Depression

I'm having a hard time breathing.  My chest is constricted, and somehow, suddenly, all inspiration for studying escapes me.

It hadn't been all day.  I got up at 6 this morning (bed by 12) and walked briskly to the gym for a mile run.  I walked briskly back, and spent a few minutes underneath my orange towel waiting for all the sweat to go away so that I wouldn't catch chill.  Somewhere in that time space the child person said, "I love you, you know."  And the older person replied, in deeper tones, "I know."  Then the sun rose and I got breakfast and did homework before 10am lecture.  I nodded off in both morning lecture, and spent my lunch brushing up on that pre-lab.  The lab took the entire period.  I walked to find my Ph.D. student but couldn't, so I should be emailing him tonight.  I went to the bookstore and read two out of the three chapters for this week before returning the textbook to the bookstore, hoping that my copy comes in the mail soon.  I had dinner with friends, felt somber, and got to work on a pset due Wednesday.  Maybe it was that pset that set things off.  I was frustrated at physics.

And sometimes, I don't appreciate all the laughter that goes in this room.

There's an orange pill on the floor, Motrin 1B, for headaches.  And then I remember the orange safety of my towel.

No pills.  No drugs, no alcohol, no cutting, no suicide.  Those are the rules.

And I keep thinking all the time, why not channel all this angst and be an artist?  I made great stuff in high school with it.

And then I remember I'm actually trying to be better.

ETA: the night ended with a rowdy sing-along.  I felt better, and slept 8 hours.