Secrets

Sometimes, the most disturbing thoughts creep into my mind.

On some days, I reflect on how I would feel if both of my parents died in a car accident and my sister and I were still alive.

Today, I was thinking about how I'd feel if something happened to put me in a wheelchair for the rest of my life. My initial reaction was the thought that I would sleep for a week, spending very few hours awake and seemingly giving my body all the rest that it needs. This may or may not reflect my current sleep debt in college. Then, I imagined myself being very solemn and quiet, reflecting upon what my life has been up to then and what I would be doing from here on out. There's a certain amount of regret and unhappiness at the missed opportunities of things I've always wanted to do, never did, and now never will. But more importantly, there's a not-too-insignificant sense of relief.

Not too briefly the thought flashed through my mind that with this decapitation, I'd no longer have to study science and become a scientist. The burdens of having to conduct research and make meaningful discoveries in the sciences is lifted from my shoulder, a burden that I never knew was there because it's been with me for as long as I can remember. Stuck in a wheelchair, it's not very logical that I would be working in a laboratory. What, then, would I do? I'd make art, read all the books I've ever wanted to read, watch movies, and learn how to play the guitar. I'm at one of the most beautiful college in the country, and one who caters very well to disabilities. Life would still be beautiful.