Like cuing the rain for Spring break. Although this time, it had the gall to dress itself in sheep's clothing. I figured it had something to do with taking that first step into the real world by stepping out into a relatively safe backyard pretending to have normal life style, of having roommates who seem to drink every night when I don't, and of having the recurring relationship desires when I know I'm not mature enough yet. I've been struggling over these few things lately, but when I was denied a ticket to Cirque du Soleil with my dorm the sudden negative downfall was unexpected and unrealistic. I'm definitely responding too negatively a small problem.
So why? Why, still, when I'm surrounded by a lot of good things? What about my diagnosis am I missing as I struggle to understand and heal myself? My depression doesn't control me; I do, and I have the power to control it when I'm not thinking I'm being swept away by it. The Cirque thing seems to reflect my insecurities over my new found friendships. Somehow, being told by the staff that I don't have priorities on tickets was like being told that all my friends at Kimball have turned their backs on me, that they reject me and no longer wants to spend time with me. That's why they're not letting me go on this trip, because I've been looking forward to seeing everyone again next weekend. But that's not true. I think it's entirely administrative and logistical. But the fact that I'm thrown into a fit by that email response hints at some insecurity about being forgotten, about me not being valuable enough to have a presence in their minds when I'm not physically there. It reflects on my current state of isolation because I don't feel connected to my housemates. There's currently no friendships here, and I don't feel worthy of other friends' attention when I'm not in their vicinity. Chances are likely that they're just like me, thinking about themselves right now and not about friends who are far away. These insecurities make it difficult to create new friendships and creates a negative feedback loop that I need to break.
I'm also panicking over my lack of academic focus as I'm struggling to learn new skills in human connections and self-care. My heart asks, "Why should I care about the rest of the world when taking care of myself and the people around me is already so difficult and time consuming? I could very well spend the rest of my life doing this." A major in science is my desire to help the natural world work together with the destructive human nature, and it's been the motivation behind a lot of hard work, or at least long nights. But because I throw myself so completely into what I do, focusing on the more global goals have been difficult as I struggle to understand how to connect and utilize the relationships around me to help me better understand myself, to undo all the knots I've accumulated in my life and then to give back and improve theirs. There is so much to learn, how am I going to learn it all? When I focus on one thing I drop the ball on another thing, and that sets me back some. I can't simplify my life because life cannot be simplified, and I'm too ambitious to take any less than slightly more than I can handle.
Much of the stress and anxiety has been manifesting itself through bad diet. I don't think I've eaten much more than plain carbs lately. There's cheerios for breakfast, PB&J sandwich for lunch, and pasta/noodles for dinner. I haven't had a vegetable beside basil in my spaghetti for a week! Perhaps the lack of green is throwing a kink in my physiology, but I had maxed out my money plan for the week, and then some, so I need to wait until Week 2 before I buy any more groceries. A lot of the money went into shared items like cleaning supplies and that spaghetti meal we all wanted, and I also reason that a lot of what I bought this week extends into this week and maybe even Week 3. Hopefully groceries for Week 2 will cost less, but I do need to prioritize the greens rather than the yellows. I've also been diving for the sugar because it's a cheap packet of energy, and it seems to be following me around everywhere. I bought a $0.79 Snapple can today before I realized that the one serving had a whopping 54g of sugar. That's way more than a Pepsi's ~35g. I couldn't finish it, and it was my fault for going cheap. As a result of the sugar and carbohydrate binge this past week I've added a fair amount of padding to my abdomen, and it's nice that I'm not being to harsh on myself for that. Last Christmas I read Unbearable Lightness by Portia DeGeneres, and it had some eating tips that has stuck in my mind. See, there are some things about my life I'm knowledgeable about and can control.
Speaking of friendships, there's been a girl I've been smiling at all day today. She's with the Stanford at Sea program and she has spent most of the day in the library, too. Every time she sees me she gives me a wide smile that I rather like, and we talk. It's nice to genuinely like person here. Everybody else is fine, but with each I haven't found something that clicked, and more often than not I've found something that snags. But if I had to guess, we might be on our way towards a friendship because I choose this. A little hope for the future as I work through this next step.
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