Sigh. My brain refuses to read. It's awake, I slept, but work is just a no-go right now. Instead, my mind is fill with awe in light of recent human connections and experiences, feelings that make my close my eyes, turn my face into the fresh sea air and breathe in deeply.
Sunday night I loved a girl's heart when we stayed up all night sharing our childhood stories, connecting over our pains and insecurities, our tears and heartbreaks. She doesn't love women, but the flavor of female attraction has always differed from male, and I know this attraction is female but without the desire for possession or unrequited love. Let's dare to push the boundaries of friendship beyond friendliness to loveship. I think she has been hurt too much, yet still she cares so deeply, that I want to be an unwavering source of love in her life. I want to make her laugh, and listen close when she hurts. Isn't it terrible when the world creates an individual so filled with love and excitement that every man who comes across her believes she loves him and demands more? There is still a person out there who will love me unconditionally as I will love her, but I want to hold this girl close to my heart and never let her go as we both navigate the paths of our lives. But I have to be careful. I have to make sure she doesn't misunderstand and think that I am chasing her, too.
Somewhere during the end of Winter quarter the lock on my heart started to unlock. It seems to be a collective effort of the community around me, because suddenly I am yearning for more people than I can count on my fingers. I've become accustomed to the ache for high school and middle school friends, but missing college friends is new. So I'm filled with all this strange emotions that are all good, but yearning good, bittersweet and nostalgic. It's slightly uncomfortable in the good way, like reaching an orgasm, all the squirming and lack of breath you go through before reaching the explosion that makes you feel good. But the orgasm has to be delayed for another time. Is this how people become tied down to one place? These bonds of love and friendship feels strong, and it hurts when I'm far away from those I care about that it becomes difficult to focus on the place I am now, difficult to focus on the classes that I need to pass. How do I take all these people with me when I'm not done exploring their hearts?
Right now I tell myself that my brain is rebelling from not having an actual spring break, so it's taking a few days off to dream and feel and love the world before we go underground again to the world of little sleep, tons of work and struggle for validity. All these sensitive emotions will go away and my brain will harden itself for the grind again soon. But...I've felt the embrace of love within my community, and I want to keep it here always. Currently it's difficult to feel the same love from my housemates, since we all seem to be very reserved and independent. It's hard to repress my neediness.
Ahhhh. The only thing I can think of to quell this loneliness is the soulful music of Katie Melua, chocolate, and a birthday dinner with my new house mates. So much for productivity. Now I'm just moping and feeling homesick.
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