Breakup

Oh good, much more awake now. Although more sleep is probably wise, it won't be happening.

I wanted to give an update on how things were going with my girlfriend and I. Alyssa and I broke up this past Thursday because it was too stressful, too strained, to have a long-distance relationship between two people who have never had a steady close-distance relationship with each other, or with anyone else. We are still friends who call once in a while, and the prospects of us getting back together again is still feasible, in the distant future.

It started about three weeks ago, when I proposed this question: would she stop clinging onto me so tightly, when we're miles and miles apart? She lives about an hour and a half driving time from me, and while I'm at school our relationship was maintained only through the phone. I felt that she was hurting too much over me. She was missing us so much, wanting me there, jealously clinging, when it was neither feasible nor possible. And I was aware of this, as much as I was aware of the fact that days went by when I gave her no thought. It wasn't equal or fair, and suddenly I felt bound to something that was never really established. Our friends and her family, in the desire to see us happy, deemed us girlfriends before we announced it ourselves, deemed us girlfriends by the time we've seen each other's face twice, an event that happens about once every two months. Even we forgot the fact that we never established the relationship officially between us.

So I asked us to take a step back, to let go of each other, and the response was tears and agony. Not at all what I was expecting. She wanted to break up right then and there, in tears and sobs, and I refused. It would have done neither of us any good to separate when I knew judgement was clouded on her part, clouded by a sudden burst of emotions. So I proposed a two-week's silence, during which I urged myself to consider the idea that the middle path might be too difficult to walk. See, I did not intend to break up with her, nor did I intend to move forward in our relationship. I wanted both of us to take a step back, hold each other only at arm's length, and focus more on our lives and the people around us. There was some nuance to this idea that was difficult to grasp, and more difficult to accomplish. And when I called her again after our two week's silence, she again proposed a break-up, but in a much more reasonable state of mind. So I agreed. The logical reason was there, as well as the logistics that proved we could not move forward at the moment. Better yet, we seemed to have reached a sort of amnesty, for I was able to go right back to telling her about all the things that's been happening in my life, and she in her's.

There are some liberties I'm allowed to take now that I am no longer bound, and whether or not I take them only time will tell. But for now, I stand alone.

And I'm really hungry.