Rejuvenated

Or at least, I hope so.

My spirits have been flagging so much lately that Friday night I had another one of my mental breakdowns, except it was one of those where rather than feeling violent and wanting to lash out against the world, I felt as though I was drowning in all the confusion and intricacies of the world. Life felt very wrong, very confusing, very frustrating and depressing. I think it had to do with a combination of Primo Levi, Freud, Karl Marx, A Clockwork Orange, and "The Waste Land". Major depression going on in SLE-world. I took myself outside under the stars and talked at myself, and still things weren't better.

Joan and I negotiated a sleepover for Saturday night to help me cope. It was my rejuvenation trip. I was to help her throw a party on Saturday, then keep to myself for the rest of the night. Life was good, for 24 hours. We started setting up the tables, drinks and preparing the food at ten, then enjoyed good food and company until six. There were old teachers, new friends, and little children underfoot. Rustle clambered under a bed and for a few hours I did, too. Delicious food mixed in with daily conversations, nothing too extraordinary, nothing too taxing if I didn't want it to. And I ate so much.

Saturday night was a bit more productive. Joan and I talked about the various things in my life that's bothering, and while we did not reach any helpful conclusions, she was there to listen and I voiced my thoughts. The beauty of friends is that they're just always ready to listen with their hearts, not their ears. You don't need a problem solver, just a willing heart. It's like saying I Love You, which should be done more often and without fear of engagement. I finished Levi and went to bed at 1am.

Sunday morning Larry, Joan and I took a long walk on the trails. I was exhausted and ready to rest for the rest of the day. Listen to myself: ready to take a rest because I needed a rest, without care about the workload. Can I be a rebel and not do anything? And not feel guilty? Guilt has been my shadow for as long as I can remember. Can I rest myself and love myself without consequences?

I miss the feeling of rewarding, productive work. It's been a while since I've applied myself to something with all my heart because it was something I believed in, because it was something I wanted to follow through, something I felt would change the world for good. Life is just filled with people who shout and scream nonsense, and it fills my life with nonsense, when really I want my life to be filled with meaning. I want to feel God in my words and inspiration in my fingers. I want the life in my heart to flow out my mouth and fingers and be expressed in everything I do. Right now, there's an ivy wall between my heart-soul life-force and my exterior expression. My inbox builds up as I lack the energy to chase down problems in my life, so instead the problems persist. I lock myself in my room and wait for release, when really I should be out in the world looking for happiness.

It comes like a cat, softly and warily, but it wants to build a bridge of trust. It won't come if there's too much noise or sudden movements, or if life's too busy. It needs an open heart, mind, soul, and eyes. It comes when you build glass walls around yourself and mute society. Sometimes, I think it's better to lock yourself in your own world and find that happiness within. Don't lose yourself too deeply in the currents of life and submit yourself to unhappiness. Don't be afraid to take the time to wipe the fake smile from your face, ignore people, and gaze out the window, lost in yourself and apparent depression, if that's what it takes to recognize the happiness shining from your heart.

I have so much junk food to share with the dorm.

I'm not here to cater to your programs and your projects. I'm not obligated to reply to your emails in a timely manner because I don't work for you, and I don't necessarily care about the projects that you care about. Rather than spreading myself thin on things I don't care about, I want to focus my energy on identifying what does mean to me, and put all my heart, soul and energy into that. I want the freedom to say: I don't care, because I am so tired of trying to care about everything, trying to do everything and get everything under my belt, because that's what the ideal college student should do. Let me figure out what I want to do, and then I promise you I will put my heart and all into it.