money plan for the week, and then some, so I need to wait until Week 2 before I buy any more groceries. A lot of the money went into shared items like cleaning supplies and that spaghetti meal we all wanted, and I also reason that a lot of what I bought this week extends into this week and maybe even Week 3. Hopefully groceries for Week 2 will cost less, but I do need to prioritize the greens rather than the yellows. I've also been diving for the sugar because it's a cheap packet of energy, and it seems to be following me around everywhere. I bought a $0.79 Snapple can today before I realized that the one serving had a whopping 54g of sugar. That's way more than a Pepsi's ~35g. I couldn't finish it, and it was my fault for going cheap. As a result of the sugar and carbohydrate binge this past week I've added a fair amount of padding to my abdomen, and it's nice that I'm not being to harsh on myself for that. Last Christmas I read Unbearable Lightness by Portia DeGeneres, and it had some eating tips that has stuck in my mind. See, there are some things about my life I'm knowledgeable about and can control.
Speaking of friendships, there's been a girl I've been smiling at all day today. She's with the Stanford at Sea program and she has spent most of the day in the library, too. Every time she sees me she gives me a wide smile that I rather like, and we talk. It's nice to genuinely like person here. Everybody else is fine, but with each I haven't found something that clicked, and more often than not I've found something that snags. But if I had to guess, we might be on our way towards a friendship because I choose this. A little hope for the future as I work through this next step.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Thinking Underage
The internet here is not as great as the internet on campus, but at least I have internet, so no complaints. Here are some songs I've been addicted to the last few days. I love that I can build custom play lists with Grooveshark and share it here without having to save it. Maybe the songs won't get deleted as easily as Youtube? In any case, I'll include the set list.
1. Happy Ending by Mika
2. Thinking Underage by Teddy Geiger
3. Divenire by Ludovico Einaudi
4. The Story by Sara Ramirez
5. I Think It's Going To Rain Today by Katie Melua
6. Belfast by Katie Melua
3. Divenire by Ludovico Einaudi
4. The Story by Sara Ramirez
5. I Think It's Going To Rain Today by Katie Melua
6. Belfast by Katie Melua
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Olivia Wilde
I have such a weakness for cute, beautiful girls. Like Olivia Wilde (Twitter). I don't usually check out celebrities on Twitter, but she has some song recommendations that I want to check out, later.
I'm so enamored! She seems perfect in every way. Sometimes beautiful, sometimes sexy, sometimes both. Very intelligent, and always stunning.
How does she exist? Married to an Italian prince at that. And she glows. I'm super enamored.
She reminds me of A.O. It's the cheekbones and eyebrows.
Also, if Sigourney Weaver and Olivia Wilde ever had a child, it would be Summer Glau.
(the Sigourney parts come in the smile and side profile)
Someday, I want a signed, full-size poster of every woman I've ever blogged about decorating the walls of my home in a way where each lady commands her own space on the wall, as in a museum. It could be epic, and so queer.
Anyway, I'm just girl crazy. I'm doing my reading, I swear!
I'm so enamored! She seems perfect in every way. Sometimes beautiful, sometimes sexy, sometimes both. Very intelligent, and always stunning.
 |
| All images via Olivia-Wilde.org |
She reminds me of A.O. It's the cheekbones and eyebrows.
Also, if Sigourney Weaver and Olivia Wilde ever had a child, it would be Summer Glau.
 |
| via Summer-Glau.net |
Someday, I want a signed, full-size poster of every woman I've ever blogged about decorating the walls of my home in a way where each lady commands her own space on the wall, as in a museum. It could be epic, and so queer.
Anyway, I'm just girl crazy. I'm doing my reading, I swear!
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
I want you here with me
Sigh. My brain refuses to read. It's awake, I slept, but work is just a no-go right now. Instead, my mind is fill with awe in light of recent human connections and experiences, feelings that make my close my eyes, turn my face into the fresh sea air and breathe in deeply.
Sunday night I loved a girl's heart when we stayed up all night sharing our childhood stories, connecting over our pains and insecurities, our tears and heartbreaks. She doesn't love women, but the flavor of female attraction has always differed from male, and I know this attraction is female but without the desire for possession or unrequited love. Let's dare to push the boundaries of friendship beyond friendliness to loveship. I think she has been hurt too much, yet still she cares so deeply, that I want to be an unwavering source of love in her life. I want to make her laugh, and listen close when she hurts. Isn't it terrible when the world creates an individual so filled with love and excitement that every man who comes across her believes she loves him and demands more? There is still a person out there who will love me unconditionally as I will love her, but I want to hold this girl close to my heart and never let her go as we both navigate the paths of our lives. But I have to be careful. I have to make sure she doesn't misunderstand and think that I am chasing her, too.
Somewhere during the end of Winter quarter the lock on my heart started to unlock. It seems to be a collective effort of the community around me, because suddenly I am yearning for more people than I can count on my fingers. I've become accustomed to the ache for high school and middle school friends, but missing college friends is new. So I'm filled with all this strange emotions that are all good, but yearning good, bittersweet and nostalgic. It's slightly uncomfortable in the good way, like reaching an orgasm, all the squirming and lack of breath you go through before reaching the explosion that makes you feel good. But the orgasm has to be delayed for another time. Is this how people become tied down to one place? These bonds of love and friendship feels strong, and it hurts when I'm far away from those I care about that it becomes difficult to focus on the place I am now, difficult to focus on the classes that I need to pass. How do I take all these people with me when I'm not done exploring their hearts?
Right now I tell myself that my brain is rebelling from not having an actual spring break, so it's taking a few days off to dream and feel and love the world before we go underground again to the world of little sleep, tons of work and struggle for validity. All these sensitive emotions will go away and my brain will harden itself for the grind again soon. But...I've felt the embrace of love within my community, and I want to keep it here always. Currently it's difficult to feel the same love from my housemates, since we all seem to be very reserved and independent. It's hard to repress my neediness.
Ahhhh. The only thing I can think of to quell this loneliness is the soulful music of Katie Melua, chocolate, and a birthday dinner with my new house mates. So much for productivity. Now I'm just moping and feeling homesick.
Sunday night I loved a girl's heart when we stayed up all night sharing our childhood stories, connecting over our pains and insecurities, our tears and heartbreaks. She doesn't love women, but the flavor of female attraction has always differed from male, and I know this attraction is female but without the desire for possession or unrequited love. Let's dare to push the boundaries of friendship beyond friendliness to loveship. I think she has been hurt too much, yet still she cares so deeply, that I want to be an unwavering source of love in her life. I want to make her laugh, and listen close when she hurts. Isn't it terrible when the world creates an individual so filled with love and excitement that every man who comes across her believes she loves him and demands more? There is still a person out there who will love me unconditionally as I will love her, but I want to hold this girl close to my heart and never let her go as we both navigate the paths of our lives. But I have to be careful. I have to make sure she doesn't misunderstand and think that I am chasing her, too.
Somewhere during the end of Winter quarter the lock on my heart started to unlock. It seems to be a collective effort of the community around me, because suddenly I am yearning for more people than I can count on my fingers. I've become accustomed to the ache for high school and middle school friends, but missing college friends is new. So I'm filled with all this strange emotions that are all good, but yearning good, bittersweet and nostalgic. It's slightly uncomfortable in the good way, like reaching an orgasm, all the squirming and lack of breath you go through before reaching the explosion that makes you feel good. But the orgasm has to be delayed for another time. Is this how people become tied down to one place? These bonds of love and friendship feels strong, and it hurts when I'm far away from those I care about that it becomes difficult to focus on the place I am now, difficult to focus on the classes that I need to pass. How do I take all these people with me when I'm not done exploring their hearts?
Right now I tell myself that my brain is rebelling from not having an actual spring break, so it's taking a few days off to dream and feel and love the world before we go underground again to the world of little sleep, tons of work and struggle for validity. All these sensitive emotions will go away and my brain will harden itself for the grind again soon. But...I've felt the embrace of love within my community, and I want to keep it here always. Currently it's difficult to feel the same love from my housemates, since we all seem to be very reserved and independent. It's hard to repress my neediness.
Ahhhh. The only thing I can think of to quell this loneliness is the soulful music of Katie Melua, chocolate, and a birthday dinner with my new house mates. So much for productivity. Now I'm just moping and feeling homesick.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Bloom
Like an artist by =JellyVampire on deviantART
And speaking of blooming, the Felishorn team, spearheaded by One Winged Angel, recently hosted a Hanami celebration to honor Japan in recent light of the disastrous earthquake. I was taken by surprise, and so touched that they were able to come up with something so sensitive and relevant to the times, and to have held such a successful event. Using Felishorns to bring meaning to the world is something I dream of, and strive for with varying success. I have been so proud of the Felishorn team lately, and this event has only reminded me of the impact we can have on our community when we work hard at what we love, and when we work together. Here are snippets of the thread.
Hello everyone, and welcome to the Felishorns Hanami event! The Hanami is the ancient Japanese tradition of admiring flowers and celebrating their beauty along with the renewal of spring. From the end of March to early May, thousands of people gather to view many types of flowering trees, the most popular and well known being the Sakura, or cherry blossom. It is a cause of celebration for the people of Japan, who gather to have parties beneath the bows of the Sakura, enjoying them both during the day and at night. In the evening, the eldritch beauty of the trees is enjoyed by the light of paper lanterns strung along their branches, illuminating the delicate flowers.
It is a time of friends, family, feasting, and above all, enjoying the brief yet beautiful appearance of the Sakura. To celebrate, I have many games and prizes for you all, so I hope you will join me in our own version of the Hanami!
~OWA
You are a traveler in modern day Japan, wandering along its streets during early spring in the hopes of joining in on the Hanami celebration you have heard so much about. So far you have seen many interesting things during your journey, however you cannot resist the lure of the delicate flowers, or the promise of the parties which are sure to have banquets of traditional food, new people to talk to, and music.
As you leave the city streets and turn onto a bricked path which leads you to the calm, quiet green of a park by a river, you catch sight of something out of the corner of your eye. Turning, you tilt your head as you watch a pale, delicate blossom drift to the ground. Sakura? But you haven't even reached the party yet...perhaps it has drifted on the wind across the river? Yet the thought is quickly brought to an abrupt halt as you look up and find that the park you entered before, has changed. Elegant trees arch above you, their gnarled branches laden with clouds of soft pink and white blossoms. A subtle, warm wind shakes their bows, bringing down gentle drifts of petals which gather at the base of the trees like snow. Suddenly, the blossoms seem to rise again, stirred by the force of a wind which you cannot feel, but which carries with it the sharp scent of spring rain and earth. As the petals slowly settle, something seems to be taking form out of the Sakura itself. Transparent at first, slowly gaining solidity, a female felishorn steps out from between the dark trunks, her coat blending in with the scenery. You are uncertain as to weather she is real or not, yet like the proverbial Cheshire cat, you are drawn to a pair of pink eyes which watch you from the shadows, and a gently smiling mouth. She does not speak, merely beacons you with her eyes as she turns, bounding along the narrow dirt path towards the soft glow of lantern light. Shapes move through the trees here, men and women dressed in kimonos, but you cannot be certain if they are human.
Have you just encountered one of the legendary Yokai...?
You follow her never the less, hoping that the encounter will be prosperous rather than troublesome...
I would like to say, now that I have gone into the details of the event, that when I came up with the idea for celebrating the Hanami festival through the Felishorns I never expected that a rather somber shadow would be cast upon it. In light of the recent tragedy which befell Japan earlier this month, I feel that the event itself has taken on a double meaning-it is now in a certain sense, a way for me to pay tribute to those whose lives were taken by a disaster which has devastated this historically rich and beautiful country. In Japan, the Sakura has come to symbolize, among many things, transience- in other words our humanity, our mortality. Because the trees bear flowers for only a brief time each year, the delicate blossoms have come to serve as a reminder of the fragility of life. This disaster has proven once again the Sakura's lesson to be true. Life is brief, life is fleeting-it can be washed away in an instant.
But the Sakura has a second meaning, one which also holds true- Hope. Because the blossoms will always return each year, they mark the arrival of new beginnings. They remind us to find the strength to look ahead, towards the future. And while the past cannot be forgotten, and there are many hearts left heavy with sorrow, Japan has hope. For those survivors who are left behind, many countries around the world have gathered together to provide assistance. Hopefully, in time, though the aftermath of this disaster still plagues them, Japan and its people will find the peace they need to heal.
Look at this beautiful art. I couldn't be any prouder, and more astounded.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Submergence
The last week or so...Oh man, life has moved faster than I can comprehend, and within the midst of that whirlwind I'm struggling to study for finals. But in my mind there is a wall blocking any academic thought. I still have Evolutionary Paleobiology and Bio42 today and tomorrow (as I write I'm frantically trying to figure out where my Bio136 final is, and crossing all fingers that it will be from 7pm-10pm tonight rather than some other time which has escaped my notice.) A lot of things escape my notice when my mind is wrapped around something, because I have this tendency to completely submerge myself in a thought until things have been wrestled to the mental ground.
A few weeks ago that thought was the evolution and dispersal of New Zealand's freshwater crayfish, Paranephops. I fear that project had so entirely consumed me that the amount of time I missed on Physics was irreplaceable. I may have gotten a 30% on that final, and my only salvation is hope that the rest of the class struggled equally, because that was a difficult final. I got to walk away with a Eureka moment when I thought I solved one of the last problems within the last five minutes. But this doesn't reflect how badly I did on the rest of that packet.
My mind and heart are not in testing this week - perhaps the worst possible week to not want to test - because they are centered around a girl. Naturally; what did you expect? She's a neighbor in the dorm, and I'm stupid enough to notice her only when it dawns upon me and everyone around me that I'm leaving campus for nine months. There was something too friendly in the way she teases me about missing her over the dinner table that made me want to find out more, so I took to hanging around and being friendly. Really friendly, more than I normally am, and it's such a miraculous step because I never take to talking with the girls I like, or even to make a friend. Here I quote a good friend of mine: "Making friends with you is like a cataclysmic event: all the pieces have to click together at just the right moment for you to make that connection." It's miraculous I have the friends I do now, really. I'm not sure what's been going through my head with her for the last two quarters. I only remember liking the way she dressed when we saw each other at hall meetings and finding her to be terribly exotic with her Indian heritage and as a classical violinist. Then I find out that she play sports like a tomboy, loves Michael Jackson, dances Bollywood and likes hip hop music too, in contrast to her classicism. She also has this wonderfully loud, free laugh that doesn't strive for composure, and really soft hair. Somehow we got to defending each other in public, standing up for one another when other people - usually male - teases one of us. Throughout all this, it becomes increasingly difficult to focus on the hard, cold subjects like paleontology or molecular biology since all I want to do is bathe myself in estrogen and grow my heart (bathed in androgens, fetal scrotum will develop male secondary characteristics).
Last night during study break I danced a little bit with everyone then settled myself on her shoulder. I've been working up to a level of physical comfort I share with my close friends from home. We would hold each other and share our affections while they tell me about their boy troubles and I would do my best to reassure them that they are smart, beautiful and independent women regardless of whatever happens. I miss that physical closeness that is entirely innocent and non-sexual, and lately my body craves physical contact. It had somehow gotten to a point where I wanted to ask friends to squeeze my ribs so that I could breathe easier. So when I leaned my head on her shoulder, as I do with men and women, and she puts an arm around me and keeps it there, I was happy. A gay male friend who knows about my little crush brushed by and winked at me. But for that moment, that closeness with another human being, was more than I could have asked for.
I'm not sure what happened next wasn't a mistake on my part. It was 11pm, and I became agitated recognizing all the time I've lost, and remembering how close together my last two finals were. I wouldn't have much time to study in-between, not if I want to rest up. So I turned my head and kissed her wrist while it was still there on my shoulder, took it off with my hand and, realizing that I took too long to disentangled myself, kissed her wrist again more formally before letting go and running off. Smooth, real smooth.
I'm not sure why that happened the way it did. I think I wanted to push our physical relationship a little farther with lips on skin, but what was meant to be a brief light touch of affection accidentally lingered too long. In my mind I've agreed to be her friend, seeing how far our relationship has come within the short week, but, unbeknownst to me, my heart wants more. I thought it had settled for friendship, too. It's so confusing to my being when a person of desire is friendly in return, and right now I feel such a miscommunication between all my parts that I just want to run away from my studies and watch Glee. Or micro-analyze this with one of my girl friends.
I'm disappointed in the state of my academics, but can I say that I'm also very proud? My parents never said that to me (it's implicit, in my household/culture, so they don't have to take the trouble and I'll have to assume they do) so I've been taking to saying it to myself. There is something about biogeography that I've grabbed onto with a quiet passion, and I can't help but smile at how obsessed I was over my term paper. I read everything I could find on my topic, and then some, branching out looking for new ways of analyzing something that has probably been analyzed to death, seeking out answers without being able to obtain my own data. It was the last thing on my mind before sleep, and the first thing when I woke: how do I compromise what is known about NZ crayfish's genome, physiology and previous evolutionary research with NZ's tectonic movements and historical geographic events? How can I do this without restating other thinkers' conclusions? (Every time I came up with a new idea, I keep finding a reiteration of it in a paper I had already read, so it was difficult to know which were my ideas and which were subconsciously planted by another's words.) How might evolution on this very special, very dynamic, very large island differ from continents and other islands? I would ponder this and try to thrash out the organization of my paper while pacing my room, pacing the bathroom while brushing my teeth, or walking to and fro to get more water. I only lingered over meals to give myself a mental break, but otherwise it was work work work work wherever I happened to be. I wrote at my desk, in my bed, in my rocking chair, in the computer cluster, on my walls and on my lecture notes. I had pinned up maps and changed my screensaver to an animation of NZ's tectonic drift, which turned on in a mere 1 minute of inactivity. It was entirely engrossing and encompassing, because that's how I do everything in life.
It may have something to do with growing up artistically minded rather than academically minded. Sure, I got mostly straight A's in high school, but throughout that journey I had also let myself grow as an eccentric, spacey intellectual rather than training myself to be a test-taker. As a result, my SAT scores were low but people still regarded me as an intellectual because of all these ideas that came out of my head. I am gifted with a crazy amount of creativity, and I love, love, love projects but I hate tests. So this week I have been entirely engrossed in building a relationship with this Indian girl, and because my mind is so project orientated it's difficult to get off this until I've completed it. In this case, that's not possible. There's no impulse control; I am entirely consumed by what I do or how I feel at every moment. I'm envious of the queer theorists who get to write papers for their finals, or even the classical violinists who write music theory. All I can do now is pray I'll get through my classes with a good enough grade, pray that I won't have to repeat Bio42 as I will for Bio41, and beg for a time in my life when the value of my career is judged on what I do on a regular day-to-day basis rather than a 3 hour exam period.
A few weeks ago that thought was the evolution and dispersal of New Zealand's freshwater crayfish, Paranephops. I fear that project had so entirely consumed me that the amount of time I missed on Physics was irreplaceable. I may have gotten a 30% on that final, and my only salvation is hope that the rest of the class struggled equally, because that was a difficult final. I got to walk away with a Eureka moment when I thought I solved one of the last problems within the last five minutes. But this doesn't reflect how badly I did on the rest of that packet.
My mind and heart are not in testing this week - perhaps the worst possible week to not want to test - because they are centered around a girl. Naturally; what did you expect? She's a neighbor in the dorm, and I'm stupid enough to notice her only when it dawns upon me and everyone around me that I'm leaving campus for nine months. There was something too friendly in the way she teases me about missing her over the dinner table that made me want to find out more, so I took to hanging around and being friendly. Really friendly, more than I normally am, and it's such a miraculous step because I never take to talking with the girls I like, or even to make a friend. Here I quote a good friend of mine: "Making friends with you is like a cataclysmic event: all the pieces have to click together at just the right moment for you to make that connection." It's miraculous I have the friends I do now, really. I'm not sure what's been going through my head with her for the last two quarters. I only remember liking the way she dressed when we saw each other at hall meetings and finding her to be terribly exotic with her Indian heritage and as a classical violinist. Then I find out that she play sports like a tomboy, loves Michael Jackson, dances Bollywood and likes hip hop music too, in contrast to her classicism. She also has this wonderfully loud, free laugh that doesn't strive for composure, and really soft hair. Somehow we got to defending each other in public, standing up for one another when other people - usually male - teases one of us. Throughout all this, it becomes increasingly difficult to focus on the hard, cold subjects like paleontology or molecular biology since all I want to do is bathe myself in estrogen and grow my heart (bathed in androgens, fetal scrotum will develop male secondary characteristics).
Last night during study break I danced a little bit with everyone then settled myself on her shoulder. I've been working up to a level of physical comfort I share with my close friends from home. We would hold each other and share our affections while they tell me about their boy troubles and I would do my best to reassure them that they are smart, beautiful and independent women regardless of whatever happens. I miss that physical closeness that is entirely innocent and non-sexual, and lately my body craves physical contact. It had somehow gotten to a point where I wanted to ask friends to squeeze my ribs so that I could breathe easier. So when I leaned my head on her shoulder, as I do with men and women, and she puts an arm around me and keeps it there, I was happy. A gay male friend who knows about my little crush brushed by and winked at me. But for that moment, that closeness with another human being, was more than I could have asked for.
I'm not sure what happened next wasn't a mistake on my part. It was 11pm, and I became agitated recognizing all the time I've lost, and remembering how close together my last two finals were. I wouldn't have much time to study in-between, not if I want to rest up. So I turned my head and kissed her wrist while it was still there on my shoulder, took it off with my hand and, realizing that I took too long to disentangled myself, kissed her wrist again more formally before letting go and running off. Smooth, real smooth.
I'm not sure why that happened the way it did. I think I wanted to push our physical relationship a little farther with lips on skin, but what was meant to be a brief light touch of affection accidentally lingered too long. In my mind I've agreed to be her friend, seeing how far our relationship has come within the short week, but, unbeknownst to me, my heart wants more. I thought it had settled for friendship, too. It's so confusing to my being when a person of desire is friendly in return, and right now I feel such a miscommunication between all my parts that I just want to run away from my studies and watch Glee. Or micro-analyze this with one of my girl friends.
I'm disappointed in the state of my academics, but can I say that I'm also very proud? My parents never said that to me (it's implicit, in my household/culture, so they don't have to take the trouble and I'll have to assume they do) so I've been taking to saying it to myself. There is something about biogeography that I've grabbed onto with a quiet passion, and I can't help but smile at how obsessed I was over my term paper. I read everything I could find on my topic, and then some, branching out looking for new ways of analyzing something that has probably been analyzed to death, seeking out answers without being able to obtain my own data. It was the last thing on my mind before sleep, and the first thing when I woke: how do I compromise what is known about NZ crayfish's genome, physiology and previous evolutionary research with NZ's tectonic movements and historical geographic events? How can I do this without restating other thinkers' conclusions? (Every time I came up with a new idea, I keep finding a reiteration of it in a paper I had already read, so it was difficult to know which were my ideas and which were subconsciously planted by another's words.) How might evolution on this very special, very dynamic, very large island differ from continents and other islands? I would ponder this and try to thrash out the organization of my paper while pacing my room, pacing the bathroom while brushing my teeth, or walking to and fro to get more water. I only lingered over meals to give myself a mental break, but otherwise it was work work work work wherever I happened to be. I wrote at my desk, in my bed, in my rocking chair, in the computer cluster, on my walls and on my lecture notes. I had pinned up maps and changed my screensaver to an animation of NZ's tectonic drift, which turned on in a mere 1 minute of inactivity. It was entirely engrossing and encompassing, because that's how I do everything in life.
It may have something to do with growing up artistically minded rather than academically minded. Sure, I got mostly straight A's in high school, but throughout that journey I had also let myself grow as an eccentric, spacey intellectual rather than training myself to be a test-taker. As a result, my SAT scores were low but people still regarded me as an intellectual because of all these ideas that came out of my head. I am gifted with a crazy amount of creativity, and I love, love, love projects but I hate tests. So this week I have been entirely engrossed in building a relationship with this Indian girl, and because my mind is so project orientated it's difficult to get off this until I've completed it. In this case, that's not possible. There's no impulse control; I am entirely consumed by what I do or how I feel at every moment. I'm envious of the queer theorists who get to write papers for their finals, or even the classical violinists who write music theory. All I can do now is pray I'll get through my classes with a good enough grade, pray that I won't have to repeat Bio42 as I will for Bio41, and beg for a time in my life when the value of my career is judged on what I do on a regular day-to-day basis rather than a 3 hour exam period.
Monday, March 7, 2011
The Case for Falling in Love
http://mariruti.com/love.html
Hear her speak today at the WCC. It's a progressive self-help book for straight women, but there are plenty of universal themes in the second half, when she gets through bashing other parochial materials on the subject of pursuing relationships. I should pick this up during a break because it is a good merge between mainstream and academic discussion of a very mainstream topic, and she might have other works of personal interest in academic. My favorite part about the talk is that she is a straight, middle-upper class white woman who has taught graduate queer theory at Harvard. Hurrah for competence and plurality.
Now to catch up on 2 weeks of physics. Hurrah for incompetence.
Hear her speak today at the WCC. It's a progressive self-help book for straight women, but there are plenty of universal themes in the second half, when she gets through bashing other parochial materials on the subject of pursuing relationships. I should pick this up during a break because it is a good merge between mainstream and academic discussion of a very mainstream topic, and she might have other works of personal interest in academic. My favorite part about the talk is that she is a straight, middle-upper class white woman who has taught graduate queer theory at Harvard. Hurrah for competence and plurality.
Now to catch up on 2 weeks of physics. Hurrah for incompetence.
Tron: Legacy (2009)
As empowering as watching Tron: Legacy is tonight at Flicks, technological glitter always leaves me with this agitated need to immerse myself in the digital world. Most of the time I'm pretty organic: flowery designs on my wall, wood, cardboard and cloth rather than metallic, muted colors intersperse with vibrancy rather than neon glow. But I have to admit I find myself undeniably ecstatic over gadgets in Iron Man, Star Trek and now Tron: Legacy. The most exciting part about it is that if I choose to, I can enter the world and start making my way to the top in it right here, right now. There are classes to take, and innumerable resources online. The great thing about computer science is that it is absolutely accessible to any and all, and free has always been my ring tone (it's actually always on vibrate, so free in sound bytes). The thrill of creating everything from nothing gives me such an adrenaline rush. Eventually the software bytes become limited by hardware, but those are only fences when the real obstacles are within the logic of the code.
I had an idea for an art project afterwards, intended for a spacial design rather than a maneuverable. Two versions:
a) Design a relevant code/hardware, something meaningful, entire entirely new and complex or found in existing technology, preferably something we depend on but most doesn't know how the complexity of its design.
b) Re-create code/hardware in replacement of each object for that respective part of the room. A TV hardware/software blue print as the centerpiece, computer designs on walls around work tables.
The design should not be duplication of the hardware piece built. Rather, it reflects the logic of the program: if using my Kit Generator code, I would start at one point, branch out continuously with some short-ends, to be collected together again at the base when all the closing brackets are called to finish each function. The reasoning is logic embedded within logic with all thought neatly tied and finished despite their convoluted mapping, a concept I haven't really been exposed to extensively before (and my experience still hasn't reached 'extensively'). It reflects the spirit and the intelligence of the design rather than mimic the physical format itself. Be reminded of Stark's father's map of a future city, which became the map of a brand new element.
The execution should be as calculated and meticulous as possible, reflecting the integrity of machines. Plenty of stencils, metrics, and geometry (straight lights and concentric circles). It may be appropriate in some places to lose the grid-like structure of thought and create a more organic function in reflection of chaos that inevitably lingers at the edges of our creations; in which case, it's best if the center of the piece is as mathematical as possible, re-creating the human effort to create order within a world of entropy. The work should fill a space, so position on the wall should be carefully decided, and best if the design incorporated roof, ceiling, and all walls. When the art encounters a true technology, it's best if the two interacted and became one. Cover windows and hide organics. Glow-in-the-dark paint may be used, or black lighting, but be careful about garnish tainting the 'cleanliness' of perfection that programmers strive for.
It's nice to define my more artistic ideas here where I can revisit later if I have time. Now I really want to take CS106A.
Gratuitous pictures after the cut because oh dear God do I want to pee my pants. The official sites for these movies are also quite a sensational experience, but their URL won't last with time, so I won't post. Films are Iron Man, Star Trek, Tron and Fractale, a new futuristic anime keeping me company. Also, Hulu's got the entire Digimon Tamer series! Guess what I'll be doing over spring break.
I had an idea for an art project afterwards, intended for a spacial design rather than a maneuverable. Two versions:
a) Design a relevant code/hardware, something meaningful, entire entirely new and complex or found in existing technology, preferably something we depend on but most doesn't know how the complexity of its design.
b) Re-create code/hardware in replacement of each object for that respective part of the room. A TV hardware/software blue print as the centerpiece, computer designs on walls around work tables.
The design should not be duplication of the hardware piece built. Rather, it reflects the logic of the program: if using my Kit Generator code, I would start at one point, branch out continuously with some short-ends, to be collected together again at the base when all the closing brackets are called to finish each function. The reasoning is logic embedded within logic with all thought neatly tied and finished despite their convoluted mapping, a concept I haven't really been exposed to extensively before (and my experience still hasn't reached 'extensively'). It reflects the spirit and the intelligence of the design rather than mimic the physical format itself. Be reminded of Stark's father's map of a future city, which became the map of a brand new element.
The execution should be as calculated and meticulous as possible, reflecting the integrity of machines. Plenty of stencils, metrics, and geometry (straight lights and concentric circles). It may be appropriate in some places to lose the grid-like structure of thought and create a more organic function in reflection of chaos that inevitably lingers at the edges of our creations; in which case, it's best if the center of the piece is as mathematical as possible, re-creating the human effort to create order within a world of entropy. The work should fill a space, so position on the wall should be carefully decided, and best if the design incorporated roof, ceiling, and all walls. When the art encounters a true technology, it's best if the two interacted and became one. Cover windows and hide organics. Glow-in-the-dark paint may be used, or black lighting, but be careful about garnish tainting the 'cleanliness' of perfection that programmers strive for.
It's nice to define my more artistic ideas here where I can revisit later if I have time. Now I really want to take CS106A.
Gratuitous pictures after the cut because oh dear God do I want to pee my pants. The official sites for these movies are also quite a sensational experience, but their URL won't last with time, so I won't post. Films are Iron Man, Star Trek, Tron and Fractale, a new futuristic anime keeping me company. Also, Hulu's got the entire Digimon Tamer series! Guess what I'll be doing over spring break.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Boys Don't Cry (1999)
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| Via Hilary Swank Fan. |
The room was so sad and quiet after the movie ended. I looked around and wanted to say, "Don't be sad. People die every day for lesser things. He died being true to himself, and gave us a message to carry on. Let's be as brave as he was, and fight." But I wasn't sure if I would have sounded like an insensitive dick, so I thanked the host for hosting, said goodnight to the room at large (I think I got a response from everyone because no one had anything to say to break the silence otherwise), and biked through the rain home. Maybe it's better to let people seep in the sadness and tragedy. Let it move them, and remind them that one of the hardest things to do is being true to yourself. Although I think they were seeping sadness against the anger of the homophobic community. I don't want to be angry at homophobic people; I don't want to hate them. I want to understand why they're so afraid of people like me, because no one should have to be afraid.
This makes me remember why I buzzed my head the first time, in the privacy of my friend's backyard. It was later shaved in San Francisco, and that's when people started making such a big deal out of it because they compared it to my buzzed hair before. But when I did it for the first time, it was because I wanted people to be open to the idea of 'different'. People get so used to who they think you are that there's usually a response when you change. There are certain changes which are considered good, like maturing into a beautiful young woman who might be the object of men's desires. But there are other changes that people hush up about, like changing your sex. It's not that I prefer short or long hair either way, but it's the idea change that I want people to get used to. Sometime there is such a set image prescribed by society ingrained within us some childhood of what a person should look like, sometimes with regards to who they are and sometimes not. Maybe I'm in some transitional state where I am changing inside and therefore its a relief to change outside as well, and maybe one day I'll settle into one of the prescribed social norms of appearance, but right now I really think it shouldn't be such a big deal if a girl grows her hair then cuts it short.
Plus, I realized that many people here won't see me for 9 months. Let's have a big change now, then be 'changed' again when we see each other next winter.
Marion Cotillard
Well, my laptop started spazz-tically twitching and then crashed, which just means I take a little time off to enjoy the refined beauty that is Marion Cottilard in the computer cluster.
Mmm.
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| Via Dorothy Surrenders. |
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Fredagsbarn (Friday’s Child) (Tom Kietz, 2010)
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| Via Ann Arbor Film Festival. |
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| 25th BFI London Lesbian & Gay Film Festival |
LGBT Short Films Festival. I want to see.
I also want to go to LGBT conventions.
Pretty Red Dress
Skipping class today to work on my paper. I looked outside this morning and it was so gray and depressing, and I was perfectly happy in bed, so there I stayed. I know, I've been pampering myself too much lately. Six to seven hours of sleep every day? What is this madness?
Also, procrastination.
Oh Bieber. I like you so much more now that you have a gorgeous red-dressed lady on your arms. Thank God he's not shaking his hair and looking like a jerk anymore. You know, he actually may be maturing. Catch how he holds himself on Ellen.
See, no swaggering involve, right? And much better haircut, thank you very much.
And let's not have a Justin Bieber post without some lesbians in it, too. Extra points if they're Aussies.
Let me love the idea that these women are in long-term, steady relationships. Please let the plot follow this rather than a string of hook-ups, almost-marriages, smoking-sex-alcohol (SSA).
Also, procrastination.
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| Via MailOnline. |
See, no swaggering involve, right? And much better haircut, thank you very much.
And let's not have a Justin Bieber post without some lesbians in it, too. Extra points if they're Aussies.
Let me love the idea that these women are in long-term, steady relationships. Please let the plot follow this rather than a string of hook-ups, almost-marriages, smoking-sex-alcohol (SSA).
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Remember that summer love?
Oh hi there, Legend of the Seeker. It's you or NZ's tectonic drift...
Ugh. FOR THE LOVE OF WOMEN.
I've also had the strangest sleep cycle ever. 7pm-12am Friday night/Saturday morning. 9am-12pm Saturday. Wonder when I'm going to bed tonight. I envy people who can spend their time efficiently. Why am I unable to do so? Wah.
By the way, Bridget Regan had a baby December 28, 2010. Who knew! Both baby girl Frankie Jean and mom are happy, healthy, and lovely. I couldn't be more thrilled for her. It's nice to see an actor with talent in performing, producing, and living. Way to go for being well-rounded!
Oh, let's not forget:
I kinda love it when strong women love.
Ugh. FOR THE LOVE OF WOMEN.
I've also had the strangest sleep cycle ever. 7pm-12am Friday night/Saturday morning. 9am-12pm Saturday. Wonder when I'm going to bed tonight. I envy people who can spend their time efficiently. Why am I unable to do so? Wah.
By the way, Bridget Regan had a baby December 28, 2010. Who knew! Both baby girl Frankie Jean and mom are happy, healthy, and lovely. I couldn't be more thrilled for her. It's nice to see an actor with talent in performing, producing, and living. Way to go for being well-rounded!
Oh, let's not forget:
I kinda love it when strong women love.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
A Sad Poem
I'm tackling my first ecology paper. It's for my evolutionary paleontology class, but the material is along the lines of what I want to pursue as a major - it's not molecular science. But as I sit down to read through the papers relevant to my topic, I find it difficult to think critically. I find it difficult to think as a scientist and synthesize something novel rather than memorize facts. Without my knowledge, I've been training for the past 4 quarters to be a test-taker in my chemistry and biology classes. I've been training my mind to think as an engineer - here is a problem, let's find a solution. Or, I have been thinking about love, honor, bravery and the antiquity of classics for SLE. Perhaps I have been thinking this way my entire life, since I can't trust my high school to have challenged me any differently. Neither of trains of thought make me ready to write this paper, and this frustrates me. Realizing that I don't know how to think in my field threatens me.
Sometimes, I catch myself by surprise and look into my brain to see what my thoughts were for that moment, and I'm disappointed to usually find nothing. Sometimes, I can feel the air rattling around my skull. Sometimes, I catch myself thinking about myself - entirely narcissistic. When I look back at my creative efforts, I'm most proud of my personal essays, many of which so clearly reveals my self-understanding, or my technical inventions, some of which I like to think outmatch others with the same level of experience. But to be a higher thinker who might some day join the ranks of professional scientists and philosophers? I'm so grounded in myself that throughout my life I have built a golden heart (if I would ever boast about anything, it would be that I have a heart which genuinely cares) but a bronze brain. There is nothing critical or analytical about it. Frankly put, I feel dumb.
I'm not just comparing myself to my professor who has had 30 years of thinking experience on me. I'm comparing myself to my peers, too, whose ability to question the world around them and then to offer analysis is astounding. I wish I could do that. I wish I could offer an analysis on something more scientific than the beauty of women and the validity of art, both of which comes from depths of great feelings.
Let's all write a sad poem in our journals and move on.
Sometimes, I catch myself by surprise and look into my brain to see what my thoughts were for that moment, and I'm disappointed to usually find nothing. Sometimes, I can feel the air rattling around my skull. Sometimes, I catch myself thinking about myself - entirely narcissistic. When I look back at my creative efforts, I'm most proud of my personal essays, many of which so clearly reveals my self-understanding, or my technical inventions, some of which I like to think outmatch others with the same level of experience. But to be a higher thinker who might some day join the ranks of professional scientists and philosophers? I'm so grounded in myself that throughout my life I have built a golden heart (if I would ever boast about anything, it would be that I have a heart which genuinely cares) but a bronze brain. There is nothing critical or analytical about it. Frankly put, I feel dumb.
I'm not just comparing myself to my professor who has had 30 years of thinking experience on me. I'm comparing myself to my peers, too, whose ability to question the world around them and then to offer analysis is astounding. I wish I could do that. I wish I could offer an analysis on something more scientific than the beauty of women and the validity of art, both of which comes from depths of great feelings.
Let's all write a sad poem in our journals and move on.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Beautiful Distractions
Yes yes, I know I haven't written in a while. I had more or less moved temporarily to Facebook postings, mostly because I wanted the recognition and response from the public whenever I posted something that so, "expresses myself." In any case, there are things not to be shared, and even I have to censor myself sometimes in public settings. Rarely, mind you, but I do.
This is a three day weekend, and I had somehow slept 14 hours. Thank goodness for that. Now I'm desperately trying to piece together a new outline/draft of my evo-paleo paper, and forced to bash my brain against the table and gaze at beautiful lesbians while I'm at it. Very difficult to concentrate, very difficult to make any headway at all, and very distressing and blissfully painful.
I mean really, here's a sample of what I mean.
The series is much more graphic than this - it's rated NC-17, so full frontal, kinky sex between any and all sexes in generally violent situations. Basically TV porn. They never should have let me get my hands on it. I don't appreciate the violence so am basically watching for Gia and Lucrettia. But now I have to watch the Xena series to get more of Lucy Lawless, and I'm afraid that might tear at me all the way to spring break. Ugh.
Speaking of women, I really can't get enough of her: http://dorothysurrenders.blogspot.com/
My question to myself is, has my lesbian deficit been satisfied for now? How did deficit ever accumulate without my notice? What am I going to do from now on to make sure I get my daily dosage of lesbianism? It's not easy, I assure you, to try and focus on fossils when there are live, lithe, beautiful, sweet women gazing out of YouTube at you, especially nowadays that the media have included so many lesbian characters in mainstream television. Thank God I don't have a TV, but the accessibility of the internet makes my life more difficult each and every day. I'm a little tempted to go ask my male friends what do they do when their libido rears its drooling head and I have a term paper to write. But I know they'll just laugh at my hypocriticism and tell me to go fuck somebody, which I am not planning to do. Because I am a woman, and we women have feelings, which can get in the way of just plain fun.
No, seriously, how am I suppose to focus on phylogenies when I have Elizabeth Mitchell looking at me?
This is cruel and (un)usual punishment. Wahh.
This is a three day weekend, and I had somehow slept 14 hours. Thank goodness for that. Now I'm desperately trying to piece together a new outline/draft of my evo-paleo paper, and forced to bash my brain against the table and gaze at beautiful lesbians while I'm at it. Very difficult to concentrate, very difficult to make any headway at all, and very distressing and blissfully painful.
I mean really, here's a sample of what I mean.
The series is much more graphic than this - it's rated NC-17, so full frontal, kinky sex between any and all sexes in generally violent situations. Basically TV porn. They never should have let me get my hands on it. I don't appreciate the violence so am basically watching for Gia and Lucrettia. But now I have to watch the Xena series to get more of Lucy Lawless, and I'm afraid that might tear at me all the way to spring break. Ugh.
Speaking of women, I really can't get enough of her: http://dorothysurrenders.blogspot.com/
My question to myself is, has my lesbian deficit been satisfied for now? How did deficit ever accumulate without my notice? What am I going to do from now on to make sure I get my daily dosage of lesbianism? It's not easy, I assure you, to try and focus on fossils when there are live, lithe, beautiful, sweet women gazing out of YouTube at you, especially nowadays that the media have included so many lesbian characters in mainstream television. Thank God I don't have a TV, but the accessibility of the internet makes my life more difficult each and every day. I'm a little tempted to go ask my male friends what do they do when their libido rears its drooling head and I have a term paper to write. But I know they'll just laugh at my hypocriticism and tell me to go fuck somebody, which I am not planning to do. Because I am a woman, and we women have feelings, which can get in the way of just plain fun.
No, seriously, how am I suppose to focus on phylogenies when I have Elizabeth Mitchell looking at me?
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| Re-blogged from Dorothy Surrenders. |
Monday, January 31, 2011
Cuckoo
I went to a really interesting talk today, skipping the last part bio42 lecture. A guy from the UK was presenting his research on the visual capabilities of the cuckoo birds.
Cuckoo birds have a unique reproductive method wherein their eggs are parasites in other birds' nests. The cuckoo bird waits for just the right moment, as the host mother bird lays her egg and slips away, to quickly fly in, kick out one of the native eggs, and lay her own egg. When the cuckoo's egg hatches, it pushes all the other eggs or chicks out of the nest, becoming the center of attention for the host mom who will devote all her energy into raising this one invasive chick. Sometimes, the chick can become obscenely different from its host breed.
This provides a fascinating research topic centering around bird vision and their ability to identify alien eggs from their own. The scientist performed a study where many eggs from three different hosts (at least, as he presented) were imaged and given a score in 10 different categories (color, size, spotting, etc), and plotting them on a graph with 10 dimensions. Some host breeds are polymorphic, meaning between individuals of the same species there will be a variety of egg coloring. For that particular breed, the greater the distance of each egg from other eggs on the graph, the greater the polymorphism. Yet at the same time, through some analysis I can't remember, the more polymorphic a host species is, the less discriminating it is in identifying cuckoo birds' eggs. They have found that the reverse is true. Not only egg shell, but chicks within, can mimic their host, and the probability that the cuckoo bird lays its egg in the nest of the polymorph that matches it is entirely random, in which case the host mom does reject the invading egg.
There are many different types of cuckoo birds, most of whom reproduce in this parasitic manner. The cutest one, I think, are the cuckoo finches.
My questions are:
I went to the new physics library before lab today, and browsed through some interesting books on evolutionary computation, and did a brief Wikipedia search on that and genomic computation. I think if I have time, I would definitely sit down and see if I can't learn some of that. But for now, physics reading.
Cuckoo birds have a unique reproductive method wherein their eggs are parasites in other birds' nests. The cuckoo bird waits for just the right moment, as the host mother bird lays her egg and slips away, to quickly fly in, kick out one of the native eggs, and lay her own egg. When the cuckoo's egg hatches, it pushes all the other eggs or chicks out of the nest, becoming the center of attention for the host mom who will devote all her energy into raising this one invasive chick. Sometimes, the chick can become obscenely different from its host breed.
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| Re-post from Scientific American |
This provides a fascinating research topic centering around bird vision and their ability to identify alien eggs from their own. The scientist performed a study where many eggs from three different hosts (at least, as he presented) were imaged and given a score in 10 different categories (color, size, spotting, etc), and plotting them on a graph with 10 dimensions. Some host breeds are polymorphic, meaning between individuals of the same species there will be a variety of egg coloring. For that particular breed, the greater the distance of each egg from other eggs on the graph, the greater the polymorphism. Yet at the same time, through some analysis I can't remember, the more polymorphic a host species is, the less discriminating it is in identifying cuckoo birds' eggs. They have found that the reverse is true. Not only egg shell, but chicks within, can mimic their host, and the probability that the cuckoo bird lays its egg in the nest of the polymorph that matches it is entirely random, in which case the host mom does reject the invading egg.
There are many different types of cuckoo birds, most of whom reproduce in this parasitic manner. The cutest one, I think, are the cuckoo finches.
My questions are:
- how do obscene difference between host mom and chick affect their survival rates? Does the larger chick demand more resources from the mother, thereby making it harder for her to sustain herself? Does the mom's inability to support such a large chick decrease the chick's chance of survival?
- my personal answer to myself is that this one invasive chick is replacing 3~4 other chicks, so perhaps the mom would still be able to sustain herself and the chick
- would it be useful to paint our own egg, each time controlling for all but one of the 10 factors upon which we are collecting data, and placing it into the hosts' nests? Would this kill off the cuckoo's population? Would they toss our egg out? Can birds detect that this fake egg is fake, and comes from an entirely different species?
- what other ways can hosts discriminate eggs? is it through sight alone?
- it's uncertain if birds can smell, and birds generally don't discriminate on size of eggs because larger eggs might have better chances of survival, so they don't want to make the mistake of tossing out one of their strong eggs. and it might not be size that they detect, but area.
- why can't hosts discriminate against chicks, especially when the chicks grow to be so obviously different?
- mother hosts might be hyper-stimulated by food begging to be able to identify that the chick isn't from the same species. evolution might not have progressed far enough wherein host birds can discriminate beyond the egg shell.
- another person pointed out that the speaker had mentioned that some cuckoo produce eggs whose new born chicks are very similar to the host bird's chicks. does this not indicate that the host birds can discriminate against chicks?
- host birds sometimes do abandon nests when there is only one chick, identifying that the nest had been invaded by cuckoo. but beyond that, he's not sure, and more research should be done.
I went to the new physics library before lab today, and browsed through some interesting books on evolutionary computation, and did a brief Wikipedia search on that and genomic computation. I think if I have time, I would definitely sit down and see if I can't learn some of that. But for now, physics reading.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Klodi
Physics23 midterm this morning. I definitely haven't studied as much as I needed to, but here we go regardless.
Sea in my soul by *Klodi on deviantART
11 by *Klodi on deviantART
Saffron by *Klodi on deviantART
She's so skinny, it's scary. But, so beautiful, and rather good taste (I turned on the mature filter when going through her gallery, so I'm missing about half).
Sea in my soul by *Klodi on deviantART
11 by *Klodi on deviantART
Saffron by *Klodi on deviantART
She's so skinny, it's scary. But, so beautiful, and rather good taste (I turned on the mature filter when going through her gallery, so I'm missing about half).
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Vera Farmiga
Well, you know, once in a while I've got to showcase somebody I like.
Write more here.
More after the cut!
Write more here.
More after the cut!