Early Morning Depression

It's been a while since I woke up and the first thought on my mind is hating something.  I think this morning I was hating my alarm clock for existing.  Back in high school, waking up in the wee hours, sometimes my first thought was, "I hate life."  But as I sat huddled in the hallway with my books and blankets, staring blankly ahead and trying to figure out someway to get myself moving again into the computer lab to work this morning, I remember how bad habits are easier made than broken.  The depression has been one of the few strong, lasting things in my life, and maybe I don't want to let it go because everything else is so inconsistent.  I need something else to hold on to.

There's no particular reason for why the depression sets in.  That's the definition of depression: seemingly irreversible sadness and anger at life without cause.  It seems unreasonable to blame my frustration from last night at being unable to understand my textbooks, and I don't want to give reason to the depression because I'm afraid it will condition me to hate reading them.  By now, when I'm like this, I know not to leave myself alone.  I find company and listen to gossip, trying not to be distinctly aware that I'm not part of it.  HF is dating an Asian girl - could that have been me?  Of course not.  I'm too dark and twisty, scary even for myself.  Whatever I felt for her and AO was insane and could have only been gotten out of, not something to build a steady relationship on.  Whatever I felt for AC was not enough.  So what am I suppose to feel at the start of romance?  That was rambling.

I wish my old roommate was here to help.  Watching her struggle with her depression and side-effects of her medication last year must have scared me enough into fight through my own.  But we never quite got along.  We were civil enough with one another, but all I can remember now is our argument wherein I was angry at her for not doing enough to help herself.  Now I'm not sure if she could have done anymore.  But maybe I still can.  It's not something new, something unfair, suddenly thrown into my life by forces I can't control.  It's always been in my life, too subtle for me to recognize, aggravated by normal stressors.  I remember the early mornings before physics when I sat on the benches, blinding myself with the rising sun.  I felt happy then, but now I'm not sure I wasn't fighting off some heavy weight.

So anyway, I'm not happy that my first post of the year addresses the depression again, but if I might say that I am making a damned effort to destroy it, perhaps it will bring me some luck this year.  When in dire need, overcome one obstacles at a time, and the obstacle to overcome right now is reading my textbooks.