No Vertebrate Biology today - the teacher's sick. I have a little time before my next class, and I'm trying to wait out a cramp.
I had the nicest dream this morning. I woke up at 6 after bed at 1, and was going to go running until I dropped my pants in the bathroom and realized that I would need to clean myself up, and that I might feel too nauseous if I ran. So the exercise regime went out the window and I took a shower, had breakfast, and tried doing a little homework. I finished an article for Vert. Bio. then decided the computer lab was too cold, and went up to my room to read a little Bio42. I decided to nap for 20 minutes, naturally.
There's a new girl I like here, let's call her TM. She's really friendly, but straight, and I'm on almost friendship grounds with her that I like where I am and, burned so badly by LG, don't care to want any more. In my dreams, she some how came into my room to tell me that she liked me, too. Apparently mutual friends had told her I was interested. I smiled. The whole thing was really comfortable, two people with a mutual interest willing to see if we could come to trust each other. I wanted to kiss her, then even subconsciously knew that wasn't a good thing to do then, so we laid in my bed for a little while talking before my 20 minutes was up and I woke up. It took a few seconds to realize that none of that was real, because even though the situation was strange, the surroundings were so detailed (having been in my room when falling asleep). I realized I badly wanted it to be real, and I was willing to give up my plans to study and go back under for more sleep.
Things resumed where I left off, and because I knew none of it was real, I let myself enjoy it. We held each other and talked, and naturally I don't remember what, but the conversation flowed easily. There was general fondness and interest in the other, and since I knew none of it was real, I forgo all the detailed thinking I put into analyzing a person of interest (which usually leads to my rejection that I could ever deserve them) and just enjoyed it, and for a moment I allowed myself to deserve this person. I had to leave for class, and left her in my room, but somehow I ended up going to the house (in LA) where my family went to a cousin's wedding. I guess by now, I knew that it was unreal so my mind started making up the impossible. I remember meeting my sister and her husband there, and taking care of Buck, and wanted to head back to my dorm room as soon as I can (inspired by true events).
When I got back, she was gone, but my room was decorated with all these pictures of a lover wanting someone. It wasn't about us, I don't think, but it certainly hinted at it. She even took down some of my decorations and de-lofted by bed. And there were people in my room. It looked more like a room at the wedding house (in LA) than my dorm room. I raised an eyebrow and as soon as I could do so politely, shooed people out. After a little time I found her outside and went out to see her, but she walked away from me and I followed. We made circle around the building and went back in through another entrance, and got back up to my room. I saw the decorations and raised a brow at me. "Maybe I was to rash to tell you that I liked you, but you didn't have to do this, you know." She indicated the decorations. I stared. She thought I had done it, when I had thought it was her's, and I wasn't sure how to answer the accusation.
Maybe there was a little bit more after that, but I woke up and it was close enough to class time that I needed to go. In any case, it brings up a really interesting realization: that I don't allow myself to deserve anyone, and what desires I have, what loneliness I endure, expresses itself through internalized self-expression, which I keep secret from the world and all that ladies I like. It's freakish, but to me understandable and logical. Her accusation was my subconscious jabbing at me about what I usually do with girls I like: idolize them in my mind, which usually makes them think me strange and avoidable. But what about before that? It's true that I reason myself out of every possible relationship, but why? Why do I think myself so undeserving of someone to love?
Part of me says I'm too scared to be tied down to one person, that in loving someone I deny myself of many opportunities (traveling the world to research ecosystems). Maybe I'm scared of having someone know me and making me dependent on their love when I'm working so hard to be emotionally, financially, and mentally independent from the world. It's a vice that I don't want to take, like the alcohol and drugs I refuse. The more I listen to people talking about their personal experiences with love, the more I think that there's a terrible pain that comes with the ecstasy. Even friends will rush to console me that Love is absolutely worth it, and that I should end up with someone, because they see my loneliness and dismiss my fears. The entire world think Love is amazing and, despite all its tribulations, everyone should have it. I'm doubtful of it.
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