Maybe she's not the right person for me, after all. Maybe there's something in the way she brusquely treats me, someone she doesn't yet know, the way she hastily collaborates on even meaningful projects like making videos for National Coming Out Day, and the way she doesn't show up to important events like Take Back The Night that clashes too much with my values. And maybe I can make the conscious decision to move on from her and accomplish the deed, while still think of her as a good person.
A few years ago I fell in love with this movie, and lately its symbols and meanings have been coming back to me. It's a story whose characters and images explore the human spirit, embodied in the mustang and a young girl. It's a reminder that the soul can only be reined by love, and that only for love will it be tamed. Otherwise, the soul has to be free to express itself, to run without ever needing to look back. Some souls leap fences, refusing to let the barriers of the world contain them, but every day civility builds more obstacles, and every day it becomes harder and harder to run for as long as you want, and as hard as you want. Freedom is lost through the development of society.
Or at least, it's lost for some. For many, the barriers of society becomes a comfort. I won't willingly give up four walls, a roof and a constant food supply, yet at the same time I must trade in the freedom of self-expression in return for these comforts. Civility disapproves of wild acts of passion, and sees wildness as danger. But I say the need for wild self-expression doesn't intend to destroy. People are afraid of the wild tiger, but you wouldn't be afraid of a mustang, but what is not understood is that neither will kill without just cause. The tiger kills only what it needs to survive.
Philosophical crap aside, I'm not quite sure even the wealthiest of us ever escape the fences the world has built around us. The only time when we can ever run free is in our imagination, and as I grow I feel walls growing tighter around me. It's not a good feeling, but it's not a feeling I know how to escape. My voice is silenced because the things I really want to shout about are considered simplistic and insignificant, unworthy of the educated, sophisticated brain. Everything that comes out of my mouth now must be well-reasoned, toned and adjusted to the season of the intelligent. And as everyone around me becomes more educated, they start to see more uniformly, start to agree on the type of fences we should build and where. I feel the first signs of tightness and sometimes I want to panic.
You must learn their language in order to speak up, and to learn their language you learn their ideas. My language is fading, and I'm not quite sure where the me is, or how she's changed, and whether or not I approve.
I...really want to do a Stanford version of this for National Coming Out Day on October 11th this year. Rather than 8 person per video, it should be about 5, so that it runs for about the length of a song (3.5 minutes). There would be one for lesbian, gays, transgender, and bisexual. To tie things up, we could even do an Ally video, in commemoration of what the day really means.
NCOD is geared towards promoting understanding and acceptance of the queer community, and traditionally it encourages closeted queers to speak out, and encourages the straight community to listen with open ears and hearts. "Yes, we're gay but..." videos would encourage people to see that being queer isn't the only thing that identifies us. Queer people lead normal lives, too, as part of the our community. They're fathers, mothers, children, co-workers, teachers, club presidents, RAs, artists, you name it. Being gay doesn't mean you belong to some exclusive club and that everyone should accept you, it's just one more part of what makes you a wonderful human being.
I need to ask Cory about this, and see what we could actually do with the videos after we made them. And I'm hoping H would be willing to help me with this. I think she knows a lot about making short videos, and since I'm planning to work on this during the summer, we both might be free enough to get it done.
Here's my list, for example:
- I don't like San Francisco, and I've never been able to find the Castro district
- I don't like to dance, or party, and big groups of people make me nervous
- I love to draw, and paint, and read, and I love dogs, especially my dog
- I don't wear make-up. I don't even have chap-stick
- I like climbing trees, and walking barefoot, and I really don't mind getting dirty
- I want to major in biology, and after my Ph.D. I'd like to work with the environment, and travel.
- I like country, and instrumental music, and a little bit of pop. Oh, and lots of Disney.
And maybe work on this some more when it's not 4:15 am.
I am a self-proclaimed emo-child from the 21st century, and while the moodiness have disparate for the most part as I grow, there are times when I'm still pulled back into the dark corners of raw emotions. Strangely enough, it's a warm and comforting feeling. The place where I'm at right now is a very dark, sticky hot environment where I lie motionless, for the most part, and where no part of me has any initiative to do anything. The breath comes in and out very softly through the mouth, shallow and filled with the baterium of the sickness that runs hot through my body. I was feverish for most of last weekend, and have spent most of this weekend in my bed asleep.
I push back the immediate symptoms with medication, so the sniffling, sore throats, mucus and fevers are kept at bay, but my entire system is lethargic. Lifting a finger becomes such a strenuous movement that I'm forced to marvel at the beauty of the movement, and the beauty of my flesh, skin and bones. Somewhere in this half-minded self-examination my thoughts inevitably wander over to a girl.
It's a bad sign when I start writing journal entries about the girls I like. But I'm too tired to fight it, too tired to suppress the mental illness and disconnect with other hearts.
ETA: Just start talking to her, they all say. I wish it was that easy :(
