Monday, January 31, 2011
Cuckoo
I went to a really interesting talk today, skipping the last part bio42 lecture. A guy from the UK was presenting his research on the visual capabilities of the cuckoo birds.
Cuckoo birds have a unique reproductive method wherein their eggs are parasites in other birds' nests. The cuckoo bird waits for just the right moment, as the host mother bird lays her egg and slips away, to quickly fly in, kick out one of the native eggs, and lay her own egg. When the cuckoo's egg hatches, it pushes all the other eggs or chicks out of the nest, becoming the center of attention for the host mom who will devote all her energy into raising this one invasive chick. Sometimes, the chick can become obscenely different from its host breed.
This provides a fascinating research topic centering around bird vision and their ability to identify alien eggs from their own. The scientist performed a study where many eggs from three different hosts (at least, as he presented) were imaged and given a score in 10 different categories (color, size, spotting, etc), and plotting them on a graph with 10 dimensions. Some host breeds are polymorphic, meaning between individuals of the same species there will be a variety of egg coloring. For that particular breed, the greater the distance of each egg from other eggs on the graph, the greater the polymorphism. Yet at the same time, through some analysis I can't remember, the more polymorphic a host species is, the less discriminating it is in identifying cuckoo birds' eggs. They have found that the reverse is true. Not only egg shell, but chicks within, can mimic their host, and the probability that the cuckoo bird lays its egg in the nest of the polymorph that matches it is entirely random, in which case the host mom does reject the invading egg.
There are many different types of cuckoo birds, most of whom reproduce in this parasitic manner. The cutest one, I think, are the cuckoo finches.
My questions are:
I went to the new physics library before lab today, and browsed through some interesting books on evolutionary computation, and did a brief Wikipedia search on that and genomic computation. I think if I have time, I would definitely sit down and see if I can't learn some of that. But for now, physics reading.
Cuckoo birds have a unique reproductive method wherein their eggs are parasites in other birds' nests. The cuckoo bird waits for just the right moment, as the host mother bird lays her egg and slips away, to quickly fly in, kick out one of the native eggs, and lay her own egg. When the cuckoo's egg hatches, it pushes all the other eggs or chicks out of the nest, becoming the center of attention for the host mom who will devote all her energy into raising this one invasive chick. Sometimes, the chick can become obscenely different from its host breed.
 |
| Re-post from Scientific American |
This provides a fascinating research topic centering around bird vision and their ability to identify alien eggs from their own. The scientist performed a study where many eggs from three different hosts (at least, as he presented) were imaged and given a score in 10 different categories (color, size, spotting, etc), and plotting them on a graph with 10 dimensions. Some host breeds are polymorphic, meaning between individuals of the same species there will be a variety of egg coloring. For that particular breed, the greater the distance of each egg from other eggs on the graph, the greater the polymorphism. Yet at the same time, through some analysis I can't remember, the more polymorphic a host species is, the less discriminating it is in identifying cuckoo birds' eggs. They have found that the reverse is true. Not only egg shell, but chicks within, can mimic their host, and the probability that the cuckoo bird lays its egg in the nest of the polymorph that matches it is entirely random, in which case the host mom does reject the invading egg.
There are many different types of cuckoo birds, most of whom reproduce in this parasitic manner. The cutest one, I think, are the cuckoo finches.
My questions are:
- how do obscene difference between host mom and chick affect their survival rates? Does the larger chick demand more resources from the mother, thereby making it harder for her to sustain herself? Does the mom's inability to support such a large chick decrease the chick's chance of survival?
- my personal answer to myself is that this one invasive chick is replacing 3~4 other chicks, so perhaps the mom would still be able to sustain herself and the chick
- would it be useful to paint our own egg, each time controlling for all but one of the 10 factors upon which we are collecting data, and placing it into the hosts' nests? Would this kill off the cuckoo's population? Would they toss our egg out? Can birds detect that this fake egg is fake, and comes from an entirely different species?
- what other ways can hosts discriminate eggs? is it through sight alone?
- it's uncertain if birds can smell, and birds generally don't discriminate on size of eggs because larger eggs might have better chances of survival, so they don't want to make the mistake of tossing out one of their strong eggs. and it might not be size that they detect, but area.
- why can't hosts discriminate against chicks, especially when the chicks grow to be so obviously different?
- mother hosts might be hyper-stimulated by food begging to be able to identify that the chick isn't from the same species. evolution might not have progressed far enough wherein host birds can discriminate beyond the egg shell.
- another person pointed out that the speaker had mentioned that some cuckoo produce eggs whose new born chicks are very similar to the host bird's chicks. does this not indicate that the host birds can discriminate against chicks?
- host birds sometimes do abandon nests when there is only one chick, identifying that the nest had been invaded by cuckoo. but beyond that, he's not sure, and more research should be done.
I went to the new physics library before lab today, and browsed through some interesting books on evolutionary computation, and did a brief Wikipedia search on that and genomic computation. I think if I have time, I would definitely sit down and see if I can't learn some of that. But for now, physics reading.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Klodi
Physics23 midterm this morning. I definitely haven't studied as much as I needed to, but here we go regardless.
Sea in my soul by *Klodi on deviantART
11 by *Klodi on deviantART
Saffron by *Klodi on deviantART
She's so skinny, it's scary. But, so beautiful, and rather good taste (I turned on the mature filter when going through her gallery, so I'm missing about half).
Sea in my soul by *Klodi on deviantART
11 by *Klodi on deviantART
Saffron by *Klodi on deviantART
She's so skinny, it's scary. But, so beautiful, and rather good taste (I turned on the mature filter when going through her gallery, so I'm missing about half).
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Vera Farmiga
Well, you know, once in a while I've got to showcase somebody I like.
Write more here.
More after the cut!
Write more here.
More after the cut!
Cal Academy Artists
Here are two of my favorite artists currently exhibiting at the Cal Academy. They really are quite amazing, and I would like to paint like them when I'm older.
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| Re-post from Only Creative |
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| Re-post from Nikolet |
Absolutely beautiful.
Resin Sculptures
This is amazing! And so cheap! I would totally spend my life making these and selling them for customs. Maybe when I retire, I can make models of all the organism I had studied throughout my research career.
Unicorn Purification Resin I by *Indigo-Ocean on deviantART
Dragon Resin: Hmm - 1 by *Indigo-Ocean on deviantART
Rainbow_shademons by =wereRemjiff on deviantART
Unicorn Purification Resin I by *Indigo-Ocean on deviantART
Dragon Resin: Hmm - 1 by *Indigo-Ocean on deviantART
Rainbow_shademons by =wereRemjiff on deviantART
Scared
I'm scared. I'm scared of the Bio42 midterm because even though I can answer questions correctly most of the time in class, I know I'll get bored or scared or freeze up when I'm sitting there taking the test. I think I have enough knowledge to not fail, but I've been failing every tests that I feel like I will fail anyway. Like it's inevitable and I'm scared and froze up even during the practice test I was taking. I haven't checked the answers yet, but this is the last practice test I can take, so whatever I get on here, I can't improve much more than that. Ahhhhhhhhhh.
-screams-
Ah.
-screams-
Ah.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Sleep Wars
My body and I are at war with one another. Sunday night (Monday morning) I had three hours of sleep (6am-9am), and 30 minutes nap throughout the day. Throughout most of Monday I was exhausted, but I kept on plowing through because it felt so good to be getting things done. Even as I am distracted most evening y rowdy people who needed to have a mental break (me too, generally), from midnight to 6am I can usually get a lot of work done because people are sleeping. I didn't even nod off in classes on Monday because my body was in survival mode. Monday night/Tuesday morning was the same, but on Tuesday I experienced major eye-sores that left me blind my class. So I just closed my eyes and listened, nodding once in a while to prove to myself and the world that I was still awake. I took a nap from 9pm-midnight on Tuesday, woke up and went to the computer cluster where everybody was up and talking. So, I figured I'd go back to bed and wake up at 3am (6 hours of sleep, right?) and get working again 3am-6am. I slept until 9am, then fell asleep in physics lecture.
I can hear my body say, "Make me work on 3 hours of sleep? Let me show you how I can keep you sleeping even when you've rested enough."
Damn it.
Right now I feel all warm and happy because a part of my brain has disconnected itself from the impending doom of failing my bio midterm (Thursday night) and physics midterm (Friday morning). Therefore, I would like to take this time and celebrate Australia Day.
May I find myself studying abroad in Australia next Fall.
P.S. I had a dream where I was on a farm that had to shut down, so I ran away with one of their miniature horses, feeling bad as I made the horse carry me. I had found some reins that were too tight for it. My sleep got interrupted, but I went back under and found myself carrying a pug-sized cat to some pet therapist's house, and there was a bundle of food that we were all trying to keep away from that cat. It ran away from us and hid under the couches, and when we finally dragged it out and packed it into its crate to go home, I can hear the cat's voice in my head: "Alright, but you people should know that a very delicious morsel of food had fallen out under that couch." Apparently, the parcel of food had small containers of condiments, which had fallen out.
ETA: Response?
Skip Bio42 lecture, write this post, run 2 miles at the gym, and coffee.
I can hear my body say, "Make me work on 3 hours of sleep? Let me show you how I can keep you sleeping even when you've rested enough."
Damn it.
Right now I feel all warm and happy because a part of my brain has disconnected itself from the impending doom of failing my bio midterm (Thursday night) and physics midterm (Friday morning). Therefore, I would like to take this time and celebrate Australia Day.
 |
| What Katie Ate |
P.S. I had a dream where I was on a farm that had to shut down, so I ran away with one of their miniature horses, feeling bad as I made the horse carry me. I had found some reins that were too tight for it. My sleep got interrupted, but I went back under and found myself carrying a pug-sized cat to some pet therapist's house, and there was a bundle of food that we were all trying to keep away from that cat. It ran away from us and hid under the couches, and when we finally dragged it out and packed it into its crate to go home, I can hear the cat's voice in my head: "Alright, but you people should know that a very delicious morsel of food had fallen out under that couch." Apparently, the parcel of food had small containers of condiments, which had fallen out.
ETA: Response?
Skip Bio42 lecture, write this post, run 2 miles at the gym, and coffee.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Pakistan's Lesbians Live In Silence, Love In Secret
http://www.npr.org/2011/01/17/132711102/pakistans-lesbians-live-in-silence-love-in-secret
Somehow, this lifts me, especially listening to the girls in the audio interview.
Homosexuality is 'a sin'
And this, well...
Somehow, this lifts me, especially listening to the girls in the audio interview.
Homosexuality is 'a sin'
And this, well...
Monday, January 24, 2011
World's Largest Cave Explored in Vietnam: Big Pic
Sweet :)
http://news.discovery.com/earth/largest-cave-vietnam-110121.html#mkcpgn=emnws1
They turned on the AC again. They don't know how to just turn things off, do they? Ah.
http://news.discovery.com/earth/largest-cave-vietnam-110121.html#mkcpgn=emnws1
They turned on the AC again. They don't know how to just turn things off, do they? Ah.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
There's an interesting thing that happens to my physiology when I pull an all-nighter. I'm determined to abuse this weekend to study for my physics and biology midterm, so I've been up since 8am (three more hours, and it'll have been 24 hours). Granted, about 50% of the time was productive, but rather than sleeping I entertained myself with Youtube and such. My heart is beating heavier, perhaps slightly faster, and there's a slight burning in my chest that makes me think I'm loosing resources. But what's actually missing besides sleep? I'm fed, hydrated, and walking periodically. The room is nice and warm, not chilled. I've been going on winds after winds, but I'm motivated because I don't have class tomorrow, and I don't have to sit uncomfortably paying attention to people. I can just study.
I know my brain is in no shape to synthesize anything. I'm only staying up to finish flashcards for all the materials covered in this midterm, so I'm only studying, repeating the facts in my mind and doing the dog-ish part of the work. I might be able to work on PS3 before sleep this morning, but we'll see. Later today I will take a practice Bio midterm and finish the PS3, as well as flip through the cards I have. Tonight I should spend making physics cards.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Bed at 6am and woke up for shower and lunch at noon. I don't think my body likes being pushed to stay up for 22 hours without sleep. This morning my chest feels constricted and my hands are weak - it's a little hard to hold my flash cards and go through them, but I can type and I think I can write with support. I want at least 12 hours of work before I go back to sleep. It's like running long distance. It hurts for the first 15 minutes or so, but then your body enters this deep breathing stage where there's a dull ache in your chest, but you don't think of quitting. You'll just keep going on and on. I had something like that last night, but this morning it's a little harder. I might start thinking of my rest as a matter of how many hours I work, and how many hours I sleep, rather than what hour of the day it is. But if you've been sleeping between 10pm and 6am all your life, sleeping during 6am and noon feels a little strange.
I know my brain is in no shape to synthesize anything. I'm only staying up to finish flashcards for all the materials covered in this midterm, so I'm only studying, repeating the facts in my mind and doing the dog-ish part of the work. I might be able to work on PS3 before sleep this morning, but we'll see. Later today I will take a practice Bio midterm and finish the PS3, as well as flip through the cards I have. Tonight I should spend making physics cards.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Bed at 6am and woke up for shower and lunch at noon. I don't think my body likes being pushed to stay up for 22 hours without sleep. This morning my chest feels constricted and my hands are weak - it's a little hard to hold my flash cards and go through them, but I can type and I think I can write with support. I want at least 12 hours of work before I go back to sleep. It's like running long distance. It hurts for the first 15 minutes or so, but then your body enters this deep breathing stage where there's a dull ache in your chest, but you don't think of quitting. You'll just keep going on and on. I had something like that last night, but this morning it's a little harder. I might start thinking of my rest as a matter of how many hours I work, and how many hours I sleep, rather than what hour of the day it is. But if you've been sleeping between 10pm and 6am all your life, sleeping during 6am and noon feels a little strange.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Winter '11 Week 4
Note: each week begins on the Friday of the previous week.
Exams this week:
Bio42 on Thursday, 1/27/11, 7pm-9pm
Physics23 on Friday, 1/28/11, in class 10pm-10:50pm
Non-Homework
BOSP Australia application
Hopkins Marine Station application
VPUE summer research application
Research
This Week
Bio42
Problem Set #3
Flashcards
Finish Cyert's notes
Review for midterm (next week, 2/1)
HumBio185
4A Alexander How Dinosaurs Ran.pdf
4D Pen Climate-driven population divergence in.pdf
4F Lohmann - How Sea Turtles Navigate ScientificAmerican.pdf
4G Lohmann -Magnetic-field perception Nature.pdf
Textbook: 11, 12, 13, 14
Study for midterm (week #5)
Bio136
Textbook: pages 51-63
Miserez 2010.pdf
Nielsen_Parker_2010.pdf
pandolfi 2011.pdf
smith&caron 2010.pdf
Study for midterm (next week, 2/1)
Physics23
Textbook: 20.8–20.10, 20.12, 21.1–21.4
Practice Midterm
Practice problems
Problem Set #3
Next Week
Bio42
HumBio185
Bio136
Physics23
Catch Up
Humbio185
Textbook reading: Chapters 1, 2, 3, 6
Week 1 questions
Week 2 questions
Thursday's lecture: VertBiolec4Fishlocomotionlateralline.pdf
Tuesday's lecture: RFernaldEyeEvoSlides.pdf
1A Gould The Evolution of Life.pdf
1B Holland - A chordate with a difference.pdf
1D Nicholls - MOUTH TO MOUTH.pdf
1E Grillner - Neural Networks.pdf
2011VertBioSlidesLec1Jan4.pdf
2011VertBioSlidesLec2Jan6.pdf
3B Hudspeth The Hair Cells of the Inner Ear.pdf (read again)
3E Feder Skin Breathing in Vertebrates scientificamerican.pdf
Week 3 questions
Bio136
Book reading: 1-35
Physics23
Textbook reading: 19.8 (again), 20.1-20.7
Exams this week:
Bio42 on Thursday, 1/27/11, 7pm-9pm
Physics23 on Friday, 1/28/11, in class 10pm-10:50pm
Non-Homework
Hopkins Marine Station application
VPUE summer research application
Research
This Week
Bio42
Review for midterm (next week, 2/1)
HumBio185
4A Alexander How Dinosaurs Ran.pdf
4D Pen Climate-driven population divergence in.pdf
4F Lohmann - How Sea Turtles Navigate ScientificAmerican.pdf
4G Lohmann -Magnetic-field perception Nature.pdf
Textbook: 11, 12, 13, 14
Study for midterm (week #5)
Bio136
Textbook: pages 51-63
Nielsen_Parker_2010.pdf
pandolfi 2011.pdf
smith&caron 2010.pdf
Study for midterm (next week, 2/1)
Physics23
Textbook: 20.8–20.10, 20.12, 21.1–21.4
Practice Midterm
Practice problems
Next Week
Bio42
HumBio185
Bio136
Physics23
Catch Up
Humbio185
Textbook reading: Chapters 1, 2, 3, 6
Week 1 questions
Week 2 questions
Thursday's lecture: VertBiolec4Fishlocomotionlateralline.pdf
Tuesday's lecture: RFernaldEyeEvoSlides.pdf
1A Gould The Evolution of Life.pdf
1B Holland - A chordate with a difference.pdf
1D Nicholls - MOUTH TO MOUTH.pdf
1E Grillner - Neural Networks.pdf
2011VertBioSlidesLec1Jan4.pdf
2011VertBioSlidesLec2Jan6.pdf
3B Hudspeth The Hair Cells of the Inner Ear.pdf (read again)
3E Feder Skin Breathing in Vertebrates scientificamerican.pdf
Week 3 questions
Bio136
Book reading: 1-35
Physics23
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Break Ups
I had double-vision in HumBio185 today, because I was so tired. I've been going pretty steady on 6 hours of a sleep a night, every night of the week. Ever since that impressive obstacle course maneuvering last Friday, I now put my phone/alarm on a table underneath my lofted bed, so I have to either climb down or fall off to turn it off. Either way, I'm awake (I haven't fallen, yet). Then, if I'm not on my period, I walk to the gym, run a mile, then walk back. So by 7:30 ish I eat breakfast and try to get some work done, but somehow that doesn't work. I'm really tired after exercise and, despite the initial rousing energy, I feel sleepy again. So I drink caffeine, work on a puzzle and go to class at 10 or 11, where I'd inevitably fall asleep. I'm tired in my next few classes, too, but after a nap during class I'm a little bit more awake.
Usually I'm dead asleep in physics, but today I was nodding off during HumBio185, too, which is really frustrating because I am actually interested in amphibians...So I think I need to pick up coffee/tea before my first class, too. I can train myself to do anything, so this morning I did get some reading done. I think if I work at it, I can transform my room into a productive place in the mornings. I stopped gorging myself at meals, so I eat better now, and my appetite isn't too great because I've been exercising. I just wish I could make my sleep more efficient and feel better after 6 hours. The average for college students is 6 hours with an hour nap, and I take that nap in 15 minute periods. I just need those periods to not be before noon, during lectures. Maybe there's some troubling dreams I'm not remembering making me sleep un-fitfully.
Anyway, our petition to turn off the AC in the computer cluster succeeded. It's warm enough that I'm in tank tops. Yesss. My laptop has a virus, but I need to re-install everything anyway. That's my side project this weekend.
More thoughts on relationship: the people around me keep breaking up and hooking up (which means they've broken up with someone to do so). A lesbian pair that I thought was so well suited for each other broke up three weeks ago. Two pairs are hooking up, meaning one pair broke up. Even my model pair (who's been together for about 3~4 years now?) has broken up at least temporarily. Maybe around this age, we're meant to break up and hook up, like changing partners in a dance. Maybe people only stay together because when they're older, they realize that they want to settle down, so they look around them, and if they have someone they've been steadily dating for a few years, they propose and settle down to replicate. Scientists have done an experiment where lovers were separated and made to look at pictures of their lover, and their brain scans showed higher something than people who weren't really in love. Those brain signals are found in new lovers as expected, but unexpectedly in old couples, too. People who have been together for many years and still feel the attachment. But that's rare. To find your "soul mate" might be tremendously difficult, so I think most people just...settle.
But in these times, they don't do even that. Marriage was initially necessary for financial stability and social grace, but nowadays people make enough to live independently, in most cases, and most people delay marriage until their 30's. It's harder to have healthy children at that age, so perhaps the number of children decreases, too. So what was once a binding arrangement, wherein you might eventually come to love your partner, now becomes almost arbitrary.
So why should I bother going through all the hooking up and breaking up? Why not just spend time making friends? When I see a girl I like, or who I think likes me, I've been trying to build a friendship rather than enter a relationship. With a relationship, it seems guaranteed we'll fall apart after a few years, if we're lucky, but most of my friendships have lasted since their inauguration (I really wanted to use that word there). If I find myself flirting, I re-evaluate and realize that I don't really care about the person. Then I feel guilty for flirting without honesty and stop myself. I don't make a genuine effort to find a relationship because I'm afraid it will inevitably dissolve. I believe in Love, but I don't think it's present in relationships.
Usually I'm dead asleep in physics, but today I was nodding off during HumBio185, too, which is really frustrating because I am actually interested in amphibians...So I think I need to pick up coffee/tea before my first class, too. I can train myself to do anything, so this morning I did get some reading done. I think if I work at it, I can transform my room into a productive place in the mornings. I stopped gorging myself at meals, so I eat better now, and my appetite isn't too great because I've been exercising. I just wish I could make my sleep more efficient and feel better after 6 hours. The average for college students is 6 hours with an hour nap, and I take that nap in 15 minute periods. I just need those periods to not be before noon, during lectures. Maybe there's some troubling dreams I'm not remembering making me sleep un-fitfully.
Anyway, our petition to turn off the AC in the computer cluster succeeded. It's warm enough that I'm in tank tops. Yesss. My laptop has a virus, but I need to re-install everything anyway. That's my side project this weekend.
-------------------------------------------
More thoughts on relationship: the people around me keep breaking up and hooking up (which means they've broken up with someone to do so). A lesbian pair that I thought was so well suited for each other broke up three weeks ago. Two pairs are hooking up, meaning one pair broke up. Even my model pair (who's been together for about 3~4 years now?) has broken up at least temporarily. Maybe around this age, we're meant to break up and hook up, like changing partners in a dance. Maybe people only stay together because when they're older, they realize that they want to settle down, so they look around them, and if they have someone they've been steadily dating for a few years, they propose and settle down to replicate. Scientists have done an experiment where lovers were separated and made to look at pictures of their lover, and their brain scans showed higher something than people who weren't really in love. Those brain signals are found in new lovers as expected, but unexpectedly in old couples, too. People who have been together for many years and still feel the attachment. But that's rare. To find your "soul mate" might be tremendously difficult, so I think most people just...settle.
But in these times, they don't do even that. Marriage was initially necessary for financial stability and social grace, but nowadays people make enough to live independently, in most cases, and most people delay marriage until their 30's. It's harder to have healthy children at that age, so perhaps the number of children decreases, too. So what was once a binding arrangement, wherein you might eventually come to love your partner, now becomes almost arbitrary.
So why should I bother going through all the hooking up and breaking up? Why not just spend time making friends? When I see a girl I like, or who I think likes me, I've been trying to build a friendship rather than enter a relationship. With a relationship, it seems guaranteed we'll fall apart after a few years, if we're lucky, but most of my friendships have lasted since their inauguration (I really wanted to use that word there). If I find myself flirting, I re-evaluate and realize that I don't really care about the person. Then I feel guilty for flirting without honesty and stop myself. I don't make a genuine effort to find a relationship because I'm afraid it will inevitably dissolve. I believe in Love, but I don't think it's present in relationships.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Winter '11 Week 3
I should do one of these for every week. So helpful!
This Week
Physics23
Textbook reading:19.1, 19.3-19.4, 19.7-19.8, 20.1-20.7
Practice Midterm
Practice problems
Problem Set #3
HumBio185 (I just realized that most of the readings are optional, and that we're only required to read four articles and the textbook each week; yes!)
3B Hudspeth The Hair Cells of the Inner Ear.pdf (read again)
Week 3 questions
Textbook reading: chapters 10
Bio136
Humans as the World's Greatest Evolutionary Force - mind map
Adaptation and diversification on islands - re-read and mind map
Bio42
Problem set #3
Flashcards
Finish Cyert's notes
Review for midterm (next week, 2/1)
Next Week
HumBio185
4A Alexander How Dinosaurs Ran.pdf
4D Pen Climate-driven population divergence in.pdf
4F Lohmann - How Sea Turtles Navigate ScientificAmerican.pdf
4G Lohmann -Magnetic-field perception Nature.pdf
Textbook: 11, 12, 13, 14
Study for midterm (week #5)
Bio136
Textbook: pages 51-63
Readings week #4
Study for midterm (next week, 2/1)
Physics23
Textbook: 20.8–20.10, 20.12, 21.1–21.4
Non-Homework
BOSP Australia application
Hopkins Marine Station application
VPUE summer research application
Research
Catch Up
Humbio185
Textbook reading: Chapters 1, 2, 3, 6
Week 1 questions
Week 2 questions
Thursday's lecture: VertBiolec4Fishlocomotionlateralline.pdf
Tuesday's lecture: RFernaldEyeEvoSlides.pdf
1A Gould The Evolution of Life.pdf
1B Holland - A chordate with a difference.pdf
1D Nicholls - MOUTH TO MOUTH.pdf
1E Grillner - Neural Networks.pdf
2011VertBioSlidesLec1Jan4.pdf
2011VertBioSlidesLec2Jan6.pdf
Bio136
Book reading: 1-35
This Week
Physics23
Textbook reading:
Practice Midterm
Practice problems
Problem Set #3
HumBio185 (I just realized that most of the readings are optional, and that we're only required to read four articles and the textbook each week; yes!)
3B Hudspeth The Hair Cells of the Inner Ear.pdf (read again)
Week 3 questions
Bio136
Bio42
Problem set #3
Flashcards
Finish Cyert's notes
Review for midterm (next week, 2/1)
Next Week
HumBio185
4A Alexander How Dinosaurs Ran.pdf
4D Pen Climate-driven population divergence in.pdf
4F Lohmann - How Sea Turtles Navigate ScientificAmerican.pdf
4G Lohmann -Magnetic-field perception Nature.pdf
Textbook: 11, 12, 13, 14
Study for midterm (week #5)
Bio136
Textbook: pages 51-63
Readings week #4
Study for midterm (next week, 2/1)
Physics23
Textbook: 20.8–20.10, 20.12, 21.1–21.4
Non-Homework
BOSP Australia application
Hopkins Marine Station application
VPUE summer research application
Research
Catch Up
Humbio185
Textbook reading: Chapters 1, 2, 3, 6
Week 1 questions
Week 2 questions
Thursday's lecture: VertBiolec4Fishlocomotionlateralline.pdf
Tuesday's lecture: RFernaldEyeEvoSlides.pdf
1A Gould The Evolution of Life.pdf
1B Holland - A chordate with a difference.pdf
1D Nicholls - MOUTH TO MOUTH.pdf
1E Grillner - Neural Networks.pdf
2011VertBioSlidesLec1Jan4.pdf
2011VertBioSlidesLec2Jan6.pdf
Bio136
Book reading: 1-35
7 Timeless Tips
1. Andrew Carnegie on paying attention to the more important things.7 of My Favorite Timeless Tips from the Last 2500 Years
“As I grow older, I pay less attention to what men say. I just watch what they do.”
2. Carl Jung on what others may teach you about yourself.
“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”
3. Ralph Waldo Emerson on facing your fear.
“When a resolute young fellow steps up to the great bully, the world, and takes him boldly by the beard, he is often surprised to find it comes off in his hand, and that it was only tied on to scare away the timid adventurers.”
4. Wayne Dyer on taking responsibility for your life.
“Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it’s always your choice.”
5. Gandhi on being human.
“I claim to be a simple individual liable to err like any other fellow mortal. I own, however, that I have humility enough to confess my errors and to retrace my steps.”
“It is unwise to be too sure of one’s own wisdom. It is healthy to be reminded that the strongest might weaken and the wisest might err.”
6. Confucius on understanding.
“I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.”
7. Mark Twain on doing what you want to do.
“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”
And just in case I need this in the future: uncovering the difference between cheerful and positive
Some dead philosophers.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
Love Song
What if people would start singing love songs about homosexual couples? I mean, love songs about straight couples are everywhere, and every time I watch one, I find myself re-analyzing the same-old gender roles, gender biases and all that feminism jazz. Would it be that hard to sing about a love between two people of the same gender? Someone should write a song about that time when you first laid eyes on someone of a gender you've never considered before, and your heart flutters and you don't know what to do about it. Someone should write a song about a girl who parties with her boys then comes home to the girlfriend reading in bed, waiting up because she wasn't the party type. And they should do it in all the possible genre and make it as dance-able, sweet, classy and popular as possible, so that kids of the future generations will know that homosexual love is common and not taboo. I'm so tired of queer themes showing up on the drunken shots by straight people experimenting. No, Katie Perry, I don't care that you liked kissing girls because you're still some guy's teenage dream (but great job on "Fireworks"). And no, Enrique Iglesias, you don't get to watch. Thank you, Bruno Mars, men should definitely learn from you - I just wished you had a woman counterpart. These are some of the top hits today, and I really want some queer people to be there.
I'm tired of queer music being limited to the angry, bitter genre of indie like Tegan and Sarah (this is not a criticism, they're great, but they seem to belong to their own genre), or hidden beneath layers screaming for equality and acceptance. A pro-prop 8 mother once told me that she has nothing against queer people, but as a religious woman she doesn't like that they're trying to change the Bible. So if people have nothing against the gay love (and I mean beyond the sex), why aren't we screaming it from the rooftops? Why does the word 'queer' bring to mind only the anger, not the love we're fighting for?
Thank you, Ricky Martin. You're perfect, just the way you are. (can we clone you and put one of you in ever gender and genre?)
Some time ago I read an article on how the revolution of the pink ribbon has gone on for too long, that people are spending more time celebrating the cause than actually finding a cure. The article ends with (and I paraphrase), "Maybe it's time to stop calling for a cure and find one."
Maybe it's time to stop screaming for our rights at the ignorant people and start expressing our love in the media. Stop waiting for straight singers like Lady Gaga and Cher to sing for us. What if we could express ourselves without asking for acceptance, and whether or not it will be accepted, just be? I know some of you queer folks out there can sing and can write lyrics, and I really need some of you to come up with a good beat and smooth lyrics. Some people might die on that stage, but then, some people die at the pickets, too
P.S. I do miss SSQL, though I was never one for the rally. Maybe this comes from an entire weekend studying to all these really catchy pop songs and, in the end, realizing that queers are left out of the fairy tale.
I'm tired of queer music being limited to the angry, bitter genre of indie like Tegan and Sarah (this is not a criticism, they're great, but they seem to belong to their own genre), or hidden beneath layers screaming for equality and acceptance. A pro-prop 8 mother once told me that she has nothing against queer people, but as a religious woman she doesn't like that they're trying to change the Bible. So if people have nothing against the gay love (and I mean beyond the sex), why aren't we screaming it from the rooftops? Why does the word 'queer' bring to mind only the anger, not the love we're fighting for?
Thank you, Ricky Martin. You're perfect, just the way you are. (can we clone you and put one of you in ever gender and genre?)
Some time ago I read an article on how the revolution of the pink ribbon has gone on for too long, that people are spending more time celebrating the cause than actually finding a cure. The article ends with (and I paraphrase), "Maybe it's time to stop calling for a cure and find one."
Maybe it's time to stop screaming for our rights at the ignorant people and start expressing our love in the media. Stop waiting for straight singers like Lady Gaga and Cher to sing for us. What if we could express ourselves without asking for acceptance, and whether or not it will be accepted, just be? I know some of you queer folks out there can sing and can write lyrics, and I really need some of you to come up with a good beat and smooth lyrics. Some people might die on that stage, but then, some people die at the pickets, too
P.S. I do miss SSQL, though I was never one for the rally. Maybe this comes from an entire weekend studying to all these really catchy pop songs and, in the end, realizing that queers are left out of the fairy tale.
If Horses Could Speak
I don't understand a word of this, but someday I should rent and watch the DVD with subtitles to see what methods have been developed to study locomotion and what skeletal inferences might be made in order for us to understand how fossilized creatures moved.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Winter '11 Week 2 - MLK Weekend
I have a terrible time just sitting and studying. I have to write, I have to synthesize something, and best if I was creative with it. As I sit reading science articles I keep thinking about coding projects, and even though I have no project in mind or CS homework, I need the creativity to flow.
So I make mind maps of articles I'm reading.
========================= This Weekend =========================
Current Homework
Bio42
Textbook reading:408-428, 556-565, 473-502, 505-523, 649-665 (read again, if you can), 669-678, 605-607, 612-615, 627-632, 733-745 This is impossible, we're reading about regulating pathways that malfunction to cause cancer, and I have no idea what it's talking about. Let's just read the teacher's notes. AK confirmed it: don't bother with the book, just read the teacher's notes.
Cell Biology PS2
Physics23
Textbook reading: 19.1, 19.3-19.4, 19.7-19.8, 20.1-20.7
HumBio185
3A Axel The Molecular Logic of Smell.pdf
3B Hudspeth The Hair Cells of the Inner Ear.pdf (read again)
3C R Carroll Between water and land.pdf
3D J Clack GETTING A LEG UP scientificamerican (so beautiful!)
3E Feder Skin Breathing in Vertebrates scientificamerican.pdf
3F Kupfer Parental investment by skin feeding in a caecilian nature.pdf
3G Narins Frog Communication scientificamerican 0895-78.pdf
3H Shen Ultrasonic frogs show hyperacute phonotaxis to female.pdf
Week 3 questions
Textbook reading: chapters8, 9, 10
Bio136
Book reading: 36-51
Lazcano 2010
Losos_Ricklefs_2009.pdf
Palumbi_2001.pdf
trinkaus 2011.pdf
Non-Homework Responsibilities
FAFSA
BOSP Australia application
Hopkins Marine Station application
VPUE summer research application
Research
Buy Thought Notebook
------------------------------
Catch Up Homework
Humbio185
Textbook reading: Chapters 1, 2, 3, 6
Week 1 questions
Week 2 questions
Thursday's lecture: VertBiolec4Fishlocomotionlateralline.pdf
Tuesday's lecture: RFernaldEyeEvoSlides.pdf
1A Gould The Evolution of Life.pdf
1B Holland - A chordate with a difference.pdf
1C Coates - Beyond the age of fishes.pdf
1D Nicholls - MOUTH TO MOUTH.pdf
1E Grillner - Neural Networks.pdf
2011VertBioSlidesLec1Jan4.pdf
2011VertBioSlidesLec2Jan6.pdf
Bio136
Book reading: 1-35
So I make mind maps of articles I'm reading.
========================= This Weekend =========================
Current Homework
Bio42
Textbook reading:
Cell Biology PS2
Physics23
Textbook reading: 19.1, 19.3-19.4, 19.7-19.8, 20.1-20.7
HumBio185
3B Hudspeth The Hair Cells of the Inner Ear.pdf (read again)
3E Feder Skin Breathing in Vertebrates scientificamerican.pdf
3F Kupfer Parental investment by skin feeding in a caecilian nature.pdf
3G Narins Frog Communication scientificamerican 0895-78.pdf
3H Shen Ultrasonic frogs show hyperacute phonotaxis to female.pdf
Week 3 questions
Textbook reading: chapters
Bio136
Losos_Ricklefs_2009.pdf
Palumbi_2001.pdf
Non-Homework Responsibilities
BOSP Australia application
Hopkins Marine Station application
VPUE summer research application
Research
------------------------------
Catch Up Homework
Humbio185
Textbook reading: Chapters 1, 2, 3, 6
Week 1 questions
Week 2 questions
Thursday's lecture: VertBiolec4Fishlocomotionlateralline.pdf
Tuesday's lecture: RFernaldEyeEvoSlides.pdf
1A Gould The Evolution of Life.pdf
1B Holland - A chordate with a difference.pdf
1C Coates - Beyond the age of fishes.pdf
1D Nicholls - MOUTH TO MOUTH.pdf
1E Grillner - Neural Networks.pdf
2011VertBioSlidesLec1Jan4.pdf
2011VertBioSlidesLec2Jan6.pdf
Bio136
Book reading: 1-35
Flayu
I didn't study after DH came in. We just watched Dave (1993) where I tried to instill some moral values into him while he's still young and struggling to make it into to the white house.
5:45 hours of sleep and a mile jog later, I'm distracted by Harry Potter fan art, waiting for breakfast. Today I'm going to finish making flashcards for what we've covered so far in Bio42, read everything for next week for HumBio185, and read everything for next week for Bio136. Bed by 2, run at 9 tomorrow again.
Until then, here's some amazingly colorful Harry Potter art!
5:45 hours of sleep and a mile jog later, I'm distracted by Harry Potter fan art, waiting for breakfast. Today I'm going to finish making flashcards for what we've covered so far in Bio42, read everything for next week for HumBio185, and read everything for next week for Bio136. Bed by 2, run at 9 tomorrow again.
Until then, here's some amazingly colorful Harry Potter art!
Just a Dream
So someday, down the road, when I'm agonizing about what a boring person I've become, I need to look back at tonight, when I'm the only one left in the computer cluster reviewing biology, working hard on a Friday night and knowing that I'm going to be spending MLK weekend trying to get ahead next week.
I'm also thinking about HF again, right as I was about to call it a night and head off to bed and wake up early tomorrow morning to resume. That wasn't a good idea, because whatever I think of right before bed works itself into my subconscious during sleep. So I'm giving myself just a little bit more time to write here and share a song before bed.
I've been listening to a lot of music like this, since I'm just amazed at the talent and it makes some song more bearable. Hearing songs redone is like hearing them again for the first time. Since last quarter's final, I've built up a nice up-beat playlist that's so different from all the heartbreak song I listened to in high school. Makes me feel like my emotions are under my control and independent of whichever girl I'm dreaming of. I also found that I really like practicing my drumming skills, and somehow, even though I'm not trying to keep a beat while I drum, it feels musical and creative.
Oh, DH's back! Maybe I can stay up and study a little bit longer.
Lyrics after the cut.
I'm also thinking about HF again, right as I was about to call it a night and head off to bed and wake up early tomorrow morning to resume. That wasn't a good idea, because whatever I think of right before bed works itself into my subconscious during sleep. So I'm giving myself just a little bit more time to write here and share a song before bed.
I've been listening to a lot of music like this, since I'm just amazed at the talent and it makes some song more bearable. Hearing songs redone is like hearing them again for the first time. Since last quarter's final, I've built up a nice up-beat playlist that's so different from all the heartbreak song I listened to in high school. Makes me feel like my emotions are under my control and independent of whichever girl I'm dreaming of. I also found that I really like practicing my drumming skills, and somehow, even though I'm not trying to keep a beat while I drum, it feels musical and creative.
Oh, DH's back! Maybe I can stay up and study a little bit longer.
Lyrics after the cut.
Friday, January 14, 2011
MarcSimonetti
Oh but wait, re-interpretation of Terry Pratchett's books for the French versions? I'm so there!
"Lords and ladies" by *MarcSimonetti on deviantART
"Lords and ladies" by *MarcSimonetti on deviantART
An Amazing Feat
I went to bed at midnight. This morning, I woke up at 9:30, late for my 9am discussion section, and found my phone underneath my bed. I had, in my sleep, climbed over the edge of my bed to the nearby dresser, reached around a lamp and over a tall stacks of textbooks, and deactivated the alarm clock on my phone six times. I found my phone underneath my pillow when I woke up. I think next time, the phone has to be across the room where I have to climb down from my lofted bed to reach it, and hopefully I won't fall out of bed trying to turn it off in my sleep.
So, in celebration of my amazing skills:
Revenge of the prey by *ReevolveR on deviantART
So, in celebration of my amazing skills:
Revenge of the prey by *ReevolveR on deviantART
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Dream of Love
No Vertebrate Biology today - the teacher's sick. I have a little time before my next class, and I'm trying to wait out a cramp.
I had the nicest dream this morning. I woke up at 6 after bed at 1, and was going to go running until I dropped my pants in the bathroom and realized that I would need to clean myself up, and that I might feel too nauseous if I ran. So the exercise regime went out the window and I took a shower, had breakfast, and tried doing a little homework. I finished an article for Vert. Bio. then decided the computer lab was too cold, and went up to my room to read a little Bio42. I decided to nap for 20 minutes, naturally.
There's a new girl I like here, let's call her TM. She's really friendly, but straight, and I'm on almost friendship grounds with her that I like where I am and, burned so badly by LG, don't care to want any more. In my dreams, she some how came into my room to tell me that she liked me, too. Apparently mutual friends had told her I was interested. I smiled. The whole thing was really comfortable, two people with a mutual interest willing to see if we could come to trust each other. I wanted to kiss her, then even subconsciously knew that wasn't a good thing to do then, so we laid in my bed for a little while talking before my 20 minutes was up and I woke up. It took a few seconds to realize that none of that was real, because even though the situation was strange, the surroundings were so detailed (having been in my room when falling asleep). I realized I badly wanted it to be real, and I was willing to give up my plans to study and go back under for more sleep.
I had the nicest dream this morning. I woke up at 6 after bed at 1, and was going to go running until I dropped my pants in the bathroom and realized that I would need to clean myself up, and that I might feel too nauseous if I ran. So the exercise regime went out the window and I took a shower, had breakfast, and tried doing a little homework. I finished an article for Vert. Bio. then decided the computer lab was too cold, and went up to my room to read a little Bio42. I decided to nap for 20 minutes, naturally.
There's a new girl I like here, let's call her TM. She's really friendly, but straight, and I'm on almost friendship grounds with her that I like where I am and, burned so badly by LG, don't care to want any more. In my dreams, she some how came into my room to tell me that she liked me, too. Apparently mutual friends had told her I was interested. I smiled. The whole thing was really comfortable, two people with a mutual interest willing to see if we could come to trust each other. I wanted to kiss her, then even subconsciously knew that wasn't a good thing to do then, so we laid in my bed for a little while talking before my 20 minutes was up and I woke up. It took a few seconds to realize that none of that was real, because even though the situation was strange, the surroundings were so detailed (having been in my room when falling asleep). I realized I badly wanted it to be real, and I was willing to give up my plans to study and go back under for more sleep.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
inma
Commission for SugaryInsanity. by *inma on deviantART
Autumn Memories. by *inma on deviantART
TRC in Hogwarts. by *inma on deviantART
Commission for DumplingzOwO. by *inma on deviantART
Species vs ecosystems: save the tiger or focus on the bigger issues?
Ecologist Article
I say we make the beauty of nature, the breath-taking moments of awe that some of us feel when observing these creatures in their natural habitat, glimpsing into their deadly beauty, and put it into the media to raise generations of children who will have the same respect and awareness of the other creatures that share their world. I got goosebumps when I read the section about people choose which species to save and which to let go extinct, like we really have the power to make that decision. Power-wise, we do. But morally?
I say we make the beauty of nature, the breath-taking moments of awe that some of us feel when observing these creatures in their natural habitat, glimpsing into their deadly beauty, and put it into the media to raise generations of children who will have the same respect and awareness of the other creatures that share their world. I got goosebumps when I read the section about people choose which species to save and which to let go extinct, like we really have the power to make that decision. Power-wise, we do. But morally?
Monday, January 10, 2011
Depression
I'm having a hard time breathing. My chest is constricted, and somehow, suddenly, all inspiration for studying escapes me.
It hadn't been all day. I got up at 6 this morning (bed by 12) and walked briskly to the gym for a mile run. I walked briskly back, and spent a few minutes underneath my orange towel waiting for all the sweat to go away so that I wouldn't catch chill. Somewhere in that time space the child person said, "I love you, you know." And the older person replied, in deeper tones, "I know." Then the sun rose and I got breakfast and did homework before 10am lecture. I nodded off in both morning lecture, and spent my lunch brushing up on that pre-lab. The lab took the entire period. I walked to find my Ph.D. student but couldn't, so I should be emailing him tonight. I went to the bookstore and read two out of the three chapters for this week before returning the textbook to the bookstore, hoping that my copy comes in the mail soon. I had dinner with friends, felt somber, and got to work on a pset due Wednesday. Maybe it was that pset that set things off. I was frustrated at physics.
And sometimes, I don't appreciate all the laughter that goes in this room.
There's an orange pill on the floor, Motrin 1B, for headaches. And then I remember the orange safety of my towel.
No pills. No drugs, no alcohol, no cutting, no suicide. Those are the rules.
And I keep thinking all the time, why not channel all this angst and be an artist? I made great stuff in high school with it.
And then I remember I'm actually trying to be better.
ETA: the night ended with a rowdy sing-along. I felt better, and slept 8 hours.
It hadn't been all day. I got up at 6 this morning (bed by 12) and walked briskly to the gym for a mile run. I walked briskly back, and spent a few minutes underneath my orange towel waiting for all the sweat to go away so that I wouldn't catch chill. Somewhere in that time space the child person said, "I love you, you know." And the older person replied, in deeper tones, "I know." Then the sun rose and I got breakfast and did homework before 10am lecture. I nodded off in both morning lecture, and spent my lunch brushing up on that pre-lab. The lab took the entire period. I walked to find my Ph.D. student but couldn't, so I should be emailing him tonight. I went to the bookstore and read two out of the three chapters for this week before returning the textbook to the bookstore, hoping that my copy comes in the mail soon. I had dinner with friends, felt somber, and got to work on a pset due Wednesday. Maybe it was that pset that set things off. I was frustrated at physics.
And sometimes, I don't appreciate all the laughter that goes in this room.
There's an orange pill on the floor, Motrin 1B, for headaches. And then I remember the orange safety of my towel.
No pills. No drugs, no alcohol, no cutting, no suicide. Those are the rules.
And I keep thinking all the time, why not channel all this angst and be an artist? I made great stuff in high school with it.
And then I remember I'm actually trying to be better.
ETA: the night ended with a rowdy sing-along. I felt better, and slept 8 hours.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Fuck Yeah Dykes
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| submitted by kathleenm |
 | ||
| submitted by poppyseeds-and-bruises |
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| Fuck Yeah Dykes. Way too beautiful. |
Although, the second one is just...ah.
http://www.autostraddle.com/40-lesbians-youll-meet-on-tumblr-69460/
Kit Generator
I really couldn't believe it myself. The carpal tunnel has of course crept back in, the tendons in both my arms (though still dominant in the left) always feel tense now. I even pulled an all-nighter last night just because I was so absolutely interested in coding the kit generator.
Once in a while we hold breeding season on PI for Felishorn owners to breed two Felishorns together and get a kit carrying some resemblance of their parents. There's always the thrill of the unexpected, and an excuse to drool over the cutest pieces of art in the world. It's quite a bit of work for everyone though, especially the colorists, but I wanted to make a generator that could roll through all the probabilities for gender, breed, mutations, etc so that Jean wouldn't have to spend so much time on that logistic, and more on making sure everyone's up to task. In the past, we've pulled out random.org and generated random numbers, but I thought it might be cool to be able to generate information for a breeding immediately, especially when dealing with litters.
The entire project taught me more about PHP codes, but for the most part I wrote a couple hundred if statements. The entire code for the results page isn't that long, but certainly dense with logic statements. Check out some of the coolest parts of the code after the cut.
Once in a while we hold breeding season on PI for Felishorn owners to breed two Felishorns together and get a kit carrying some resemblance of their parents. There's always the thrill of the unexpected, and an excuse to drool over the cutest pieces of art in the world. It's quite a bit of work for everyone though, especially the colorists, but I wanted to make a generator that could roll through all the probabilities for gender, breed, mutations, etc so that Jean wouldn't have to spend so much time on that logistic, and more on making sure everyone's up to task. In the past, we've pulled out random.org and generated random numbers, but I thought it might be cool to be able to generate information for a breeding immediately, especially when dealing with litters.
The entire project taught me more about PHP codes, but for the most part I wrote a couple hundred if statements. The entire code for the results page isn't that long, but certainly dense with logic statements. Check out some of the coolest parts of the code after the cut.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Custom Posed
With the new search engine up, I was taking a break and browsing through some of my custom poses. Wow were my stuff old. But let's pull up some of my favorites, some of my best!
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| He's one of my favorites, and remain my PI avatar today. |
Directory Complete
I did it! Yesterday in-between Bio42 lecture and Physics 23 discussion section I went to the Falconer library and finished that pagination code. Actually, early that morning I had written the majority of it, having thought of the idea just as I was falling asleep.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Early Morning Depression
It's been a while since I woke up and the first thought on my mind is hating something. I think this morning I was hating my alarm clock for existing. Back in high school, waking up in the wee hours, sometimes my first thought was, "I hate life." But as I sat huddled in the hallway with my books and blankets, staring blankly ahead and trying to figure out someway to get myself moving again into the computer lab to work this morning, I remember how bad habits are easier made than broken. The depression has been one of the few strong, lasting things in my life, and maybe I don't want to let it go because everything else is so inconsistent. I need something else to hold on to.
There's no particular reason for why the depression sets in. That's the definition of depression: seemingly irreversible sadness and anger at life without cause. It seems unreasonable to blame my frustration from last night at being unable to understand my textbooks, and I don't want to give reason to the depression because I'm afraid it will condition me to hate reading them. By now, when I'm like this, I know not to leave myself alone. I find company and listen to gossip, trying not to be distinctly aware that I'm not part of it. HF is dating an Asian girl - could that have been me? Of course not. I'm too dark and twisty, scary even for myself. Whatever I felt for her and AO was insane and could have only been gotten out of, not something to build a steady relationship on. Whatever I felt for AC was not enough. So what am I suppose to feel at the start of romance? That was rambling.
I wish my old roommate was here to help. Watching her struggle with her depression and side-effects of her medication last year must have scared me enough into fight through my own. But we never quite got along. We were civil enough with one another, but all I can remember now is our argument wherein I was angry at her for not doing enough to help herself. Now I'm not sure if she could have done anymore. But maybe I still can. It's not something new, something unfair, suddenly thrown into my life by forces I can't control. It's always been in my life, too subtle for me to recognize, aggravated by normal stressors. I remember the early mornings before physics when I sat on the benches, blinding myself with the rising sun. I felt happy then, but now I'm not sure I wasn't fighting off some heavy weight.
So anyway, I'm not happy that my first post of the year addresses the depression again, but if I might say that I am making a damned effort to destroy it, perhaps it will bring me some luck this year. When in dire need, overcome one obstacles at a time, and the obstacle to overcome right now is reading my textbooks.
There's no particular reason for why the depression sets in. That's the definition of depression: seemingly irreversible sadness and anger at life without cause. It seems unreasonable to blame my frustration from last night at being unable to understand my textbooks, and I don't want to give reason to the depression because I'm afraid it will condition me to hate reading them. By now, when I'm like this, I know not to leave myself alone. I find company and listen to gossip, trying not to be distinctly aware that I'm not part of it. HF is dating an Asian girl - could that have been me? Of course not. I'm too dark and twisty, scary even for myself. Whatever I felt for her and AO was insane and could have only been gotten out of, not something to build a steady relationship on. Whatever I felt for AC was not enough. So what am I suppose to feel at the start of romance? That was rambling.
I wish my old roommate was here to help. Watching her struggle with her depression and side-effects of her medication last year must have scared me enough into fight through my own. But we never quite got along. We were civil enough with one another, but all I can remember now is our argument wherein I was angry at her for not doing enough to help herself. Now I'm not sure if she could have done anymore. But maybe I still can. It's not something new, something unfair, suddenly thrown into my life by forces I can't control. It's always been in my life, too subtle for me to recognize, aggravated by normal stressors. I remember the early mornings before physics when I sat on the benches, blinding myself with the rising sun. I felt happy then, but now I'm not sure I wasn't fighting off some heavy weight.
So anyway, I'm not happy that my first post of the year addresses the depression again, but if I might say that I am making a damned effort to destroy it, perhaps it will bring me some luck this year. When in dire need, overcome one obstacles at a time, and the obstacle to overcome right now is reading my textbooks.